By Scarlet Fever
I remember when I was called that. It was the day where we chose weapons at the Garden. Most girls chose stuff like swords, or something dainty, like throwing stars. There were a few that used their fists. My upper body strength had never been my strong suit. I was more into intelligence. So, I chose a whip. It seemed to suit me. I got teased badly. S & M girl. Dominatrix. Actually, the names weren't so bad. Most people didn't really pay attention to me, anyway. I was quiet, a wallflower. But, that one word stuck with me, even now. I've been an Instructor, I've fought beside Squall Leonhart, the most famous student of this school, and the man who snubbed me, to kill Ultimecia. Cowgirl. I don't know... I guess it suited me. I used my whip to heard the masses. It especially suited when I was a teacher.
Maybe it also stuck because of the person who said it. Fujin. She was always with Raijin, and Seifer Almasy. I often wondered if she was a couple with either Seifer or Raijin. Neither seemed to be the case. Raijin was a dolt, and seemed to like a few of the girls from the Guardian Forces class. And, Seifer... Well. He didn't seem interested in any woman. He always made me feel like a bit of a spec of dirt. But, I guess that was better than Squall making me feel like a fool, Rinoa Heartilly's second fiddle. He didn't seem to make time for anyone, except to torture Zell Dincht. I have a feeling that Zell kind of likes it. And, people think that I'm into masochism....
When Rinoa came into Squall's life, and in turn, into the Garden, I didn't know what to think. She was a sweet girl. So sweet... So outgoing. Everything that I wasn't. During the fighting against the Sorceresses, I didn't really think about it much. But, afterwards... I sigh. Here I am... It's been about eight months since then. Why does she still bother me? She shouldn't. I don't have designs on Squall anymore. And, Rinoa is my friend. Maybe I'm jealous because... I don't know.... I'm laying in bed now, staring up at the ceiling, questioning my friendship with Rinoa? It doesn't make me a good friend. I've brought it up with you, and you just smile. I know. I worry too much. I always have. I'm such a mother Hen.
Is that it? Did I feel overshadowed? Balamb Garden is my home. Balamb Garden is my element. This is where I'm strongest. And, Rinoa is very popular here. But, she's a social butterfly. I never was. That's why I have very few good friends. I mostly socialized with Dr. Kadawaki. Mostly associated on the bridge with Nida and Xu. Xu's as work oriented as I am. So much, in fact, that neither Nida and I knew she was married. She doesn't live in Garden, doesn't talk about herself. I also didn't know that Nida was gay. I really don't pay attention to much outside my peripheral vision of work related things. I mean, I prided myself on knowing Squall so well, and yet... I don't really know anything. Not even about myself.
But, you're helping me. I thought that I would have to be more like Rinoa to fit in, to have friends. But, you made me see. If I was more like Rinoa, I wouldn't be myself. You told me that people look up to me. They don't really look up to Rinoa. She's nice, but... I don't want to badmouth her.
She's a ditzy moron.
I guess I shouldn't have said that. And, a lot of the boys here like her more. I never really cared about that. I cared about Squall for so long that other men weren't important at all. And, what a joke that turned out to be. Squall Leonheartless. I wonder how Rinoa landed her.
What a terrible thing to say! But, then again... She did fuck Seifer, didn't she? I always thought Seifer hated women. Fujin said he did. I asked once. It seemed everyone but me, and I guess Rinoa, knew he was gay. You knew. But, Rinoa's not a slut! She's just flirty, playful. Yeah, I guess she does give off the air of easiness. You give me that small smile. You know what I'm thinking. It's almost like I have to tear her down to make myself feel better. I, the Old Queen of Balamb Garden, have to rip apart the New Queen of Balamb Garden, the Babel Tower who built herself so high. I could never reach the sky, teetering on a shoddy base like Rinoa. I didn't want to build myself up. I wanted to tear myself down. Especially after Squall almost spit in my face. I just wanted someone to listen to me. Maybe I should have searched for you earlier, huh?
After the Squall incident, I began to look at myself. I didn't really have to during the Neo-Sorceress War, because so much was going on. But, afterwards, I had all the time in the world to think. And, think I did. I thought about the direction of my life. What was there for me now? Even if you weren't a part of Garden at that point, I still liked seeing you. You put everything in perspective. I had to think about what I wanted. Not just for myself. But, for my love life as well. After looking at nobody but Squall for the longest time, I couldn't really look at any man that way. I didn't want to. I found I couldn't. So, I was about to give up. But, you.... Beautiful you came along. You put things in perspective.
