By J. Marie
Warning!! This a lemon yaoi fanfiction starring Seifer Almasy and Squall Leonhart from Final Fantasy VIII. It is rated NC-17. I'm sorry this is taking so long.... I just have so many stories I'm writing, all at the same time!! O_o This is the next to last part... Hope everyone likes it.
A couple hours had passed since our confrontation with Selphie.
I had spent two hours just soaking in the tub. I just needed to think.
Think about Seifer.
Think about me.
Think about me and Seifer.
What exactly was I feeling? After all this introspection, I still couldn't pinpoint it. I had misconstrued it a dozen times. Now I was just confounded by my own emotions. I wanted Seifer, but I didn't. I wanted to be hurt by him, but I wanted him to be gentle with me. I wanted to be near him, but he terrified me. I wanted to be rescued by him, but I wanted to take care of myself. Why couldn't I just pick one emotion and stick to it? I became angry and frustrated with myself.
It occurred to me sometime near the end of my bath about how selfish I was acting.
During all of this, never once had I taken into account what Seifer felt. What Seifer wanted. It was all about me. I was doing to Seifer what Rinoa had done to me, and it was no less fair. I might have been acting this way out of confusion and depression, but it didn't change the fact that I was being a real bitch.
So instead of talking to myself in my head, I decided I needed to talk to Seifer.
I wore leather pants that clung to my body and a tight black muscle shirt with a wide black belt with a big silver buckle. I don't know why I really cared what I looked like, but I did. I brushed my hair forward, and left off most of my make-up, except for the black lipstick. I just kinda liked my face with black lipstick.
I found Seifer by the beach, sitting on a rock. He had a bottle of vodka in his hand, half-drunk. I had waited until 10 pm to venture from my room, so I still didn't know what had been done with Selphie. I wondered if Seifer was drunk, and I wondered if I still wanted to talk to him if he was. I decided I just needed to talk anyways, and Seifer could hold his liquor if anyone could.
"Hey," I said softly, staring at the sand beneath my feet. I wondered how wise wearing my black platform boots had been on the beach.
Seifer turned slowly towards me. He wasn't drunk, but he wasn't sober either. His jaw worked for a moment, and his green eyes looked blue in the dark. "Hey," he said after a couple minutes.
I looked up at him from beneath my lashes, and licked my lips nervously. "I... think we need to talk," I said, trying to sound firm.
Seifer was staring at me helplessly. I wondered what he was thinking. He turned away abruptly. "Maybe we do. But if you want me to talk, and not rip your clothes off and fuck you, then stop looking at me like that," he sighed.
I was startled by his comment. And confused. A little scared, and more than a little excited. I decided to ignore my feelings at the moment and focus on his. "Stop looking at you like what?" I asked.
He turned to look back at me, his expression half-annoyed, half-relieved that I didn't run away. "Like that. With your eyes looking at me from beneath your lashes. With your lips pouting. You look at me like you want me to fuck you or something sometimes. Do you even realize how sexy you are?" he said, his tone hard to pinpoint.
I blinked. I wasn't used to this kind of conversation, and I know I was blushing. "I... guess not...." I said uncomfortably. Seifer turned away from me again and took a swig of his vodka.
I realized that Seifer was drunk enough to tell me the truth, and sober enough to mean it. I had a great sense of timing sometimes. "Do you really want to fuck me?" I asked after a few minutes of me staring at him. He was wearing a half-buttoned white shirt that was fluttering against his body in the breeze, accenting his beautiful chest.
"No," he said. I swallowed and looked down. Was I mistaken? It seemed he was attracted to me, but maybe I had misread things.
"I want to make love to you."
I blinked and stared up at him. I couldn't tell you what I felt at that moment, because all my emotions seemed to explode across my senses. I was suffering from emotional sensory overload.
He was staring back at me, his green eyes steady, clear, and vulnerable. So vulnerable. I had never seen Seifer vulnerable before. I searched for guilt, and I found it, but there was something else.
"Did I scare you? Are you going to run away again?" he asked me bitterly. Suddenly there was frustration and resentment in his eyes.
I was scared, but I forced myself to stay. I had to settle this, or I was going to die wishing I had. "I'm scared, but I won't run away," I told him in a small voice. I sounded like a little boy, and cursed myself for sounding like a total pussy.
"Because of what happened last night?" he asked me, his eyes filled with sympathy again. I felt a sudden sense of total kinship to Seifer. He was as moody as I was, only he was louder about it.
"No. It upset me at the time, and I might have a few nightmares tonight, but it was my own fault. I was stupid. I knew what I was doing. But I'm not so weak that this will crush me," I breathed.
"What do you mean you knew what you're doing? Did you want to be raped?" Seifer asked me in bewilderment.
"No. I wanted you to save me from being raped. Lucky for me that you did," I said, staring at the ground. I needed to be honest for once with him.
