Rapunzel - A FF8 Yaoi Parody
By J. Marie
Warning!! This is a yaoi story featuring Kiros Seagill and Laguna Loire from FFVIII (and to a minor degree, Seifer Almasy and Squall Leonhart) in a romantic relationship. If you have a problem with male homosexuality, please do not read this. It might open your mind. However, my eager little yaoi fans, there will be no graphic sex scenes, and if rated should be rated PG-13. This is just a humorous yaoi story for everybody to enjoy. For those of you who read "Black and White" or "A Midsummer's Knight's Dream", this story is not connected to either. What! You haven't read them? Shame on you, after this, go do so. However, I must still warn you not to get your computer sticky, because eating while using your computer will damage it. What did you think I was talking about? >giggle< ^_^
Once upon a time there was a cute little girl named Ellone. She couldn't remember her last name, as her parents died when she was very little. So, Ellone went by her first name, or by her nickname, Elle. She lived in a small village called Winhill.
Fortunately for Elle, there was nice girl who lived next door (as opposed to the naughty one that Zone liked to read about), named Raine. She took in Elle and raised her as her own. Elle loved Raine very much.
Eventually, Raine found a nice young man (as opposed to the naughty one that Squall liked to read about), named Laguna Loire. Unfortunately for Raine, Laguna was hurt and she had to nurse him back to health. Elle decided she liked the nice young man and christened him "Uncle Laguna." She was very pleased when the nice young people (as opposed to the naughty ones that Irvine liked to read about) decided to get married.
Now everything was great and everything was swell, but the nice young couple (as opposed to the naughty ones that Selphie liked to read about) were denied their happy ending. So when Dr. Odine came and took Elle, Laguna became the gallant hero and rode off in his white car to go save her. While he was able to save Elle, he was not able to save Raine. She had given birth to Laguna's bouncing baby boy, but did not survive the ordeal.
During his gallant rescue of Ellone, Laguna had earned the presidency of a fine kingdom called Esthar, which he gained by disposing of the evil Witch who ruled the kingdom. When he went back to the village of Winhill, he found that his lovely wife died giving birth to a little boy. Now Laguna had many new responsibilities and taking care of a baby who squalled all the time, by himself, was more than poor Laguna could take. So, in the best interest of the children, he sent little Elle off to an orphanage, run by a good Witch named Edea Kramer, with his young son who he named after the baby's favorite thing to do: "Squall."
Now, Elle grew up to be a lovely young woman with many interesting and mysterious talents. One of which was time compression. And due to her talents, she had to leave all the nice little orphan children (as opposed to the naughty ones like Seifer) she had become "Sis" too. But, she hardly ever got to see her Uncle Laguna and began to feel unloved. So she decided to compress time a little, and took Squall to go see Laguna in the past.
As the story progressed, she found out she was indeed loved. She also found out that an evil Witch from the future wanted her powers. So Elle compressed time a lot so that Squall (after he had grown up, of course) and his friends could destroy the evil Witch. After this little endeavor was complete, Elle was reunited with her Uncle Laguna.
However, poor Uncle Laguna was a very lonely and sad President. He had his two friends, Kiros Seagill and Ward Zabac, but Uncle Laguna missed Raine so much, he hadn't fallen in love again. Now, Elle deeply loved Uncle Laguna, but like she would her own father. But Elle wanted to bring back Raine, so Uncle Laguna could find happiness, and Raine would come back. All she had to do was compress time again.
But Elle soon discovered that she couldn't bring the dead back to life. And when she tried, time went a little... well, actually a lot, weird. What follows is a story of what happened when Elle made a slight (read: big) mistake.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little boy named Kiros of Seagill. Kiros was very beautiful, with long, silky black hair that even at the tender age of six reached his waist.
Now Kiros lived with his parents, Fujin and Raijin, who were very poor. They were servants of the Witch's Knight, Sir Seifer of Almasy, who was a very mean man. He worked for the wicked Witch, Lady Edea of Kramer, who lived in a cottage by a lighthouse, near Kiros' village. Kiros loved his parents, even though his mother always screamed and his father always slept.
So one day when Kiros' parents were out disciplining the village with the Witch's Knight, Kiros crept over to the cottage where the wicked Witch lived. Now, being a precocious six-year-old, Kiros believed that he could just sneak in, steal some of the Witch's flowers and leave. So he did just that, proudly returning home to his parents, with a fistful of beautiful flowers.
"RAGE!!!" Fujin screamed at Raijin as she kicked him in the shin. Kiros' father buckled over.
