A.N. according to my Taipei fortune 'bouncy ball is the source of all happiness', so I wrote this!
This is a mindless fluff for Atsuko, 'cause this is her favourite pairing.
Disclaimer: Don't own ff8, but hey, dreams can come true, right?
Behind Closed Doors
By Rie and Atsuko
I think it has something to do with his little 'trip' to the bar last night. But still, it's not like Zell. And what's with the sudden bar fetish? He never liked him before. At least, I don't think he did. I didn't know him well before the whole Ultimecia thing. Sometimes I still think I don't know him well.
"For Hynes sake Squall, if it's annoying you go and phone and see where he is! Just STOP PACING!!!"
I don't know why it's pissing me off so much. I guess it's just that if you're going on a mission, you should be there to go on it, right? I would expect it from Seifer, but Zell always took it seriously. Well, I suppose it's seriously for him. He's usually here before us, bouncing all over the bridge and catapulting himself off stuff. But at least then he was actually HERE. Quistis is right (when is she not?!). I'll phone.
"Zell, where are you? you were meant to be on the bridge ten minutes ago....Zell?"
"Uh.... sorry I wasn't there to kiss your ass early enough. I'll be there in five minutes to lick your boots, commander-"
That is SO not Zell.
Especially as I can hear him in the background.
"Who is it?"
"Shit! Seifer, gimmie the PHONE!"
What's Seifer doing at Zell's so early? It's, what? Seven?
"Um, yes, I'll be there right away, sir, and-"
"GIMMIE THE FUCKING PHONE!!!"
There's a crack, muffled thump, muted yell, and Zell comes on the line.
"I'm soooooooo sorry. Gimmie a sec. I'll be there, 'Kay?"
He hangs up.
Well, that was weird.
I head back to Quistis, and sure enough, Zell comes skidding into view a moment later, pulling his jacket on and trying to smooth his hair at the same time. You can tell he got dressed in a hurry because his shirt's hanging out and he hasn't gelled his hair up, something which he completes meticulously every morning, and which takes him about half an hour. He must get up at hyne-knows-when every morning to do it that way.
"Oh for goodness sake, you've got your label sticking out. And tuck your shirt in-"
"I'm okay, Quistis. I don't need to be mothered! Hyne knows Ma does enough of that...."
I don't know why Quistis is determined that none of us can look after ourselves. Zell's right, she's worse than his mother, who remains adamant that no matter how many garden hot dogs we eat, we need 'feeding up' whenever we go round. She serves the biggest meals of anyone I've ever met. I don't know how Zell stays so skinny. It must be all the bouncing around he does.
Now he's here, he's taken upon himself to make up for the lost ten minutes of noise. He doesn't shut up all the way to the Ragnork. Does the kid ever shut up? 'Well at least he talks' is what Quistis said when I voiced my opinion. I do talk. Just....... not as much. I talk to myself more. Like now. Actually, that's a very unsettling thought.
"Hellooooooooooo? Are we going to talk at all this mission?"
What did I miss?
"I said, what're we doing? Ya didn't brief us."
I am tired, sweaty and I ache all over. And that's just the good part. Why, oh why, did I join the SeeD?
"Who votes we get hot dogs?"
He's bouncing. How can he still bounce?!
"Sure. Coming, Squall?"
"I think I'll just go back to-"
"Tough, you're out voted. Lessgo!"
So I let myself be pulled along to the cafeteria, dutifully eat my hot dog and wait for a chance to escape. Okay, these people are my friends but I don't do the whole 'social' thing.
"I'm gonna go have a shower."
Zell stands up suddenly "Uh, yeah, me too. I mean, I need one. And showers are good 'cause they make you clean, and uh, I need to be, uh, clean."
He runs off.
Quistis gives me a weird look.
"What was all that about? Something I said?"
"Possibly. He's been acting weird lately....."
"Tell me about it. I mean, since when was he such a bar fly? He goes there most evenings... and he keeps finding excuses whenever I try and talk to him. And did you notice that he and Seifer manage to co-ordinate their disappearing acts?"
"Weird. But then, he was never very normal anyway....."
"Don't be mean...."
She's smiling. It kind of undermines the statement, but I guess defending him is second nature, she's been doing it so long. Zell's idea of defence is smacking someone round the jaw. Verbal retorts are NOT his thing.
"...But you do have a point. It's probably just a phase..."
"I thought you'd been through all the phases by the time you're eighteen?"
"Oh, go and have your shower!"