"You wanted me to save you? Are you crazy??"
"No. I'm pathetic. Call it a desperate attempt. I guess I took too many lessons from Rinoa. I wasn't doing it consciously, not like she did, but subconsciously, in the back of my head. I knew you'd come. Romantic notions, I guess," I shrugged, refusing to meet his eyes now.
Seifer blinked, absorbing this. His eyes became cloudy, and I was unable to pinpoint what he felt. "You wanted me to fall in love with you?" he asked bluntly.
"I don't know what I want," I answered truthfully.
"Tell me what scares you then, Squall. I want to know. Is it what I did all those years ago?" Seifer asked me, looking away, and out onto the ocean.
"Partially, but not really. I thought it bothered me yesterday, but to be honest, I don't think that's it, either," I said quietly. Somehow he was asking all the questions now.
"Then tell me why I scare you."
"Tell me how you feel about me."
Seifer turned to me slowly. His eyes were still cloudy, unreadable. The lines of his face and body seemed to glow in the moonlight. He stood up slowly, walking towards me, his eyes staring into mine, as if he was trying to see my soul. He stopped only inches away from him. I felt the sudden fear I always felt, but forced it down and away. I flinched a little, but I didn't break our gaze, or back away from him. His face seemed to soften from it's permanent harsh expression, and he leaned down to me, so I could hear his breath. For a few pulse-quickening moments I thought he would kiss me, but his lips touched my ear instead, gently.
"I'm in love with you, Squall. I've been in love with you my whole life. Ever since I saw your pretty little tear-streaked face in the orphanage. Even then I knew I had to have you. To make you mine. But I fucked it up, didn't I? When I tried to make you mine," he whispered, so gently it sounded like the breeze on my ear.
He pulled back, and stared down at me, his eyes full of pain and regret. And love. My god, I was such an idiot. All this time, and he loved me. Me.
Seifer loved me.
He was crying, silently. Tears rolled down his face, but he didn't turn away or mask it this time.
I did something I'd never done before. I reached out and I buried my face in his chest. Whether it was because I wanted comfort, or if it was to comfort him, I couldn't tell you. But he pulled me against him, holding me tightly. I could smell him. His cologne, his deodorant, his own musky male scent. I breathed him in, my eyes dry, even though I felt like I was crying.
"You scare me because I'm afraid to love you back."
His embrace seemed to tighten around me. "Why?" he choked out.
"Because I don't want you to go away and break my heart.... I could live through it with Ellone and Rinoa. With my parents and even Matron. But I'd kill myself if you broke my heart," I confessed. There it was. The ultimate truth.
"Let me love you.... Let you love me.... Please, Squall. Not having you breaks my heart every day. I'm gonna turn into a complete pussy if you don't let me have you," he pleaded, laughing darkly at his last statement.
I smiled sadly at his weak attempt at a joke. "And it seems to be driving me insane," I told him.
"We're both so fucked in the head that we deserve each other," he whispered.
"How romantic of you to say so," I chuckled, leaning my head back to look into his face. He smiled weakly down at me, his scar crinkling. I felt infused full of warmth. Every cell in my body vibrated with feelings for Seifer. There were too many of them to sort out, but most of them seemed to be...
Did I love Seifer?
Was that what was making me crazy all this time?
"Seifer..." I breathed, burying my face in his chest. I couldn't even verbalize what I felt. I just held him as he held me.
His hand stroked my hair, running his fingers through it. I felt peculiar thrills travel through my body at the touch. It felt odd. I'd had sex with several women, but never had they made me feel like this, especially not by just touching me.
"Squall.... Let me make love to you tonight. I won't hurt you... I promise...." Seifer whispered into me ear. I closed my eyes when he said this. We hadn't even really kissed. But... I wanted him to make love to me. There was no confusion about that now.
"I know you won't...." I whispered. I knew it now. Seifer wasn't a frustrated little boy anymore. He was a grown man, same as me.
"Is that a yes?" he questioned.
"Yes. It's a yes. I... trust you. I wasn't sure until now, but I trust you," I told him, looking up into his green eyes, which seemed so warm now.
"Squall...." he breathed, leaning down, his lips hovering over mine for a minute. Seifer was going to actually give me a real kiss. I closed my eyes, and parted my lips slightly.
Seifer's arms lifted me up slightly, so that I was on my toes when our lips met. His lips were surprisingly soft, moving gently against mine. They soon grew moist as our kisses grew deeper. I was practically trembling from the onrush of feelings and sensations he gave me just from kissing. It was a tsunami of delicious little tingles, and I never wanted it to stop.
I could feel his hands, sliding across my back, down to grip my ass. He held me like that for a moment, before leading me back behind the rocks, never breaking our kiss until we reached where he wanted to be.
