This fic was partially inspired by Malice Mizer’s "Illuminati," thanks to my random Malice Mizer/Gackt playlist. As some of you may already know, Squall’s outfit was based off of Gackt’s in "Illuminati," so I guess it’s fitting. Anyway, there are homosexual themes, so if you don’t like that kind of stuff, turn back now.

Illumination

Part 1

By okanechan

How long has it been since I’d been able to concentrate on anything? My relationship with Rinoa went down the tubes after the shock of fighting Ultimecia wore off. Back then, there were definite short-term goals: Pass the SeeD exam. Carry out my first mission. Kill Sorceress Edea. Get rid of Ultimecia. Help Rebuild Trabia. After all of that was done, I found myself buried in paperwork and Rinoa. They kept me busy, but they had no meaning to me.

There have always been days when I didn’t leave my quarters, and didn’t let anyone in. I know that I cause everyone to worry. I don’t mean to; everyone knows that I can take care of myself, right?

Anyway, to appease their concerns, I started seeing a shrink in Balamb, Dr. Kadowaki. He’s the son of the good doc who works in the Garden infirmary. After putting me through a battery of tests, he told me that I didn’t have any medical problems; I only lacked the motivation to improve my situation. I did not want to hear that. I just wanted a little pill that would help me concentrate on my duties at Garden, and maybe some Viagra or something so I could fulfil my duties to Rinoa. I’m sure it would surprise the hell out of the "orphanage gang" to find out that, after eleven months with Rinoa, I’m still a virgin. If coming home to a half-naked Rinoa isn’t enough "motivation" to screw the hell out of her, what is?

"Are there any other women you’ve felt ‘motivated’ to have sex with," Kadowaki Junior asked.

That question caught me by surprise. After a few minutes of consideration, I had to admit that I didn’t.

"Have you ever considered the company of men instead?"

That question made me furious. "Come on," I told him. "How could you compare me to some sissy-faggot? Did I not prove my worth by beating the shit out of three sorceresses, most of the Galbadian Army, and Seifer fuckin’ Almasy? If I could beat the most macho guy on the face of this planet, I couldn’t possibly be gay!"

"First of all," the doc admonished, "You will refrain from using the word faggot in this office. We queers don’t take kindly to that term. Second, not every gay man is a ‘sissy’. It wouldn’t surprise me if that Almasy kid were gay. Guys often try to use athletics and fighting to ‘compensate’ for such things while they’re still ‘in the closet’."

He then dropped the bombshell. "Why are you so offended in the first place?"

It all hit me so suddenly. I knew that I was gay. I’d wanted Seifer for years, but I started using Guardian Forces so I could forget. I was afraid that I would be kicked out of Garden if anyone found out.

"You knew that was never true," a lilting feminine voice reminded me. "That Headmaster never cared who you slept with, as long as nobody became pregnant."

Damn Shiva for finding the flaw in my logic. "Why did I want to forget, then?" I mentally asked her.

"What are your GFs telling you?" Doctor Kadowaki asked.

I then told him everything I remembered, thanks to Shiva. I told him how Seifer used to protect me from older bullies when we first started attending Garden. I told him how I felt weak and guilty because I needed his help, and how I resolved to become strong enough to take care of myself and never need anybody’s help. It was then I remembered why Seifer started trying to bully me around; I had started bullying him, once I felt strong enough to beat him. I thought that if I kicked his ass a few times, I would stop having these strange feelings about him. I would see him as weak and unworthy of my attention.

Unfortunately, my hour with the younger Kadowaki was up. During his farewells, he informed me that his mother would know where Seifer was, if I ever wanted to contact him.

I found out the next day that Seifer and Martine had started their own Garden of sorts in Fisherman’s Horizon; I guess Mayor Dobe finally saw that talking couldn’t solve every problem.

Of course, I couldn’t avoid Selphie and Quistis’ inquiries about my therapy session, so I told them everything. I knew they’d be more open-minded than Rinoa or Irvine, and I didn’t want to tell Zell just yet. Selphie told me to go for it and tell Seifer how I felt. Quistis helped me pack my bags. I figured I had nothing to lose.

I actually started writing this a few weeks ago at work between 10pm and midnight. I was the only one on, and all of my "clients" were asleep, so there was nothing to do but let my mind wander into EcchiLand. However, as usual, the fic has taken on a totally new direction than expected. I wanted to do a songfic of Morrissey’s "The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get," but once I started with the therapy session, I couldn’t control it any longer! You can definitely expect lemon in later chapters if I ever get the nerve to continue this! Should I continue this? Please do review. All sorts of criticism is welcome (doesn’t mean I’ll follow it, though)!

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