One Moment, And A Year
Chapter 21 - All I Need
Sunday, 5th July
People, teachers and instructors, had told him once or twice, when he'd been younger and training to become a mercenary and a killer that blood was really just like red water- it wasn't so scary. He knew, now that he *was* a killer, looking at his hands covered with the stuff, that whoever had told him that hadn't seen much of it. Rivers of blood didn't flow with a gentle current like rivers of water, they weren't so light. Blood clotted, it was thick, and oozed. It oozed between his fingers, between the leather on his gloves as he flexed his fists and took up Hyperion again. It was sticky.
The bodies around him hadn't all fallen by his blade or his gun but that didn't stop his boots from skidding on life's liquids as it spilled across the floor, it didn't stop flecks of blood getting all over him when the soldier beside him slit another victim's throat. He wasn't cut out for this trained killer business.
His mind was screaming at him, all his consciousness wanted to run, wanted to just go back to Garden where everything could be normal again. But Her Seifer, Her Knight had other things to say on the matter and stayed exactly where he was. It was horrible knowing a part of yourself wanted this crimson liquid to cover the floor, that Her Knight, this creature she created inside his head, loved to watch two pools running together until they joined and became one. But Seifer couldn't do anything about Her Knight so he tried not to pay attention. He forced himself to just watch colours and things and try not to work out what they really were. He convinced himself none of it was happening.
It wasn't very nice being a prisoner inside his own body.
Seifer's eyes flickered open. He had thought that when the nightmares finally came that he would wake screaming, that he would remember all the horrible things his body had done, effectively on its own, without *his* mind. But instead the dreams were more eerie. They reminded him of the things he had done everyday when he had been Her Knight; things he still did now as a mercenary for Commander Sulky, now that he was going on missions again. He tried to settle his breathing and banish the melancholy. It was a horrible, simplistic feeling that the dreams left him with, and the knowledge that the blood on his hands then was just the same as the blood on his hands now. Maybe then he had been trying to take over the world but in essence what it took to take another's life was just the same. A flick of the wrist and Hyperion would do the rest. That was what scared him most; really, it was the only thing that scared him. The prospect that nothing had changed, that now Headmaster Sulky was his Sorceress, he'd kill because he was told to and it wasn't so different. Except now it was him doing the killing, not Her Knight.
The melancholy didn't go away in a hurry, so Seifer waited, if he went to sleep sad he'd wake up angry. He turned his head slightly to watch the little body sleeping beside him and scowled. Zell looked like a child when he slept, an innocent. Seifer smirked at the line, he knew Zell wasn't, he'd been right there when the martial artist had first begged him to fuck him harder. He remembered when Zell had first admitted he wanted Seifer, he remembered how good it had felt to finally have someone who paid attention to *him*, albeit his body. He knew all Zell's wicked little thoughts, he knew the martial artist was smarter than others thought and that he liked it that way. A 'false sense of security' he had said. He knew Zell's cooking skills, he knew Zell's lusts.
A moment of sentimentality caught Seifer with his guard down and he reached out to touch Zell's sleeping face, he wanted to remember what it felt like, to burn the feeling into his memory so if anything happened he would know what it was like to sleep next to someone you cared for... He *cared* for Zell? He did. Zell would save him... maybe. Zell was a constant now, now they'd had this thing going for a while. He was something Seifer could hold onto. Not that he wanted to right now, Zell was beaming happily in his sleep and it was worrying. He almost wanted to know if the other blond were dreaming of hotdogs or sex but he didn't have it in him to ask. A careful whisper would have Zell talking though not awake, Seifer knew this from all the other times he'd done it, especially when Zell had been younger.
The memory brought a smile (no smirk this time) and Zell sighed. His face scrunched up suddenly in a frown and he rolled over to face Seifer, pressing the side of his face against the other boy's chest and trying to snuggle his limbs up to Seifer's. The gunblader did nothing but made no move to push him away either, a warm and familiar body was something that made his heart feel easier. The little time he had spent at Ultimecia's side had ripped out any shred of dependency Seifer had ever felt. She had proven to him that life was easier on your own, that way your actions are yours and no one can blame you for things you didn't really do. This was why his growing affection for Zell had worried him so much. He didn't want to care for anyone, it was easier that way, on your own. But, a treacherous part of his mind thought, if Zell stands by you it will be easier still. "If he stands by me..." Seifer mumbled.
With his eyes still closed Zell reached for Seifer's hand. "'Sup?" he mumbled into the other boy's chest. "You're not 'sleep?"
Seifer smiled, a little curl of his mouth that made his emerald green eyes soften dramatically. "It's getting light, you have a mission tomorrow. Go back to sleep."
"Mmm," Zell murmured, turning onto his back and sliding back into sleep.
Something in Seifer broke, and he knew there was no way he could leave the martial artist. In the gathering light he slipped his arm back under the covers and around Zell's waist, pressing himself up close to him. This was where he wanted to be for always and forever, he realised and knew it for sure, breathing in the heat the little blond's body created. With Zell in his arms maybe Her Knight would die forever, maybe this heavy sadness in his heart would wither and vanish. With Zell maybe life wasn't so bad.
O.O This is a super short chapter but I felt like it spoke for itself so I didn't want to make it any longer. It was also one of the first parts I wrote so it feels like this is what it was all building up to. i.e. Seifer finally admitting to himself that he needs and cares for with Zell. He kind of did it in the last chapter but... I wanted it again! Awwww! Makes ya feel all gooey don't it?
Thought I should post these two together as today is the 5th of July (and to apologise for the long lasting cliff hanger). Happy Birthday to my housemate, who doesn't read this so will never know I said so :D
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