I looked around for a moment and realized we were by the rocky outcropping I had taken a nap under a few days ago. Was it only days ago? It felt like years ago. My eyes rested on a blanket he had by there.
"How convenient," I frowned. Surely he couldn't have planned this.
Seifer chuckled slightly, his chest rumbling against me. "I was going to sleep out here actually. I didn't feel like sleeping in the same room as Quistis tonight, after what she had a part in," he said.
"She's sorry, Seifer. And I don't think she wanted the video. I think that was all Selphie. I overheard them arguing about it, and it was Selphie's," I said, wondering why I was even defending Quistis. Then it occurred to me that Quistis was Seifer's best friend. He didn't need to lose his best friend over this.
"I know. But I'm still mad at her. I'm furious with Selphie. I don't think I can ever forgive Selphie, but I'll forgive Quistis. I just needed time away...." he sighed.
"I understand..." I whispered, stroking his back in comfort. His muscles were so taut. He felt wonderful under my fingers.
"Can we not talk about the girls? They ruin the mood for me...." Seifer whispered.
"Alright," I shrugged.
Seifer suddenly pushed me down on the blanket, and slid down next to me, propping himself up on his elbow to look down at me. I smiled up at him. "You are so beautiful," he whispered, stroking my cheek with his finger.
I blushed. I felt like an adolescent boy again. "So are you," I whispered back. And he was.
He leaned down to kiss me again. Our lips met, but soon our tongues sought the other out, entangling. I'd never enjoyed kissing before. It was wet and boring. But with Seifer it was magical. I could feel his hands traversing my chest, pausing to tease my nipples through the cloth of my shirt. I gasped slightly, and I felt Seifer pull back when he discovered my tongue rings.
He was blinking at me. "Two..?" he asked in confusion.
I smiled, a little impishly. My confusion was gone, and I never even noticed it leave. I felt alive, and I wanted to give Seifer pleasure, as much as I wanted him to give me pleasure. "Do you want to know why two are better than one?" I grinned.
"Yeah..." he asked in all innocence. I pushed him down a bit, kissing him again. He kissed back, letting me push him down. I unbuttoned his shirt, leaving it open so I could let my lips travel across his chest. He moaned slightly, his nipple hardening before I even reached it. I flicked my tongue studs against his nipple, demonstrating to him why two tongue rings could be so much fun. I distracted him by sucking gently on the brown little nub while I unbuttoned his pants.
Seifer outright groaned when I left his nipple to kiss my way down his stomach. I pulled his pants down a little, and he accommodated me by lifting his hips to make it easier for me. I paused by his navel, flicking my tongue studs against it, the little balls rolling against the flesh. I felt his hands rest on my head then, pushing me down gently. He knew what I was going to do, and he wanted it badly.
I resisted and moved at my own pace, slowly kissing my way down his abdomen, flicking my tongue rings against his flesh periodically. When I finally reached his golden pubic hairs, Seifer was sighing in frustration. I smiled to myself, and found the tip of his partial erection, kissing it gently. He was instantly fully hard, and I could hear his breath hitch. His hands still rested on my head, and his fingers were massaging my scalp.
I snaked my tongue out, and rolled my tongue studs against his velvety tip, causing strange moans to escape Seifer's lips. He tried to thrust himself into my mouth, but I pulled back. "Stay still, Seifer..." I whispered. He looked at me with a glazed expression, but nodded.
I went back to work, rolling the small balls of my two tongue studs against his slit, which caused him to cry out loudly, his entire body shuddering. It was almost a kind of power trip. Seifer responded to whatever I did. I was enjoying myself immensely. I tasted something on my tongue and realized that Seifer was leaking precum into my mouth. I lapped it up, finding the taste, while a little odd, rather enjoyable.
"Oh, fuck, Squall..." Seifer moaned and sat up, surprising me. I sat up, but he was already pulling me against him.
"Did I do something wrong?" I asked. I didn't understand why he would want me to stop.
"No... I just don't want to come yet. I want to be inside you when I do that," Seifer muttered, pulling my shirt off quickly.
I blushed again. I wasn't use to being spoken to like that. All my previous sexual encounters had all been silent. No compliments given either way. No one said anything about wanting me. Maybe it was because they were women, and expected me to be the dominant one, I don't know.
Seifer was already pulling my pants off, and I was soon as naked as he was, our bodies pressed against the other while he plundered my mouth with his tongue, our hands roaming each other's bodies. He found my own cock, and stroked it gently, bringing me to full arousal as well. I moaned into his mouth, shuddering at the touch.
"I don't have any lubricant..." he whispered into my ear.
"It'll be alright..." I said, kissing him again.
"No... it won't be. I promised not to hurt you," Seifer said, pulling back.
"I'd rather it hurt a little bit, than if you left to get lubricant," I sighed.