"Ow, Fujin, that hurt, ya know. Why'djya have ta go an' kick me, jus' 'cause I went and forgot to bring ya flowers today, ya know?" Raijin whined, rubbing his shin ruefully as he looked up at his glowering wife.
Kiros decided to step in before his mother kicked his father through the front door again. They had been through five different front doors this week, and Kiros knew that after this one broke, they wouldn't have the money to fix it.
"Look, Mommy, I brought you flowers from Daddy! It was a surprise!" young Kiros said brightly, saving his father from further physical abuse. Fujin turned on her young son, her harsh face softening as she gazed at his beauty as he thrust the beautiful flowers at her.
"PRETTY...," Fujin said happily taking her flowers from her small son, patting him on the head. She walked over to dinner table and placed them in her vase, smiling happily at her husband, who was looking much relieved.
Kiros went to help his father up, and they ate their dinner together. Raijin prattled, Fujin screamed, and Kiros giggled.
The next day, Sir Seifer came to visit his servants, bringing the Witch, Edea to visit. When she walked into the hovel, with her outlandish gown and hairdo, she looked rather out of place. And the music that accompanied her visit was quite loud. Her cold gaze swept across the room, resting on the beautiful Kiros for a moment before she noticed the vase of flowers.
Edea glared evilly at Fujin and Raijin. "How dare you steal my flowers, you insolent kurs. That is my garden, planted with my seeds. Kurse you ungrateful peasants for stealing my flowers without paying me. If you do not kompensate me for my loss, I will kurse you and all my seeds, so you will never steal from me again," she hissed at the worried couple. Fujin and Raijin stared at each other in horror, realizing where the flowers had come from.
Kiros was mortified. He knew his parents did not have the money to pay for the flowers, as Sir Seifer kept most of it for himself. And he was the one who stole them after all. "No, wait, Lady Edea, don't be angry with my parents! I was the one who stole them! They didn't know! Please don't kurse them! Anything but that!" Kiros cried, falling to his knees before the beautiful, yet overdressed Witch.
Edea rested her cold glare on the beautiful boy. She noticed how lovely his hair was, even longer and more luxuriant than her own. She did not like competition, and she thought of a way to rid herself of it. She sneered at the child, the music growing louder and more frantic.
"Very well, little boy. I will not kurse your parents if you bekome my prisoner for the rest of your kursed existence. Unless of kourse you have one million gil," she said, her evil sneer growing more evil.
Kiros' brown eyes grew wide. "But I have no money, m'Lady," he said in a frightened voice.
Edea's evil grin became positively malicious. "Then you are now my prisoner, it seems," she hissed with great delight as she grabbed the small boy by the arm and began to drag him from the hovel. She ignored Fujin's screaming and Raijin's threats, heading back to her broomstick, leaving Sir Seifer to deal with Kiros' distraught parents.
The wicked Witch flew young Kiros on her broom to the lighthouse by her cottage and locked him up inside. She used her magic to seal the door of the lighthouse, barring any exit for Kiros. This was not a problem for Edea, as it was well known that she could walk through doors without opening them. Though Kiros never truly understood why she would walk through a door, when all she had to do was open it.
So Kiros was locked in the lighthouse, and never allowed to venture outside, forever the prisoner of the evil Witch. Edea had tried to get a doorless tower from the Wicked Witch of the West, but all Edea found when she went looking for her was a puddle of green goo and an empty bucket. So a lighthouse was her only option for imprisonment, as her cottage was full of little brats in white outfits that called themselves "SeeDs".
Sir Seifer and Kiros' parents attempted to barter, plea, and outright beg for Kiros' freedom, but Edea never caved on her decision. When Sir Seifer asked her why she locked a little boy in a lighthouse over some flowers, Edea brought out the Witch's handbook (which can also be used by evil Queens or Sorceresses, is written in several different languages, and is available at your local bookstore for the low, low price of your firstborn child). She pointed out how any self respecting Witch must do something extravagantly wicked over something petty in order to gain Master Witch status. Edea explained to her Knight, that Kiros' petty thievery was perfect for the final act of wickedness Edea needed to earn Master Witch status. When the Witch's Guild came to award Edea her Master Witch status, Sir Seifer and Kiros' parents gave up attempting to free young Kiros, after finding out that Master Witches are always eventually destroyed by gallant princes and their hapless victims given a happy ending.