Why is it my hair will not act like hair? It just does it's own thing, even if that thing doesn't correspond with what I'm trying to get it to do. I have rebel hair. I could try swamping it in gel like Zell does, but can you imagine me with spiky hair? Exactly. And now I'm bored. Quistis has got a class, Selphie and Irvine will be, uh, busy, and Seifer said something about going into Balamb... Zell will have finished his shower by now, right? He'd better have.
The halls are almost empty. Most people are teaching or being taught. It's a short walk to Zell's dorm. I rap my knuckles on the door but it swings opens under my touch. Well, if you're in the shower you don't leave the door open. As I push open the door there's a crash.
Zell is sitting on his bed with a book in his hands. There's a mini landslide on the floor by his dresser. Zell isn't wearing a shirt, but that is most definitely NOT why I'm staring. Oh no. I'm staring because Zell is not alone on his bed. He is sitting half on, half off the lap of a very smug Seifer Almasy, who is leaning on Zell's pillow. Zell is the brightest shade of scarlet I have ever seen.
"Zell, what are you doing?"
It's all I can do to keep a straight face and steady voice. But then it would never do for Squall 'iceberg' Leonhart to be caught grinning like the Cheshire cat.
"Helping Seifer, uh, study."
"Zell, that book is upside down."
He's SUCH a bad liar.
Seifer snorts. "Nice one, chicken-wuss!"
He is rewarded by an elbow in the stomach by an even redder Zell. I didn't even know people could go that colour.
"Why is Seifer studying 'Black Beauty'?"
He slowly turns the book around.
"Uh, wrong one. I picked up the, uh, wrong book. I meant to pick up, ah......."
He leans over the edge of the bed and searches among the debris. Seifer snatches a book, and hands it to Zell.
"'50 Things to do with Spandex'."
"Uh, yeah! I meant to pick up '50 Things to'... No! No I didn't! That's not funny!"
He shoves the book back at Seifer with a scathing look. Seifer doubles over in silent laughter and pain from the second stomach aimed jab to hit home.
I wonder just what I stumbled in on?
I can make a pretty good guess.
"Aren't you meant to be in Balamb?"
"Came back early and decided to pay Zell here a little visit...."
He reaches over to ruffle his hair but Zell's seen this before, and catches his wrist without even looking up.
"I'll come back later."
As I shut the door behind me, I can hear Zell yelling at Seifer for his 'little prank'. I wonder if the others know? Now I can tell Quistis why they've been acting so strange and- wait a minute, no I can't. If they wanted them to know, they'd have told, right?
The blackmail possibilities are endless.
I allow myself a smile now there's no-one to see. I know I won't pull anything. Annoying as they both can be, they are my friends. Just about.
When we all meet up at dinner, Quistis asks what we've all been doing. Irvine and Selphie exchange glances but before they can open their mouths, Quistis holds up her hands.
"No, wait, let me rephrase. Every one BUT Irvine and Selphie, what have you been up to?"
I shrug. Zell turns pink and mutters something. Seifer leans back on his chair.
"Went into Balamb, then I went to see-"
Zell swiftly kicks his chair leg, sending him over backwards.
We all peer over at his legs flailing helplessly.
There is SO gonna be trouble now.
But Seifer springs up, and instead of beating him to a pulp he grabs Zell in a head lock and ruffles his hair till the gel gives way and his spikes collapse.
He makes a grab for him but he's too late. Seifer's already half way across the cafeteria. Blink and you miss it. Zell sprints after him, takes the corner at break neck speed, skids, and disappears.
Just when it was getting interesting. I expect the chase will end in one of their dorms....
"Uh, Squall, you're grinning."
Thank you, Selphie.
As if I didn't know.
"Hey look Selphie! Is that a pig I jus' saw swooping past the window?"
They both crack up.
How very amusing.
That's another two off my Christmas card list.
How come I'm not allowed to smile? Okay, most of the time I deserve this reputation, but everyone is allowed off days, right? Everyone reckons I just don't care and that it's sooooo much fun to laugh at Squall Leonhartless. Well I'm not laughing. It's like life is one big joke and I'm the only one who doesn't get it. If I'd been born someone else, like Zell, for instance, I'd be happy all the time and everyone would like me 'cause I'd be able to make them laugh and be happy as well.
But I get stuck as a me. I'll never be anyone else, and I'll have to go on being cold and uncaring for the rest of my life. Its not that I don't want to be happy and funny. Its just that if I tried Selphie would have a heart attack. It's not like I don't try, either. No-one else cares whether I'm upset or not. I was shitty all through my first year at Garden, no-one noticed.
