Author's Notes: This is a one-shot fic with ... someone and Seifer. You should be able to guess who this is if your a big fan ^^ Anyway, I appreciate any comments you have that can help me to improve my writing. And if yaoi disgusts you, GET LOST! :) That or you can secretly read this behind you homophobic friends backs and decide not to comment on how you supposebly think this is sick ^_* I also think this is one of my longest one-shots. Yay for me!
Don't You Understand?
What are they thinking? What are they thinking when they look at me? Do they think I am cold, heartless? That I don't believe in mercy, friendship and love? Whatever they do think is probably wrong. They only see one layer of me. They see my mask that I put to repel people like them in knowing what I'm thinking.. what I'm feeling.
I walk down the hall, exhausted from my trip to the Training Centre. I see a blur of yellow, blue and red before Zell is right up in my face. Fidgeting from one foot to the other he can't seem to contain his daily excitement.
"Hey! Wanna see my new gloves? Wanna go to the Training Centre? What do you think of the new due? What -" And on and on..
I stare blankly at him. Wishing just once he would shut his mouth long enough to observe what goes on around him. Oh well. Not like he'd be able to understand the things I face each day. He's too happy for his own good.
I wait until there's a pause in his endless speech, and I jump in before he can get his breath back.
"Whatever." I set a brisk pace, hoping his insane chatter will leave my head before I go to sleep. Or at least while I try to sleep..
Another hopeless day. An hour or five of paperwork. A minute to eat, or at least to try to get my stomach to agree with what I do manage to shove down my throat in what little time I have to eat. And the rest of the day is spent in the Training Centre, trying to make myself tired before I go to bed. But it never seems to work.
I can feel the heavy bags underneath my eyes, and I almost see red from all the little crimson veins in my eye that are starting to throb. I must look like shit. I wouldn't know though, I try not to look at myself in the mirror to much. I never like what I see.
"Hey! Are you in there?" Damn... Rinoa.
"...No." Maybe she's stupid enough to believe that... I listen closely, and sure enough I hear the sound of her two thousand gil shoes clip against the hard cement floor. She wouldn't understand me either. She's to far gone in her little pink bubble of fairy tales to notice what I experience each day. She wouldn't even understand the feelings I have. Hers all involve happiness and friendship.
I sigh in despair. No one can understand. Irvine and Selphie are to stuck together (literally) to know what's going on around them. Besides, Irvine is to laid back to feel much of anything. And Selphie... well she's just hyper.
Why do we even have an Out box? It's never full past two letters. While the In box is so overflowing that the papers are scattered around my desk, and you can barely see the surface. People mite think all I have to do as acting Headmaster is sign papers and look responsible, but it's harder then that. If I just signed every paper, I could end up signing something that will destroy Garden. I've already received a form from the Galbadia army requesting a stay in our Garden. Now if I had signed that we'd all be dead.
"Aren't you done yet? You've been working on that In box for five hours now." I try my best and what does it get me? A smart ass comment from Quistis. I'd like to see her do this. She couldn't handle the responsibility. Hell, neither can I. But someone's got to do it, considering Cid passed away a year ago. And who was left with this shit ass job? Me of course. That's right Quistis. All you do is sit there and look pretty, while I have to decide who dies, who lives and how many hot dogs we need everyday. You don't know. You'll never know Quistis.
I finally finished that stupid In box. But by the time I wake up tomorrow from an hours sleep it'll be over flowing again. And it took me ten fucking hours. Ten! After that I only have enough time to get something to eat from the Cafeteria and go to bed. I know I have to eat something. My tight leather pants are no longer so tight.. I can feel my bones through my skin, and the muscle is starting to deflate. There's only so much you can do with extreme training with a Gunblade, but you can't maintain your muscle mass unless you eat. That and I hate the feeling of my fragile bones through my pale skin.
"Hey! Over here!" Shit.. it's the whole 'Orphanage Gang'. One big happy fucking family. I cross the cafeteria heading for the large table that holds all my companions. I was planning on leaving as soon as I saw them, but with Zell hollering at me like that there's no way I can sneak away unnoticed.
I gingerly sit down, I can feel everyone's eyes on me. Over the past few months I've been able to stay in the shadows (don't ask me how, I just did) and the harsh lights of the cafeteria finally allow them to see what I've become. My thick chestnut hair is longer and more messier looking, my skin has grown as pale as snow, my body is so skinny now that I am always shivering from the non existent cold. And my eyes are colder then they were a year ago. The large bruises underneath them do nothing but accenturate how ragged and troubled I am.
Various exclamations of "Oh, God!", "You look like shit!" and the list goes on. How I should eat more, sleep more, smile more... well if I did all that nothing would get done. If I took just one day off the In pile would be so high you wouldn't be able to see my desk.
The only person who has stayed silent this whole time is Seifer. He's giving me some kind of look... wait a minute.. is that pity? No.. it's understanding. He understands me! The brief rush of excitement (which I haven't felt in years) overtakes me, and I rush to get out of there. I walk down the halls, almost running. I hear another set of footprints that are faster then mine. Whose stride is longer then mine. Seifer...
"Hey.. wait up." His voice is quiet, yet it carries throughout the empty hall, bouncing off the walls and directing itself at me. I stop, but don't turn around. I don't want to give up hope that he understands. Maybe it was a mirage.
I feel more then see him walk around to stand in front of me. He places his large hand on my frail shoulder and with his other he places a gentle finger on the smooth skin underneath my jaw and he tilts my head up to look him in the eye. My eyes are squeezed shut, I don't want to see pity, I won't want to hear what he has to say about my appearance.
Warmth spreads through me like a volcano exploding. But what caused it? Suddenly I feel the touch of smooth lips pressed against my lids. My eyes shoot open of their own accord... and I look directly into his jade green eyes. It wasn't a mirage! He does understand! I can see it in his eyes... and something else. A small twinkle hidden in those deep green eyes. Oh god.. I think he loves me. But... why?
"Because you mean everything to me," he answers my unspoken question. "You are my world. Your what keeps me going each and everyday. Your the light in my darkness. And I want to be the light in yours. I want to help you up and hold you in my arms when you fall. I want you. I need you. I love you Squall. I'm sorry I didn't see this before, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry-" I place a slender finger upon his silken lips, stopping him in his apologies.
"I know your sorry, and I forgive you for whatever you think you did. But you don't need to apologize to me. I understand. I understand... and I love you too. If it weren't for you I would have wasted away a lot faster then this. I need you too, I want you too." His smile lights up his whole face, he looks so beautiful. I can feel a twitching of my own lips, and I give in. I let myself smile. I only smile for him, to him. He leans in slowly, allowing me to pull back if so desired, and places his warm lips on my cool. I think this is the happiest I've ever been. I feel loved, understood, safe. I feel warm.
I feel everything the he feels! And he feels everything that I feel. He knows what I think. And he loves me for that and so much more. He still loves me for me! And he understand me! Finally, someone who both loves and understands me..
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