Years passed, and Kiros grew to be a beautiful man. He had dark mocha colored skin, and deep brown eyes. He was slim and sinewy, tall and graceful, and his beauty surpassed everyone in the land. Fortunately for Kiros, Edea did not own a magic mirror, so his life was not in danger. His hair was in silky, wavy black tresses that grew very long. Kiros hated haircuts, and Edea only spoke to him long enough to give him food, water, and clothing, so his hair grew very long. As time passed, Kiros' hair grew. And grew. And grew. And grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and... well, you get the point. By the time Kiros was an adult, his hair was long enough to reach the ground from the highest point of the lighthouse.
But Kiros was very lonely. He only saw Edea when she brought food or clothing for him. He was also very bored. He wished desperately that some gallant prince would hurry up and save him, because living his whole life locked in a lighthouse didn't excite him very much. But Kiros was a patient man, and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited and waited and waited and... well, you get the point.
While Kiros was waiting and waiting, Edea was finally able to send the little brats in white uniforms off to a ship to guard some girl with the power to compress time. She took an apprentice named Rinoa, who had a unique gift of wearing two different outfits at the same time. Rinoa had a dog for a familiar, named Angelo, who had the honored position of being smarter than his mistress was. Rinoa also had bad habits of running off to the forest to play with her two owl friends, named Zone and Watts, who were also smarter than Rinoa. Edea noted with disappointment that most everyone was brighter than her young apprentice.
The only thing Rinoa was truly gifted in was the Witch's ability to seduce men. She had managed to seduce Edea's Knight, Sir Seifer, much to Edea's chagrin. The Witch's Knight had spent an entire summer of ignoring his villain duties to frolic in the Timber Woods with Rinoa. Edea broke up the relationship, scolding Rinoa for seducing her Witch's Knight. She eventually relented when Rinoa gave her puppy eyes and suggested to Rinoa that she find her own Witch's Knight.
While Rinoa was looking for her Knight in a garden on an island called Balamb, Edea and her own Knight went to the far off kingdom of Galbadia, as Edea was most interested in acquiring rulership of this kingdom. Before the wicked Witch left, Edea left enough food for two months with Kiros, telling him of her evil plans. Kiros nodded his head with apathy and watched Edea fly off on her broom and Sir Seifer ride off on his black steed.
Kiros was now even more bored, for he wouldn't even be able to see Edea. He considered killing himself to end his boredom, but reconsidered, as there had to be a gallant prince somewhere that would save him.
"Hellooo!!! Um, excuse me, evil Witch lady!!! I'm Prince Laguna of the far off kingdom of Esthar!!! I destroyed the evil Witch's reign there!!! And I've come to save, um,.... Damn! Where's my script!?!"
Kiros ran out to the balcony, his long hair trailing behind him and slowing him down somewhat. He leaned over the railing to see a pretty man wearing a sloppy prince's costume, with his crown tilting on his head. This "prince" had raven black hair and delicate features. He was small and almost feminine in his loveliness. His aquamarine eyes grew wide in astonishment when he noticed the beautiful Kiros leaning over the lighthouse railing.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, putting his shiny new machine gun back in its holster, "You must be the beautiful girl that the wicked Witch, Edea, locked up in the lighthouse!"
Kiros rolled his eyes, realizing his fate lay in the hands of a buffoon. "I'm a guy, you moron. And Edea went to Galbadia. What do you want? Fashion tips?" Kiros asked crossly, upset at how the first gallant prince that showed up, looked more like a jester.
The pretty prince blushed and straightened his crown, which only caused it to slip in the other direction. "You are?" he asked, his bottom lip quivering in disappointment, "Oh... Well, sorry for troubling you, sir. I came here to save a beautiful girl, hoping to get married, you see. I just recently became President, I mean Prince, of Esthar, and they said I had to be married to be King. And if you're a guy, well..."
Kiros rolled his eyes, not wanting to let his chance of getting free, get away. He looked down at the goofy prince, noting that this "Laguna" was actually quite pretty. Kiros had plenty of time to think over the years. He realized that gallant princesses were almost unheard of, and his chance of rescue lay in the hands of a man. He also realized that he, the hapless victim of a wicked Witch, was supposed to fall in love with the gallant prince so they could live happily ever after. He had decided long ago that it did not bother him that he was supposed to fall in love with a man. But the gallant prince was not cooperating.
In fact, the gallant prince had turned around and was slumping off back in the direction of his white horse. If he were a dog, his tail would have been between his legs.
"Hey, moron, whatever-your-name-is... Laguna!!!" Kiros cried, trying to attract the attention of the depressed prince.
Prince Laguna turned back around and squinted up Kiros. "Um, yeah?!!" he shouted tentatively, still depressed over his failure.
"Did these people tell you that you had to marry a girl?!!" Kiros shouted at the prince.
