Don't Try to Save Me
I wake up in a cold sweat.
The nightmares again. Gawd... when will they stop? Sitting up, I run my hands through my hair. I grab a handful of air near the base of my neck and pull lightly. The uncomfortable sensation is welcome. It helps me to focus on the here and now, not the dream.
I wonder sometimes if I'm going crazy.
The same dream, every night. I've tried everything I know to stop it. I've tried reading books before bed, because Selphie once mentioned that she dreams about whatever book she's reading before she goes to bed. I've tried working out because Zell mentioned that when he works out he sleeps like a log and doesn't dream. I've tried drinks, medicines, everything. You name it, I've tried it.
Nothing save staying awake all night and that is looking better and better every day.
I lay back in the bed and place my hands behind my head. The roof hasn't changed much. I wish it would. Every night I find myself staring at it at some point. It's getting a little old. I've never been a patient person, or a person with a terribly high patience level. I get that from my father, I'm sure. He doesn't seem like a patient person either. Or a person who can just sit still for more than two minutes.
In that way he and Zell are alike...
It's really.. cute, the way they try to hide their relationship. Anyone with eyes in their head can see the way those two feel about each other. Hell, Zell has goosed Laguna so many times when I'm around that I'd have to be blind and deaf not to notice. I suppose they're sleeping together, and as odd as that thought is... it doesn't bother me.
As long as they're happy, it doesn't matter.
It's funny. Even in today's day and age, people still have a problem with homosexual relationships. You'd think by now society would have seperated itself from archaic rituals and beliefs, but no. We're stuck right where we were a thousand years ago.
I don't have a problem with Zell and Laguna, but if the people of Esthar ever knew... they'd probably be stoned.
I glance at the clock beside my bed. One-thirty. Three and a half hours before I see Seifer again. I wish I could see him more during the day.. but we've both got our duties... and besides, I don't know how to ask him. I had enough trouble asking him to join me for coffee in the morning, then telling him I wouldn't mind if he sat with me every morning. I feel foolish doing that.
Do friends meet for coffee every morning?
Will people assume the worst if they see us together?
I don't know why I'm so worried about people all of a sudden. I've lived my whole life without caring about what people thought... but ... when it comes to Seifer and what people think of me and him... I worry. I worry a lot.
I've never thought of a man as beautiful before. I've never felt the need to protect a man before, but with Seifer... I want to coddle him. I want to protect him from the world... and I.. don't know why.
and I want to explore these feelings more. But how can I?
We never speak to each other. Sometimes I wonder why he comes at all. He doesn't look at me. He doesn't speak to me. He just stares into his cup of tea, and then when I finish my coffee we both leave.
No how ya' doin' fred.
Just sit. Stare. Drink. Leave.
I'm getting tired of it. Much as the feeling confuses me... I want more. I want to learn about him. I want to know what's going on in his head. I want to....
Why I dream about him every night.
Why in my dreams he's being... tortured...
Why it hurts so much to think of him being in pain?
I do... I really do wonder if I'm going insane. I don't think I would mind insane that much. Asylum's aren't so bad... and maybe... drugged up so bad I can't think, I'll get some sleep.
I close my eyes.
Sleep is a good thing. Sleep without nightmares is even better. Chances are I won't have the nightmare again if I sleep now... but I'll only get a few hours of rest.
Something is better than nothing....
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