Yeah, I was lonely. I had friends, but all those friends seemed to have someone else. I would often go for walks in Balamb, to clear my head, to think to myself, to enjoy the scenery. The Garden was in Squall's control. Was in Cid's control. I didn't really want to be a teacher anymore. It wasn't fulfilling. But, what was? Could I find anything that would warm my heart, fill me up, make me stop feeling so lonely? The sounds of the crowds of Balamb, so happy, lazy... It made me happy, warmed my heart. It was nice to be around humans, to revel in their sheer... Humanity. Especially after the horrible Neo-Sorceress War. I know Seifer suffers guilt. I know you suffer guilt. But, the world has started up again. Life goes on. The guilt is going away. The world is strong, united. I should be strong, united, too.
I don't feel so lonely when I feel the sea air blowing my hair. I still wear it the same way. I've considered changing it, but you think I look beautiful this way. Am I beautiful? I feel beautiful now. I feel beautiful because I feel loved. I actually feel like I belong now. I belong with you. You mean everything to me. I know you don't like sappiness, but I want to cry because I'm so happy with you. I remember when I first saw you again. In that pub in Balamb, that always smelled like delicious bread, hot from some oven. I still kind of think of that smell when I look at you. Like I'm looking at you now. You're laying beside me. Not saying a word. You know I like to think. Maybe that's the part of me that liked Squall. He's a thinker. I'm a thinker.
Yeah... We conversed. I said hello, to be polite. You looked happy. I know you were. At first, I thought you might not want to talk to me. Bad memories and all. But, I think you liked having a connection to your past life. Your old life, mingling with the current one you have with me. The Balamb Air smells so nice, coming through the window. I can hear the sea. It's like your whispers. I never thought you would whisper. It's the most beautiful noise ever. More intoxicating than Siren's sweet music. I remember the first thing you said to me. It made me laugh. I sat across from you, and we talked. Mostly catching up. You were going to school, outside the military lifestyle. I thought that was great. I often wondered what I could have been if I hadn't gone to the Garden. That's when you surprised me....
You said I looked lovely. Beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. I was shocked. I can't remember when anyone said that to me last time. I really can't. I had hoped once that Squall would say it. I wonder if he says it to Rinoa. I've heard her complain about his coldness. When I hear that, I can't help but smile. I would have known that Squall was cold. Despite her 'love' for him, I don't think she knows him very well. And, you know what? When you touched my hand, yours was so soft against it. I always thought you were hard. Like nails. Untouchable. But, you were warm. Soft. Gentle.
You lusted me. It was shocking to me, but also intriguing. You didn't even ask if you could kiss me. As we were leaving, you did. In the shadows of an alley. That sounds seedy, but it wasn't. It was Heaven. Angelic. My steel angel. Your lips were soft. They tasted like chocolate. Later, you would say that you'd been drinking hot cocoa. Seifer got you hooked on it. You said you marvelled that he wasn't fat. I laughed. I didn't think you would be funny. But, you were. And, you were gentle. Your lips were anything but demanding, but they were wanting, dictating. And, I kissed you back. Nobody had kissed me in a long time. Someone who actually lusted me as an equal was different than the Trepies that followed me around like a deity. I was never comfortable with that. I wasn't Hyne. I was just Quistis Trepe.
I felt your lust in your hands. I felt it when your palms skirted up my sides. You wanted me. And, I knew what you wanted to do. You wanted to fuck me, to devour me, to ravish and ravage me. You wanted to worship me. But, in a different sense than the Trepies. I was a Goddess in your eyes, but not above you. Your tongue demanded passage into my mouth, so warm, wet. Like liquid velvet. I kissed back. Shock can only be felt for so long before the body begins to react naturally. I was wanted. I was lusted. And, I wasn't fucking alone. I felt human. I felt alive. My skin was singing, my heart pounding a proud anthem. In your arms, under your hands, the world was anew, and sadness had no place. Your hands touched my breasts with precision. You knew what you were doing. I touched you back. I was a little unsure. But... I'm not Rinoa. I'm assertive. I'm doing it again. Even when I'm remembering our beautiful first encounter, I'm thinking of Rinoa in a bad light. And, you laugh. You're not helping, you know!
When you pulled away, I was angry. Why? Then, your hand reaches out. That soft, warm, commanding hand. Reaching for mine. I see the lust in your eyes. Err, eye. I'm sorry. You want me. And, I know I want you, because the only word from my lips is your name. And, my name is the only name from yours.