"What?!! I can't hear you!!!" Laguna shouted back.
"I said... Oh forget it. Do you have rope?!!" Kiros shouted loudly, wishing to have this conversation up close.
"Rope?!!" Laguna shouted, "No!!!"
"You came here to save a girl locked up in a lighthouse, and you didn't bring rope?!!" Kiros shouted, becoming more annoyed with the prince's stupidity.
"I can't hear you!!! Throw down your hair and I'll climb up to talk to you!!!" Laguna shouted.
Kiros gaped at the pretty prince. "My hair!?! That'll hurt!!!"
Prince Laguna put his hands on his hips and managed to look huffy. "Well, fine then. I'm leaving," he said with a pout on his adorable face.
Kiros sighed and rolled his eyes, realizing that if he didn't do something, his shot of getting free was going to ride off. "Well, only if you ask poetically!!! That is how it's done after all!!!" he shouted at the pouting prince.
Prince Laguna had the good grace to look embarrassed at his own bungling of proper decorum. "Uh, okay. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!!!" he shouted at the lovely Kiros.
Kiros sighed and rolled his eyes again. He let down his hair, not wishing to a have an argument with someone who was at least seven stories below him. Kiros winced and his eyes started to water as the bungling prince began to climb his hair, slipping every so often on the beads. Mercifully for Kiros, Laguna eventually reached the top, climbed over the railing and sat down to catch his breath.
"Who, might I ask, is Rapunzel?" Kiros said after pulling his hair up. He crossed his arms and glared at the prince, noting how much more adorable Laguna was up close.
Laguna looked up at Kiros, and pushed his crown to tilt off the other side of his head. "Um, that was the name of my last girlfriend. She had long hair, too. She was locked up in a tower, though, not a lighthouse. She got saved by another prince. I didn't know your name, so I just stole his line," the prince said cheerfully, noting how much more beautiful Kiros was up close.
Kiros sighed and bent down to help Laguna up. "The name's Kiros. Now, as I was saying before, did these people demanding your marriage say it had to be a girl?" he asked bluntly.
Laguna looked thoughtful and put a finger to his lips. "Um, no," Laguna said, wondering where Kiros was going with this.
"Fine, then get me the hell outta here, and I'll marry you. You can become King, I'll be your Queen, and we can live happily ever after," Kiros said simply, beginning the four-hour task of brushing his hair out.
Laguna looked confused. "But, but... you're a... guy!" he exclaimed, blushing.
Kiros turned his deep brown eyes on the clownish prince and studied him with an honest expression before saying, "So?"
Laguna looked thoughtful again. Kiros thought it best to remain silent when he smelled something burning, emanating from Laguna's ears.
"Well... if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me. And you are very beautiful," Laguna said with a cheerful smile on his adorable face.
Kiros blushed at the compliment. "Well, thanks... So, your hineyness, have you figured out how to rescue me?" Kiros said as he calmly brushed his beautiful hair.
"Oh, I'm working on that," Laguna said happily, picking up one of Kiros' childhood toys and playing with it.
Kiros thought it best not to kill his savior before he was rescued. He did smile through clenched teeth, however. "Why don't you go down to the Witch's cottage, grab some rope, and bring it to me," Kiros said in a sweet tone of voice that wasn't so sweet.
Laguna looked up from the Lincoln logs. "Hey! That's a great idea! You must be really, really smart!" Laguna said brightly, his smile lighting up the room.
Kiros gave him a dangerous smile. "No, you're just really, really, stup... stupendous," Kiros said as he bit back his insult, "So, why don't you go ahead and go do that now." Kiros put aside his brush and dragged his hair back over to the balcony, where he dropped his hair for Laguna to climb down.
Laguna reluctantly put the Lincoln logs back and climbed down Kiros' hair. He waved at Kiros before cheerfully heading over to the stone cottage Edea lived in.
Kiros went back to brushing his hair, debating with himself about whether he should hug the bumbling prince, or just break his neck like a tinker toy.
Laguna cheerfully broke the lock on Edea's stone cottage and happily went about rummaging through her things. He started in the living room, looking under the cushions of the couch, thinking that you could find anything in between the cushions of a couch. However, his search was disturbed when the front door was opened by a girl wearing two outfits, dragging a sour looking man in a bomber jacket into the cottage.
The girl stared at Laguna. Laguna stared at the girl. The sour looking man tried to leave, but the girl held his arm like a vise.
"Um, hello," Laguna said brightly, "I'm Prince Laguna from Esthar and I'm here to rescue the beautiful man locked up in the lighthouse."
