Author's Notes: um, lots of angst... yeah, I cried when I was writing it... sorta
unbetaed... but not really
Seifer disregarded the look on the Commander's face, and ripped open the letter. "So, where did you come from right now?"
As Seifer began to read the letter, his trademark sneer quickly left his face.
I don't know how to say this exactly. But, by the time you read this, I should be gone anyways. So it won't matter. And if for some reason, you have time to find me before I die, and if you find me to mock me, just kill me then.
First off, I want to tell you about all the pain you cause me. You pick on me every spare moment it seems, and I don't know why. I tried to be your friend, but instead you call me chicken-wuss, and it hurts. It does, of course, I'd never tell you that. I don't know why you started calling me that. But it hurts. I'm not a chicken. I'd die for my friends, and I'd be the first to charge into a battle. Some would call that stupidity, I'd say bravery.
But I tried to be your friend. I waved, sometimes I smiled. And I always get the same response. A sneer.
I don't think I'll ever tell you how I feel. I fear your rejection. I
wanted so badly for you to like me.
I care for you so much. You have been my secret crush, my secret love.
Maybe you didn't see the love in my eyes whenever I looked at you. Others did. Ask Raijin. Ask Fujin. They saw it.
But yes, I love you Seifer Almasy. I love you more than anything. But, I know you might be thinking, if he loves me so much, why is he throwing his life away? Its because I can't take the pain anymore.
I try and I try and I try. But you only react with disgust. Like I'm
something unfavorable that you stepped in. Like I'm shit. I'm tired of trying to get you to notice me in another way besides someone to bully.
I don't know if you ever thought of me in the same way, but I guess its too late now.
I'm sorry that we will never have had that chance. I wished for a moment, that you would call me Zell, not Chicken-Wuss. I wished for a moment, that you would see me... someone who loves you. Not the next person in line to pick on.
I wish that you could have held me on a dark stormy night. I wish that just once, I could wake up from a night of hot monkey sex with you, and see you sleeping beside me.
I wish that just once, you looked at me with kindness.
But, my wishes are nothing now.
If you ever felt anything for me, I'm sorry.
With all the love that I ever held.
Seifer sniffled a bit, and wiped a tear. He cast his aqua green eyes at
Squall, who stood there, like a statue. "You knew didn't you?"
Squall frowned at the tall blond. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Did you know he loved me?"
"No! Why would I?"
"Do you know where he is right now?"
Squall shook his head, the shaggy locks falling into his eyes. "No. And even if I did, why should I tell you? I don't know why you got a separate letter. Like you're anything special."
"Fuck you Leonhart. Just fuck you!" Seifer shoved past Squall and ran into the hallway.
Squall turned and shoved Seifer back. "Fuck you!!"
Seifer shoved the shorter man against the wall. "Fuck off. I don't have time for this. I need to find Zell."
Squall glared at the stately blond. "He's dead."
Seifer's face crumbled. "No. The letter. It said that if I find him before he dies... "
"What? That your magical kiss can wake him up? Restore his life? Right! Fat chance."
Again, Seifer slammed the auburn haired man against the wall. "Shut up. Do you even think for a minute, that he might still be alive? That instead of fighting with me here, that he could be saved? Did you ever think of that? Get your fuckin' head outta yer ass! Fuck! Squall... fuck... when did you put yerself on a high horse?"
Seifer turned and began to run out of the dorm area, but before out of
hearing range he called to Squall. "I hope you fuckin' break your neck when you fall offa your high horse!"
Squall sneered at the retreating man's back. He looked back into Seifer's room. The letter lay on the floor. He walked over to it, picked it up and read it. There were new tear marks as well as old. Zell was crying when he wrote the letter to Seifer. Seifer cried when he read it, and now Squall unleashed tears that he was holding back.
He didn't understand why Zell decided to kill himself. Squall knew that he could have fell in love with the small blond. The hyper martial artist was always a constant in his life. And now, that spot would be forever empty.
Squall felt the cold of the floor seep into his bones, and the hot tears roll down his cheeks. He wished that he didn't try to fight with Seifer, that he let him go to find his best friend. Maybe, if he wished hard enough, maybe Hyne would hear, and grant this wish. That Seifer found Zell okay, that he got there before Zell died.
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