"I'll make lubricant," Seifer shrugged, and pushed me back down against the blanket.
"Wha-?" I asked before he knelt between my legs, pulling them over his shoulders and pressing his face against my ass. I was completely taken off-guard, never having even thought about things like this. I really wasn't a sexual person unless Seifer was around me. I felt his tongue snake between my cheeks, licking my opening. I squirmed slightly, finding this action extremely odd, but I wasn't going to fight him. I bucked a little when his tongue penetrated me, simply from the foreign feeling of it. I got used to it after a minute. It actually felt incredible.
Just when I really got into it, Seifer's tongue left me. I felt something a little bigger push into me and realized he was fingering me. I squirmed and yelped a little. It hurt a little, but his finger was coated in saliva and was spreading it inside my entrance. "Seifer.." I moaned, the pain fading off as my body adjusted to the finger. I preferred his tongue, but it actually felt pretty good, too.
"I'm going to stretch you a little, Squall, okay? So it won't hurt so much..." Seifer whispered to me. I left my eyes closed and nodded, feeling another finger go inside me, and then another. It hurt more than a little, but I bit my tongue. Even though it hurt, I didn't want him to stop. He spread his fingers a little, stretching me. I winced and whimpered a little, but tried not to show my pain. I still didn't want him to stop.
After a few moments, I realized why I didn't. Seifer was pressing his fingers against my prostrate, and it felt wonderful. I relaxed, letting the pleasurable sensation soak through my body. His fingers withdrew and I whimpered again, but mostly from the feeling of being empty.
Seifer was helping me to sit up, and was sliding me onto his lap. I glanced down at his aching erection, knowing that I would be grateful for being stretched a little before he entered me. "You're doing great, Squall," Seifer comforted, kissing me on my lips, and smoothing my back.
"I'm not a little kid, Seifer..." I sighed, a little irritated.
He chuckled into our kiss, bring my hips closer to his. "Mreow. I was just trying to be nice," he purred. Seifer lifted my hips a little, positioning me over his erection. He kissed me again, looking into my eyes to make sure it was still okay.
I smiled at him and dropped my own hips down on him, impaling myself with him. Seifer moaned, readjusting us so he could slide into me more fully. It hurt like hell, but I bowed my head, burying my face into Seifer's shoulder. I could feel him murmuring comforting things into my ear, and stroking my back. I wrapped my arms around him, focusing on him rather than the pain.
"I love you so much, Squall...." Seifer whispered. It almost seemed like that statement forcibly removed my pain. All the hurt ebbed off, and I was left with the pleasurable sensation of Seifer filling me.
"I love you, too, Seifer," I confessed, not entirely aware I'd even said it. But Seifer heard it, and I felt his arms press me closer to him. I could even feel the tears run down his cheek when he started to thrust into me.
Our lips met again, even as Seifer established a rhythm into me. I moaned softly, and all the pain I had felt seemed to have changed into pleasure. There's a certain sense of fulfillment to have the man you love inside of you, whispering his feelings into your kisses. I felt warm, safe, happy. I'd never felt like that before. It was beyond the physical pleasure. All my confusion, anguish, and depression were gone. I knew what I wanted and I had it. And the best part was that he wanted it just as much.
Seifer was driving into me, thrusting right into my spot. Most of my thoughts became hazed, as my body demanded precedence. Seifer had barely even touched my leaking cock, but the simple pleasure of him inside me was driving me wild. He bounced me a bit on his hips, sending sharp tingles of ecstasy down my spine. I could feel myself twitch, and the feeling of heated metal traveling from my testicles to my cock. I shivered and cried out, coming several times before my orgasm ceased to rack me. I had squeezed myself tight around Seifer's cock as I did so, and halfway through my own orgasm, he came as well. Even when I weakly slumped against his chest, I could feel his taut body releasing itself, filling me with his seed. I'm not sure, but I think he came more than me.
We were quiet for a long time after that, catching our breaths, entangled in the other's arms. We had both laid down, and were staring into each other's eyes. His cat green eyes were depthless. After a while, he kissed me again.
"Did you mean it, Squall?" he asked me.
I blinked, trying to understand what he meant. Then it dawned on me fully what I had said. I was silent for a few minutes, and I felt his body grow stiffer and stiffer as the minutes passed in silence. I think he was prepared for the worst.
"Yes. I meant it."
Seifer's body relaxed against mine and I saw him smile. I smiled back and kissed him. We stayed like that for long into the night.
I had come here full of anger, resentment, confusion, and fear. And I would leave my "family" reunion full of love, contentment, clarity, and understanding. It wasn't just a reunion of my surrogate family, but a reunion with Seifer, the man I'd loved for a long time, but had never been able to admit it, even to myself, before now.
I fell asleep, for the first time in my life, completely happy.
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