The girl looked confused. "There's a beautiful man locked up in the lighthouse?" she asked, scratching her head in confusion. A large, grey and white dog padded in next to her and began to sniff Laguna's crotch.
"Um, yeah, and I'm here to save him. Are you the wicked Witch, Edea?" Laguna asked, hiding the bubblegum wrapper and three gil he found in the couch cushions behind his back after shoving the dog's nose away.
"Me? Oh, no. I'm Rinoa, her apprentice. And this is my Knight, Sir Squall of Leonhart. Isn't he dreamy?" Rinoa said as she rested her head on the sour looking man's shoulder, her normally vacuous look becoming even more vacuous.
Laguna looked at the sour looking Knight, not noticing the physical resemblance to himself. The man was trying desperately to beat the air-headed girl over the head with his gunblade, but to no avail, as she was quite attached to him. "Um, sure," Laguna said, "Hey do you know where I can find some rope, so Kiros can get free?"
Rinoa looked up from fawning over her new Knight and stared dumbly at Laguna, rather resembling a doe caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle. "Uh, no, not really. But feel free to look around, " she said as she went back to cooing over the handsome Knight she had just acquired.
Laguna nodded his head and returned to his search. He came back to the Witch's apprentice and studied her Knight. "Um, excuse me, Sir Squall? I was wondering if I could borrow some of your belts. After all, you have so many and I really need to save Kiros," Laguna asked, using his politest tone.
Sir Squall said, "..."
"Please?" Laguna pleaded.
Sir Squall said, "..."
"I'll be your best friend," Laguna whined.
"Whatever," Sir Squall finally said, undoing his belts to get rid of the annoying prince.
"Thanks! Gee, you're swell. Where are you from? I'll send you a wedding invitation," Laguna prattled as he began to tie the multitude of belts together.
"A garden in Balamb. I was part of an army whose mission was to destroy Witches," Sir Squall said glumly, trying to get Rinoa off of his arm.
"Really? Um, didn't it occur to Rinoa, that you might try and destroy her when her seduction spell wears off?" Laguna asked brightly, not realizing that he just proved that even he was smarter than the boy crazy Witch's apprentice.
Sir Squall grimaced and looked up from his fruitless endeavors to glance at the prince who was tying his belts together. "Apparently not," he sighed and went back to prying the drippy girl off of him. Angelo just whined and shook his head, wishing his mistress was a little brighter.
A loud bang was heard throughout the stone cottage, as Edea's Knight, Sir Seifer stormed in, grumbling to himself. He stopped and stared at the Rinoa's sour Knight, who was staring back. Laguna looked up from his belt tying to watch the spectacle.
Sir Seifer pointed his gunblade sideways at Sir Squall and smirked. "Sir Squall!!! My old rival... What are you doing here? Did you come to destroy the Witch, Edea?" Sir Seifer asked. Rinoa stopped fawning over Sir Squall to jump up and hug Sir Seifer.
"No, unfortunately. I'm Rinoa's new Witch's Knight. She seduced me. What's your excuse? And I thought you were kicked out of the army for bad behavior," Sir Squall said with more animation than anyone had ever seen.
Sir Seifer grimaced and began to try and pry Rinoa off of himself. "I was. Then I became Edea's Knight. I took the job 'cause I was broke, after you guys kicked me out of the garden. I quit a few days ago, though. Edea's gained herself Master Witch status and is probably gonna bite the big one soon, and I don't wanna get dragged down with her, so I turned in my notice and came back to pick up my stuff," Sir Seifer said as he managed to pry Rinoa off of himself.
"Well," Rinoa interrupted happily, having no clue as to what the hell was going on, "now that you two cuties are now getting along, I'm gonna go make some Witch's brew for everyone!"
Sir Squall, Sir Seifer, and even Prince Laguna watched the idiot Witch-in-training skip off into the kitchen with looks of distaste.
"Uh, so is the pay good?" Sir Squall asked Sir Seifer.
"Naw, man, it's sucks big time. And the job sucks, too. If I have to go terrorize one more pastoral village I'm gonna scream from boredom," Sir Seifer said as he sat down on the couch next Sir Squall and began to polish his gunblade. He paused and stared at Laguna who grinned at him. "Who the hell are you?" Sir Seifer asked.
"Oh, I'm Prince Laguna of Esthar and I'm here to save the beautiful man in the lighthouse," Laguna said brightly, still working on his rope of belts.
"Kiros? Oh, okay, just don't get me involved. I quit. I'll let his parents know, though, they'll be happy," Sir Seifer said calmly.
