Requiem for a Heart of Stone
"Come back." He whined when the blankets slid away from him as I slipped out of bed. His voice, usually so clear, is husky with sleep and he doesn’t even open his eyes as I rise and don my clothes.
"Squall?" It was almost a whisper; my name on his lips and it almost weakened me enough to stay. I would’ve stayed if I didn’t have something important to see to. Seeing the early morning sunlight slant across his face was the only reason I awoke at all sometimes.
"I’ll be back, Zell. Give me an hour or so and I’ll be back."
I can barely keep the smile from my lips when he gets that petulant tone. This time was no exception.
"Yes, I promise."
I leaned over him, brushed his hair back and kissed the corner of his mouth. He grunted and rolled over, pulling the blankets with him. I was careful not to make a sound as I opened the door to go. I turned for one brief second to see him once more before I left. The sight of him would have to last me through the hours of the early morning until I could be with him again. No doubt he’d plague my thoughts while I was gone, as he always did. Somehow without my knowing it, he’d sneaked past my carefully constructed defenses and firmly entrenched himself within my heart. Hell, within my soul. I don’t know how I made it through the past few years without him. But now that he was mine, I’d sacrifice anything to keep him near. He was my salvation, and I’d never even known it.
The fluorescent hall lighting shone into the room and he groaned in protest. Smiling, I closed the door quietly. I wanted him to be sleeping soundly when I returned just so that I could wake him up again.
Securing the lock one final time, I turned and began the trek that would take me to Cid’s old office where I planned to do as little as possible in as little time as I could. And then I could return to Zell’s bed, to his side, and I could hold him as long as I wanted.
There goes the Commander. He’s even pretty when he rolls out of bed. No surprise there, though. I glance around conspicuously before I test the doorhandle. Locked, damn it. Well, Leonhart is nothing if not thorough. Judging by the sounds coming from this room in the still of the night, he’s thorough at just about everything.
I pull the small metal pick from my pocket and insert it carefully into the lock as I push up on the door handle. It opens smoothly, soundlessly. So far, so good. I’d have to be careful and I’d have to be quick, well, not too quick. I planned on taking just enough time to discover how it feels to have him sliding smoothly beneath me, how it feels to hear my name on his lips instead of Squall’s. And if he wanted to cry and beg, well, that was fine with me too.
I moved quietly into the room, locking the door behind me and turning the deadlock. Should’ve checked that before you left, Commander. No doubt you’ll be cursing yourself later for that one.
Once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see his still form under the blankets. Peaceful in his repose, so sweet, so beautiful. For as long as I’d known the two of them, I’d always lusted after Squall. Hard not to, he was perfection. But Zell, he had something ~ something indescribable, something pure. Watching him fight, watching him move, that was stirring in itself, but when he wasn’t in motion, something settled over him, making him absolutely irresistible.
It was innocence, plain and simple. He was an innocent. No matter how many he killed or what horrors he’d witnessed, he possessed purity and a light from within. And that’s what I wanted for myself. Just a taste, a small hint of what it would be like to own his heart, be his love. I wanted a piece of his innocence to take with me, to remind me that somewhere in this world, goodness did exist.
He moaned softly in his sleep. Perhaps he was reliving the previous night in little shards of recall. His thoughts were sure to be hazy and unclear, mostly just impressions, I’d imagine. I remembered it with perfect clarity, however. Pressed against the wall, I could hear their voices, low and insistent. I couldn’t make out their words, but it didn’t really matter because they didn’t exchange many. Soon enough their words had faded into soft moans punctuated by sharp grunting and the occasional name being called out with just enough desperation to cause my belly to clench in painful restraint. As beautiful as it had sounded then, I was about to experience it first hand and all I could do was hope he didn’t make me hurt him too badly.