I bet if Zell moped then everyone would try and cheer him up. They'd just leave me. How come he gets to be happy and have good friends that care and very possibly Seifer?
I think I'll go back to my room. I don't feel like eating anymore. It's weird how fast my mood can change. Weird and very very scary.
At breakfast the next day, I'm still not in the best of moods. They're also out of hot dogs so Zell's moping.
"How'm I s'posed to get through the day without my daily dose of hot-doggy goodness?"
"Zell, those things didn't even taste good. In fact, they taste more than not good. They taste like Grat-shit."
"It's okay for you, you only ever have coffee! However, some of us need good breakfasts. Of hot dogs. And how would you know what Grat-shit tastes like?"
Don't ever argue with him.
It's like banging your head on a brick wall.
Every Monday they run out of hot dogs. Every Monday we all do the same spiel. Every Tuesday Zell's the first up, waiting for the delivery of his precious hot dogs. It's a classic.
Quistis appears at the doorway holding a plastic bag and looking very flustered.
"Zell, I found these. I think they might belong to you."
She hands him the bag.
"What is it?"
He peers inside, then tips the contents onto the table.
It's a pair of black boxers. The name 'Zell Dincht' can easily be read on the tag sewn into the waistband.
He pales visibly and stuffs them back into the bag.
"Uh, Quistis, there, uh, wasn't anything else, was there?"
"As a matter of fact, yes."
She hands him a tube of something.
The rest of the colour drains from his face.
"I found them by a tree in the training area."
"Zell got laid!" Irvine whoops and punches Zell on the shoulder. "Who was she?"
Somehow I doubt 'she' is the operative word.
This has REALLY improved my day. There's nothing like seeing someone squirm at breakfast.
He mumbles something indistinct into his hand.
"Awwwwww..... c'mon, I won't tell anyone!"
Like hell you won't, cowboy.
"What's in the tube?"
Selphie makes a grab for the bag, but Zell lifts it above his head.
She stands up and snatches at it, but she's like, the only person shorter than him. He dances out of her reach and teases her with it. He doesn't notice Seifer until he backs into him and they end up on the floor.
"What's in the bag, Dincht?"
He pulls him off the floor and reaches for the bag, which has skidded under the table.
Zell says something very quietly. Seifer pales and quickly hands him the bag.
"I.... I'll be right back!"
I was right. 'she' wasn't the operative word.
As I leave I hear Selphie redirect her earlier question.
"Quistis, what was in the tube?"
Irvine whistled slowly.
"Woah. He really got laid."
You got that right.
I managed to walk in on them again. I really do choose my times, don't I?
Seifer's dorm this time.
I knocked this time. I find it really helps get rid of those little surprises.
When I opened the door Seifer was sitting on a lump on the bed.
"Hey, Squall. What can I do ya for?"
He's sitting on Zell.
"You can start by getting off him," I say coolly.
He rises slowly and Zell's face appears at the top of his duvet.
"How many hot dogs have you been eating? You weigh a ton! And did'ya havta sit on my head? I mean, it's bad enough being sat on in the first place, but- Hey Squall."
"Who else knows?" Straight to the point.
He shifts uncomfortably.
"No-one. We din' wanna tell cause- yeah."
"Want me to tell 'em?"
"No! I mean, we were gonna tell 'em but......"
I nod and turn to go. I make it to the door before he starts up again.
"Wait! You're not mad, are you? That we din' tell ya? You wouldn't tell just cause...... would ya?"
I slowly shake my head. This is so weird. I should've guessed. But my two best friends.....?
It's just weird. That's all. Just weird.
I never liked Seifer.
"You've got to tell them sometime."
He pummels the Grat until it falls dead at his feet.
"I know." He hesitates.
"How do I tell them?"
"Well...... I dunno. Just tell 'em straight out, I guess."
He sits and hugs his knees to himself, resting his chins on his hands, staring into the distance.
I sit down beside him.
What do I say now?
He solves the problem for me.
"It's so weird. We used to hate each other, but now..... its like he's not Seifer. Seifer was mean to me. I guess we both grew up a lot. We had to."
I nod. We've all had to do a lot of growing up. I guess it comes with the job. Soldiers don't survive very long unless they can be grown up.
"Now it's.... everything's changing. I dunno if I can keep up."
I don't know entirely what he's getting at.
"I just don't know who I am anymore. It's weird."
He gets up and offers his hand. I take it and he hauls me up.