Laguna went back to the belt rope as Sir Squall looked long and hard at the handsome ex-Witch's Knight.
"So, uh, Seifer, you seemed to have grown up a lot since I last saw you. Maybe I should quit too. I really don't want to have to follow that moron Witch around for the rest of my life. So, uh, are you still single?" Sir Squall asked as he placed his hand on Sir Seifer's knee, leaning in on him.
Laguna looked up and stared at the two Knights, fascinated by this exchange.
Sir Seifer grinned and placed his hand on Sir Squall's leg. "As a matter of fact, I am. And if you wanna quit, just end Rinoa's seduction spell by falling in love with somebody else," Sir Seifer said, leaning over to Sir Squall.
"Really? I think I already have... Did anyone ever tell you how handsome you were?" Sir Squall said as his lips came dangerously close to Sir Seifer's. Laguna was furiously scribbling notes on a notepad for ideas with Kiros.
Sir Seifer grinned at Sir Squall and said, "Of course, I tell myself that everyday. I have to tell you though, I picked on you all those years just because I liked you. Would you like to get married?"
Sir Squall smiled, "I figured as much. I ignored you because I wanted to play hard to get. And yes, I would like to get married. But I think we should live together for a while first."
"Sounds like a plan. My castle or yours?" Sir Seifer said, sliding his hand up and down Sir Squall's thigh.
"Yours of course," Sir Squall said as he kissed Sir Seifer passionately. Laguna scribbled down notes even more furiously.
Laguna watched the new couple walk out of the stone cottage, arm in arm, and waved at them cheerfully as they rode off on Sir Seifer's black stallion together. He walked back in the little stone cottage, pleased that he was able to get notes on how to kiss a guy.
Rinoa came out of the kitchen and looked around the living room, noting that her two favorite men had disappeared. She looked at Laguna who was finishing off his belt rope with a look of confusion. "Where did everybody go?" she whined, a pout forming on her face.
Laguna looked up at her. "Oh, Sir Squall and Sir Seifer are moving in together. They said to let you know that they'll invite you to their wedding, but only if you don't ever bother them again," he said cheerfully ignoring the girl's puppy-like expression.
Rinoa's bottom lip quivered. "But-but, if they're gone, then I won't have anybody to seduce," she whined.
"I'm sorry," Laguna said sincerely as he tied the last belt and tested its durability.
"Hey, what about you?" Rinoa said as she wrapped her arms around Laguna, giving him a vacuous smile.
Laguna looked down at her with surprise. "Um, I'm sorry. I have to save Kiros, and then we're gonna be married," Laguna said nervously trying to peel the drippy girl off of himself.
Rinoa sighed and reluctantly detached herself from Laguna. "Well, then who am I suppose to seduce?" she pouted.
Laguna looked thoughtful and then said, "Well why don't you try to kiss a bunch of frogs and try to get one to turn into a prince. Then you can seduce him, I suppose. Or her, if the frog turns out to a princess instead."
Rinoa smiled and said, "That's a great idea, Prince Laguna! You must be really, really, really smart!"
Laguna blushed. "Well, I like to think so. But Kiros is smarter," he said as he shuffled his feet in embarrassment.
Rinoa ran out the door with glee to begin her new task of kissing every frog in sight. Angelo sighed and shook his furry head as he padded after her, wishing once again for a smarter mistress.
Laguna left soon after, his rope made from Sir Squall's many belts trailing after him. He ran up to the lighthouse and started yelling, "Kiros, Kiros, let down your hair!!!"
Kiros stopped brushing his hair, ecstatic that the idiot prince had returned. He ran over to the balcony and began the tedious process of letting his hair down. Laguna shambled up, belt rope in hand. Kiros gritted his teeth and bore the pain.
When Laguna reached the top he proudly showed Kiros his rope made from belts. Kiros blinked his eyes and raised an eyebrow at Laguna. "What the hell is that?" he asked Laguna as he put his hands on his hips.
"This your rope. I couldn't find any rope over there, so I made one from this guy named Sir Squall of Leonhart's belts, because he had tons. I mean if his pants are in that much danger of falling off, he should invest in a smaller size. So I'm gonna tie this thing to the railing like so and all you gotta do is climb down, and I'll climb down, and then we can get married," Laguna said brightly as he tied the belt rope to the railing "like so".
Kiros gaped. "You actually expect me to climb down from a lighthouse on a rope made of belts!?!" he exclaimed.
Laguna blinked his eyes. "Of course not. You have to cut your hair first. With all that weight, the rope will break, and we'll fall and break our necks. Here's the scissors," Laguna said calmly as he handed Kiros a pair of scissors he had stolen from Edea's house.