I slid out of my jacket, let it fall to the floor and made quick work of the rest of my clothing. I somehow intrinsically knew that Zell slept naked. I stood over him, watching his chest rise and fall. His lips were full and relaxed. I couldn’t wait to taste them under mine. His lashes almost brushed against his cheekbones lending him an even sweeter look. His face was turned half away, hiding the stark black ink of his tattoo, the only thing that marred his beauty. But even that didn’t detract from his angelic countenance. Nothing could.
He stirred, as if sensing my presence, and I held my breath for a second. I exhaled slowly as he stretched, but remained otherwise deeply in slumber. If I wanted him, I’d have to do it now. Tomorrow I’d be far from here and it would do Squall no good to seek me out. I was going underground for a while, I needed the respite. They’d welcomed me back with open arms, even after I’d attempted to kill them all, and more than once at that. I wouldn’t negate their goodness, their collective trusting nature by remaining within this Garden. If anything, I was grateful for the second chance they seemed so eager to bestow upon me. But my time here proved, as it had before, that I didn’t belong. My heart was black and no amount of time and patience would see my redemption. I was cursed with the darkness and to pretend otherwise only served to further blacken my name. If I couldn’t be true to them, at least I could be true to myself. And that’s precisely what I was going to do at this very moment.
I moved over him, over the blankets and stretched out beside him. His eyes fluttered briefly and I took it as my cue. Do it, Seifer, have him…
As always, the dark side of me pushing me to my limits and who was I to disobey? Hadn’t I proved time and time again that the silent voice in me was just a reflection of who I really was?
I moved slowly, not wanting this to feel like an attack, although I was prepared to force him if necessary. Touching his face gently, I moved in, closing my eyes as my lips touched his. Oh, Hyne, so soft, his lips were so soft. I deepened the kiss, sliding my tongue into his mouth, tasting him once, twice, my tongue sweeping over his as if coaxing him to join me. And then all at once, he did. He moved into my arms fluidly, blindly swiping at the blankets that separated us.
With one sweep of my arm the blankets slid off the bed and then his body, in all its splendor, was arching under me in silent accord. Touch me, he seemed to say. I could no more resist his silent invitation than I could rise and leave this room and so I lay my hands on him. Tentatively at first, so as not to startle him. I had to be gentle because as far as I could tell, he had mistaken me for his lover. I would try not to dispel his misplaced notion, this was too good.
His mouth was sweet, as I knew it would be and he smelled of sleep and warm musky male. The scent that never failed to bring me to my knees. The scent that was his alone and here I was, able to absorb it all for myself. It took all that I had in me to hold in the groan that hovered just in my throat. I couldn’t risk alerting him to his mistake and so I breathed, deep and steady.
He moved over me then, the length of him stretched out over me, his thigh sliding between my legs. Oh Hyne, if only I could say his name, just once. I bit down on my lip to stifle my impulse and wasn’t surprised to taste my own blood. If only I could taste his as well…
"Mmmm…" He murmured his kiss slow and precise. How could he be like this so early in the morning? He wasn’t even awake. No matter, I wouldn’t question, I wouldn’t think anymore. I wanted only to feel him, this final time, this only time.
His hands played along the contours of my chest, along my sides, over my hips. Oh, his touch was masterful. Squall had trained him well, it seemed.
Lost in my own thoughts and the thick veil of lust that had enshrouded me, I barely noticed the absence of his mouth on mine when he began placing small, wet kisses all along the length of my body. It wasn’t until I felt his elbows brush the sides my thighs that I realized what he had planned. Oh, Hyne, he was sure to realize his error soon. I knew the differences between Squall’s body and my own, better than Zell could ever imagine. And we were different. He’d have to know.
But my thoughts were obliterated when I felt his lips on me. I arched my back, urging him further. He didn’t wait but took me into his mouth, inch by inch until he’d drawn all of me inside. The feel of his velvet tongue on my pulsing length was enough to make me reconsider my stand on whether or not there was a Heaven. If there were, I was in it at that moment. Which was ironic when you considered the path I’d chosen tonight.
