This Mask I Wear
Chapter 1 - Slamming My Heart
By Kursed SeeD
"You only saw,
what you wanted to see.
Just a simple smile,
but not me."
All right, I have a confession to make.
I am not a happy person.
That's right. You heard me.
Selphie Tilmitt is not a happy person.
I haven't been for a while.
I know, I know. What's up with that? I'm always smiling, bouncing. Ever the optimist.
Yeah, well, Seifer also acts like an asshole, but we all saw him crying during that one dumb movie.
I guess it's the role I've had ever since I was a child, back at the orphanage. Squall was the quiet one. Seifer was the mean one. Zell was the obnoxious one. Quistis was the bossy one. Irvine was the flirty one. That left me to be the happy, friendly one.
I've spent my whole life trying to make other people happy. Maybe I thought that, in seeing their smiles, my own unhappiness would just vanish.
It's been over 18 years now, and that theory still hasn't proved true.
Maybe I should give up the act. Show everyone who I really am, how I truly feel. But then again, what good would that do? Everyone has their own problems. Even my friends are too busy to notice.
Squall is too busy worrying about losing Seifer again. Seifer is too busy worrying about not getting himself killed by those anti-knight people. Zell is too busy trying to tell a girl he likes her. (Most likely that silly girl in the library.) Irvine is just.. well, too busy with all the girls. And Quistis... Quistis is still hung up on Squall. I can see it in her eyes. It rips me in two.
Yup, that's another secret about yours truly.
I'm a lesbian.
No one knows that, though. If I wasn't, do you really think I would put up with all of Irvine's little games? I see how he looks at those girls, flirts with them, comes on to them. But it doesn't really matter. We're both just using each other for a cover.
Irvine's gay too.
Oh come on, don't pretend like you didn't know that! Irvine just shouts "I'm gay!" I mean, who else would be insecure enough to have to surround themselves with girls at all times?
I don't question Irvine about it, though. Just like he doesn't question me as to why I do not want to kiss him or touch him.
It's a good thing, what him and I have. We don't demand anything of each other, nor do we ask stupid questions. Okay, we don't ask any questions. But I'd rather have no questions than stupid questions.
But, anyways... I think I was talking about Quistis, wasn't I?
Her mere name makes me want to cry and smile, all at once.
It hurts that Quistis could never think of me the way I think of her.
She'd probably think we're too different to work, that's in the waaay off field that she even swings that way.
But, I don't see our differences. I just see us.
Think about it.
Okay, I'm bouncy, she's bossy. But, let's go deeper than that, shall we?
When it comes down to it, we're both alone. We don't have that special someone to brighten our lives. We both strive extra hard to please other people, to make everyone else happy. We both neglect ourselves in that process.
When you look at it in that sense, we're more alike than anyone else.
We both cover up our lonliness in different ways. I cover it with smiles and giggles. Quistis covers it up with a firm voice and a distant "I'm-too-cool-for-you" attitude.
Quistis acts older than she is because she feels it's the only way she can make a difference, can help people. I act younger than I am because it's the only way I know how to make a difference, to help people.
But, I guess, when it all comes down to it, it doesn't matter.
Quistis loves Squall.
It doesn't matter that Squall is one hundred percent gay, Quistis loves him anyway. Even after Squall was willing to be with Rinoa after he had known her for such a short time, but wouldn't even look twice at Quistis, whom he had known his entire life.
Then again, Squall could probably chop off her arms and she'd still love him.
That makes me all sick and twisted inside. Makes me want to cry and scream. To hurt someone. Hurt him. For stealing her heart. The heart that should be mine...
But, I won't do anything about it. Won't say anything to anyone about it. My hurt is mine. I don't need to burden other people with my problems.
Tomorrow, I'll get up, smiling and laughing. I will cheer and I will dance. I will not let anyone see my pain, my unhappiness.
I will continue to wear this mask.
It cannot... it will not... be broken.
For that is who they think I am.
And I've never wanted to disappoint anyone, so why start now?
But, for tonight.. tonight I will be myself. Lost in this crow, where no one knows me. At this tiny club located on the far west coast of Galbadia. No one I know will be here.
So tonight, I can be myself. I can cry when I want to, I can scream when I want to.
I can let the anger, hurt and pain take me away.
Tonight, I am just another face in a sea of people.
And so it was.
I screamed, I vented. I read my poetry with a vengeance, the words pouring out my mouth, dancing in my head.
I was not Selphie Tilmitt then, simply a person with no name, but plenty of words.
My hair was hidden beneath a hat, my clothes not sun-coloured.
None of them knew me.
And then, when my time was up, I reverted to a whisper, giving the crowd the one last poem I had.
This empty cavern
is mine and mine alone.
I wish that I could share it with you,
But you'd rather have him.
So this is my cavern,
and mine alone.
Through all the times that I've wiped your tears,
helped you through your darkest nightmares,
only saw him.
You never noticed me.
So this is my cavern,
and mine alone.
I'll never tell you
exactly how I feel,
I've bared my soul as much as I could,
you only saw him.
So this is my cavern,
and mine alone."
And it was only then, that I opened my eyes, absorbing in the faces in the crowd.
She was there.
For myself, or for her?
Did she know that my words were for her?
I still won't say anything, maybe she won't either.
I'll just take my leave now.
Seep into the night.
I'll still rise
as if tonight never happened.
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