"You want me to cut my hair?!! My beautiful hair?!! I hate haircuts!!!" Kiros said, mortified over Laguna's suggestion.
Laguna blinked his eyes. "Well if you want, I'll cut it. They're not so bad. Why do you hate them so much?" Laguna said with a genuinely confused expression.
"Because I don't want my hair to look like a bowl. My mother used to cut my hair with a bowl. I broke the bowl when I was three so I wouldn't have to get any more haircuts," Kiros said as tears formed in the corners of his eyes at the horror of having a haircut.
Laguna blinked his eyes again. "Well, I won't use a bowl if it makes you feel better," Laguna said in the most soothing tone he could muster, patting Kiros' shoulder in comfort.
Kiros looked up happily, a smile creeping across his face. "You won't? Well, if you're not going to use a bowl, then you can cut my hair. At the waist. Don't cut it any shorter, " Kiros said as he sat down, presenting his long tresses to Laguna.
Laguna took the scissors and after three hours of hard work was able to cut Kiros' hair off. When he was done, it was waist length, and still quite lovely. Kiros put his hair into several braids and looked in the mirror, satisfied that he was still the fairest in all the land. (He wasn't aware of a woman with black hair, white skin, and red lips that lived with seven dwarves nearby.)
"Well, do you think the rope will hold?" Kiros said with trepidation as he stared at the belt rope.
"Of course," Laguna said with the confidence of a fool as he began to climb down it, shocking Kiros as the belt rope actually held his weight. Kiros sighed, prayed to the gods (who were laughing at the moment), and began to climb down as well.
Luckily, the belt rope did not break until Kiros was only a few feet off the ground. He fell with a loud "thwump" right on his rear end. He got up and rubbed his sore butt, glaring at Laguna who was rolling around on the ground laughing at Kiros.
"Well, if you're quite done laughing at my predicament can we get the hell out of here? I have a wedding to plan for, you know," Kiros said crossly, not noticing the shadow looming over him.
Laguna's eyes grew wide and he squeaked in fear. He pointed at Kiros and squeaked again.
Kiros rolled his eyes and glared at Laguna. "What are you squeaking for?" Kiros said, still having not noticed the shadow looming over him.
Laguna ran over to Kiros, snatched him by the arm, and stepped in front of the taller man, glaring at the person whose shadow was looming over Kiros.
Kiros' eyes grew wide when he noticed Edea was standing behind him, her arms crossed and her foot tapping impatiently.
"Kurse you, gallant prince, for freeing Kiros from my lighthouse. Now I will have to destroy both of you kursed fools," she hissed at the two of them, as her music started to play a diabolical tune.
Laguna looked around with confusion. "Where is that music coming from?" he asked.
Kiros hid behind Laguna. "Don't worry about that now, she's starting to cast a spell!" he cried out as he cowered behind Laguna, annoyed that this is what he was supposed to do. He didn't really care for the damsel in distress routine, but it would be in bad taste if he violated proper decorum.
Laguna grinned wickedly as he brought out his shiny new machine gun and fired on the overdressed Witch.
Edea sneered and blocked all the bullets with her magic. She narrowed her eyes at the gallant prince and her former prisoner.
Laguna threw down his machine gun in frustration. "That's cheating, you-you Witch, you!" he cried out angrily.
Edea threw back her head and laughed evilly (as if she laughed any other way) at the prince who had the audacity to throw a temper tantrum right in front of her.
Kiros sighed and gave up on proper decorum. He grabbed Edea's hand and slapped her wrist twice. "Naughty, naughty," he said in a dull tone.
Edea's eyes grew wide and she clutched her head and screamed. She started screaming about lost time and childhood and a bunch of other crap until she collapsed on the ground.
Laguna stared dumbly at Kiros. "What the hell was all that about?" he asked the beautiful man who had picked Edea up and was walking towards her stone cottage.
Kiros looked over at Laguna who was following him. "Edea is actually a good Witch. She was possessed by an evil Witch of the future, named Ultimecia. In order to banish Ultimecia back to the future, that was all you had to do. You learn a lot when all you have to do is read in a lighthouse," Kiros said simply. When he reached the stone cottage, he placed Edea's unconscious form on her bed.
Laguna stared at Kiros. "Well, I guess that's it then. Is she gonna be okay?" he asked with genuine concern in his voice.
Kiros shook his head at this fool's compassion. "Yes, she'll be okay. She'll wake in a few hours, back to the real Edea. You know, you're not so bad, for a moron, that is," Kiros said as he headed out of the stone cottage, walking towards Laguna's white horse.