He was sucking, pulling at me then, his small even teeth scoring me slightly. I hissed, sucking air between my teeth as he tightened his lips around me and stroked me with his tongue. Oh, Hyne, I wanted to warn him, but didn’t dare to say a word. I needed to warn him, to tell him…to….
I tangled my hands into his hair and tugged slightly, a signal for him. A telling of the imminent rush I was experiencing. He felt it, acknowledged it by nipping me gently, and then I was falling, soaring even as I lay perfectly still and he never even so much as broke his rhythm. I jerked once and then I was spilling into him, hot and thick and unquestionably broken but still he sucked at me gently, draining me completely. I know I made a sound then, although now I can’t remember what it was and he appeared to be deaf to the sounds I made, apparently still in a sleep induced trance.
I lay, spent, unable to move, but he curled against me and breathed deeply, silently and I knew he was waiting for me to decide the next course of action.
I could leave, having experienced a pleasure unlike any I’d ever imagined, but it simply wasn’t enough. I wanted more, no, I needed more, all of him and so I held him tightly against me and drew him beneath me. His legs parted easily with no coaxing on my part and I settled between his thighs much as he had done to me just minutes before. He cradled me gently, his hips rocking up to meet my rampant erection. Despite the powerful orgasm he’d given me, I was ready for him again. I doubted I’d ever tire of him, no matter the many ways he allowed me to have him.
Still slick with my own seed, I slid into him effortlessly, smoothly and that time I couldn’t prevent the moan from vibrating from my lips onto his. He answered me with one of his own and I had to move, I couldn’t wait any longer and oh, sweet Hyne, he was like an epiphany.
Sucking on his lips, his tongue, one hand pressed intently into the small of his back, I held him open for me, his legs wrapped loosely around my hips as I moved within him. He reached up to wrap his arms around my neck, clinging to me as he began to move restlessly against me, his hips thrashing on the sheet beneath us.
I took his signal and wrapped my other hand around his erection. He jerked within my grasp and I tightened my hold, not breaking my stride. I gripped him tighter, my hand sliding up and down in a rhythm I had learned from another and the friction between the dry skin of my hand and his heated flesh proved to be his undoing. I felt his muscles contract once, twice and once again and it was all I needed. I poured my essence into him even as I felt his ejaculation spill over my fist.
He lay still and out of breath as I slid out of him. The urge to taste him too strong, I moved down slowly and gripped his hips within my grasp as I lowered my mouth to his still throbbing erection. I knew then that he would have no problem keeping up with me. He’d be able to match any pace I set, for as long as I wished it.
His eyes remained closed, as they had the entire time although I knew he was awake. He gasped, loud and telling, as I sucked him dry and when I’d taken the last drop on the tip of my tongue, he collapsed back onto the bed, utterly spent.
He said not a word as I moved from the bed and hunted silently for my clothes. I strapped Hyperion onto my back and stood over the bed staring at him exactly as I had when I’d first entered the room. He lay in much the same position and I pulled the blankets back onto the bed and covered him carefully, my heart silently aching. But I’d made my choice and now that I’d tasted him, I knew I could never stay. So I took the brief time I’d stolen from him and tucked it close to me as I opened the door one last time. He didn’t move and I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore, so I closed the door behind me, striding down the hall and out of sight.
Squall would never be the wiser and Zell would probably regard their interlude as some sort of pre-dawn fantasy. Any blonde hairs he’d left behind would be passed off as Zell’s and the thought of his leaving something behind brought a tight smile to his lips.
As he exited Balamb Garden for what he knew would be the last time; he could still feel Zell’s hands on his body. It was a feeling he would carry with him always, for he would never love another and true to himself, he didn’t look back. Not even when he approached the shore, headed to Balamb, he never looked back. And so he missed the one sight that would have haunted him unto his death. Zell Dincht, wrapped in only a sheet, staring out into the gray light of the morning, watching Seifer Almasy vanish into the mist. And he sighed for all that once was, and would never be again…
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