I don't know where you're taking me. I don't really care. It could be a hole in the wall... A rat infested dump. But, it's not. It's a nice apartment in Balamb. Your apartment. I wondered where Raijin and Seifer were. You said they didn't live with you.. Lucky for us, I guess. Lucky for you, too. I can't imagine living with them. Especially Raijin. He's a nice enough guy, but still....
You touch my body as soon as the door clicks behind you. You're almost ripping my shirt off. Even now, with us lazily laying beside each other, I can feel it. I can feel the anticipation rising, the lust, that tightness in my body. That tightness building between my legs. I don't care if this is slutty, like I accused Rinoa of being. I'm usually such a prude, that I deserve to let go. Especially when you want me so badly. Your hands are already under my shirt, touching my breasts. I can feel that your fingers are eager and frustrated against my bra. I help. I remove my shirt. There. Better. I want you to take yours off, too. You do. I'm sort of relieved that you're not wearing a bra. That fact doesn't surprise me. It adds to your hard facade.
But, a facade it is, when your hands are soft and warm, heating up with each stroke over my body. My bra is gone pretty quickly. Everything is moving pretty quickly. But, I don't care. Maybe that's best. If it goes too slow, I'll end up thinking, and maybe second guessing. And, the way you made me feel that day... God, I did not want to second guess anything. I wanted it to be as fast as a crack of my whip.
And, fast it was. My steel angel worshipped me, but didn't lavish with me. It was wonderful, but not condescendingly romantic. I didn't need rose petals and candles at that moment. I just needed to feel wanted, not like a delicate bloom. I was a beautiful bloom in your arms, but made of metal instead of bruising petals.
God... Your tongue. It worked magic. I can still feel it. Your tongue in my body, licking the inner walls of my vagina. Oh, God... When had sparks ever passed my vision? They did then. Your hands on my breasts as you ate me out. That's a crude statement for what you were doing, but it's true. I was a feast to you. And, your hands gently brushed my nipples as I panted and arched my hips, begging you for more with mere groans and moans. And, I got more. Your hands and your tongue are still burned on my body, even as we lay together now. As I think back, I can't help it. I reach across to you, touching your breasts.
The blanket is moved back, so I can suckle at them, like a baby looking for milk. I was always desperate while I mouthed your nipples. You laughed and said like a calf. That always made me laugh too, even if my mouth was full of you. It suited me. The calf. The Cowgirl. Cracking my whip and begging for mother's milk. Your hands move through my hair, and my hands play with strands of yours. Your steel hair for a steel angel.
What now? That was the first question of the afterglow. You weren't a Garden student, and my life still revolved around it. I was still the Old Queen of Balamb Garden. I was also your Queen to worship with my tongue. You saved this Queen. Crack my whip. Save the Queen. Save me. And, that you did. I'd forgotten a piece of my humanity in loneliness. My mind isn't the end all and be all of companionship. You're showing me that, even now. Even as I'm suckling and licking your hardened, carmine nipples, I'm thinking. Is this how Squall feels with Rinoa? Is he sucking her tits now, thinking about everything but her tits? Well, at least I'm thinking of you. I always think of you.
You said that you wanted me still. Just because you had me once didn't mean the want went away. You wanted me. And, I knew I still wanted you. Looking at your strong, yet still feminine body made the tightness come back. Even after one wet orgasm, I still wanted you. I wanted more orgasms. I wanted to feel the wetness trickle down my legs because I was so aroused. I wanted to lap at your wetness, taste your desire that begun because of me. Because of my beauty. The beauty I feel in your arms.
Even thought you're not in Garden now, that you're still in school, we see each other every day. I don't need to stay at Garden, and I'm allowed to bring friends here from the outside. You're not really an outsider, though. You were once internal. And, you're always internal with me. And, you're funny. You talk to me about everything, even my own worries. I worry a lot. You're patient with me. Oh, Fujin, you're so patient with me. And, I'm so happy with you that I cry. But, they're happy tears. Even though you laugh and kiss them away with your pouty mouth, I feel foolish for crying in front of you, even though you never make me feel foolish.
Yeah, you still call me cowgirl sometimes, especially when I'm fisting you. Once, I cracked you with my whip, and you moaned like a whore, calling me your Cowgirl. I don't mind. It was the only word that stuck with me, and the word you uttered when you first saw me again, in that bread smelling pub. Because you made me feel things that are so beautiful, it hurts to think about, you can always call me your Cowgirl.
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