Laguna stopped. "Wait, don't we have to kiss first?" he asked.
Kiros looked over at him. "Oh yeah, that's right, we do. So we can start our happy ending off right," he said grinning at the smaller man.
Laguna smiled at him and ran back into the cottage, returning a few moments later with a stepstool. Kiros looked confused as Laguna placed the stepstool in front the dark skinned man and took out a notepad he seemed to be studying intently.
Kiros cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but aren't we suppose to kiss? What are you doing?" Kiros said, not able to contain his annoyance.
Laguna put the notepad back up. "Oh," he said as stepped on the stepstool, making himself a little taller than Kiros, "I was just studying some notes I took on kissing guys."
Kiros rolled his eyes and was about to make another snappy comment when Laguna kissed him passionately. Kiros was startled and then relaxed and kissed back tenderly. They embraced each other and...
Elle clasped her hands in shock. She was finally able to wrest her consciousness into this timeline's version of herself, and escape from the overprotective white uniformed SeeDs there. She had just arrived off the ship and was now confronted by Laguna and Kiros locked in a passionate kiss.
"Oh, no," Elle exclaimed, "I've ruined everything! I have to fix this now!"
Elle concentrated and began to alter time back to way it was supposed to be. Reality shimmered and warped and everything returned to normal.
Or so Elle thought...
Rinoa knocked on Seifer's door loudly. She had convinced Squall to come talk to Seifer to work out their problems yesterday, but Squall never returned. She was really concerned. She sighed and debated with herself.
"Oh, well," Rinoa said as she opened the door into Seifer's apartment, "I've gotta find out where my pumpkin bunny is."
Rinoa crept down the hall hearing strange sounds from Seifer's bedroom. She reached the door, noting that these sounds sounded suspiciously like Squall and Seifer groaning in pleasure.
Rinoa looked confused and opened the door, greeted with a vision of Seifer and Squall tangled up in the bedsheets doing... interesting... things to each other. Rinoa gaped at the two men who turned to look at her with shock registering on both their handsome faces. They turned and looked back at each other, with an even more shocked expression.
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE THE TWO OF YOU DOING!?!" Rinoa screamed, her face purpling in anger.
Squall jumped off of Seifer and skidded back, accidentally slamming into the wall. He rubbed his head ruefully and looked down, noting he was naked and covered in... well, I'm sure you know what he was covered in.
Seifer continued to stare at Squall looking shocked and horrified, not quite remembering exactly why he was having sex with his bitterest rival. He couldn't quite to decide whether to admit that was fun and ask Squall to do it again, run away, or kill Squall. He looked into Squall's eyes and noted these same thoughts were passing through Squall's own mind.
"Excuse me, Squall," Rinoa said in a dangerously sweet tone, placing her hands on her hips and leaning into Squall's face, "I really hate to break this up, but when I said to make up with Seifer, I didn't mean for you to make out with him."
Squall looked at Rinoa in horror, then at Seifer. Seifer looked at Squall in shock, then at Rinoa. The two men swallowed simultaneously and rubbed their scars, both trying to figure out what was going on.
Rinoa narrowed her eyes dangerously. "It seems the two of you have got a lot of explaining to do," she said sweetly.
Elle gaped at Laguna and Kiros who had been kissing for the past half hour. Apparently, there were still a few things mixed up from temporal mistake she had made. Eventually the two men pulled apart and stared at each other in confusion. Kiros still held Laguna, and Laguna still held Kiros, both men looking deeply into each other's eyes.
"Um, Kiros, not that I'm complaining or anything, but do you have the slightest clue why we were kissing?" Laguna asked sincerely.
Kiros blinked his eyes and shrugged. "Haven't the foggiest notion, Laguna. But that was... nice," Kiros said, just as sincerely, gently placing Laguna back on his feet.
Laguna grinned up at Kiros. "Yeah... it was. Maybe we could have dinner together tonight and discuss the, um, possibilities of that sort of thing happening again," Laguna said shyly.
Elle sighed, realizing that even though she had messed time up a little, and couldn't bring back Raine, she had still managed to make Uncle Laguna happy. Elle smiled because she liked happy endings.
Kiros grinned at Laguna and took the pale man's hand gently. "That sounds great, Laguna, it really does. But I have one ground rule, I need to set up right now," Kiros said.
Laguna blinked and cocked his head at Kiros. "What's that?" Laguna asked.
"Just don't call me Rapunzel again, ok?"
Return to Archive