I guess I underestimated him.
In fact, I think I underestimated a lot of people. I don't tend to think of anyone in terms of feelings. People are people. It's as simple as that. We all do our jobs and that's it. I didn't give a thought to how they felt, as long as they did what they're supposed to. And now I can see that that's not that at all. Zell's right. Everything is changing. Very fast. We're suddenly adult, we've suddenly got responsibilities and life's not a game anymore. Everyone needs something to help them cling on to who they are, or they'll lose their identity. I guess we just haven't found that thing yet.
At least, I haven't.
But back to the problem at hand.
"When are you going to tell them?"
"Dunno. I gotta talk to Seifer."
"Yeah. I'm sure it'll be fine."
Since when did I go around reassuring people?
"What d'you think they'll say?"
"Selphie an' Quistis'll be okay. What d'ya reckon Irvine will have to say?"
"Are you gonna talk? I hate it when you do you're dot dot dot thing. I mean, it's so unnerving. How can you go around going dot dot dot?"
"Great. Talking to you is the same as talking to myself."
"You are talking to yourself."
I can hear them. They're huddled secretively in the corner of the library, Quistis, Selphie and Irvine.
"D'ya reckon he knows?"
"Dunno. But if Irvine worked it out he probably has-"
"Will you two please be serious?! How are we supposed to know if he knows?"
"Well if he knows, then he might know we know, but he won't know that we know he knows...."
"I dunno. It just sounded appropriate...."
"What do I know?" I step out from the aisle of books.
"Squall! How long have you been back there?"
Selphie scowls at me.
"Long enough. What do you know?"
"We're not telling unless you tell what you know!"
"Uh, Selphie, honey, wouldn't it be simpler to just tell him?"
"Naw. That'd be too simple for her..."
Quistis ducks Selphie's blow.
"We'll tell you if you tell first!"
She's really not making sense today.
"Okay.... who's involved in your secret?"
"Zell and someone else." Irvine replies.
"Ah.... same here."
"Does your secret explain several mysterious happenings?"
I hate guessing games.
"Is Seifer in your secret?"
"Dammit! We have the same secret!!"
"Good! Now we can decide what to do. They don't know we know...."
"Oh god, she's doing it again!"
"Quistis, if you're gonna be a bitch, do it else where."
"They know I know."
I briefly describe my encounters.
"He sat on him? That's not an experience I'd like....."
"Yeah. Only I'm allowed to sit on Selphie."
"Will you two PLEASE be sensible!"
"Quistis, we're not in class. We're allowed to have fun."
"Selphie Tilmitt, are you implying my classes are not fun?!"
"Uh, no, I ...... err......"
"Uh, excuse me ladies, but if they're gonna tell us maybe we should just wait 'till they do and then act surprised?"
"Irvine, you know how long that could take, especially if Zell's involved."
"Yeah, well.... you think of a better plan!"
"I liked Irvines plan." Selphie chimes in. "Maybe we should take a vote....."
"All those in favour of my amazingly brilliant plan, raise your arms now."
We all raised our arms. Quistis sighed and raised hers too.
"Right, that's settled then. The next order of business is.... Lunch!"
"You're worse than Zell....."
I hate it when they go on their bar trips. They usually come back smashed and guess who gets to make sure they get back to their dorms without falling over/collapsing/doing something REALLY stupid (such as stripping (again))?
If you guessed me, you were correct.
There's a crash in the corridor, followed by manic giggling.
Talk of the devil.
As I open my door, Zell squeaks and dives under Seifer's trench coat.
I step out into the hall.
"Are you drunk?"
Seifer attempts to focus on me.
He turned to the bulge in his coat.
"Are we drunk?"
"I think we are," the bulge replied.
"Seifer, is Zell under your coat?"
"This guy doesn't miss a trick, does he?" The bulge commented.
"Zell, get out from his coat."
He pulled the thick fabric off his head and grinned.
"Go to bed, Zell."
Seifer giggled, sounding disturbingly like Selphie.
"I'll go too!"
"No, you will go back to your bed."
He pouts, turns, trips over his feet and falls over.
"That's gonna hurt in the morning!" Zell commented cheerfully.
I hate it when people are drunk. They act like little kids.
"So will this!"
He reaches out to pull Zell over too, but somehow manages to grab my ankle.
I really hate it when people are drunk.
I pick myself up off the floor, tap in the code to Zell's door, and push him inside.
"Go to bed."
"Bed? Where's my bed?"
I flick on the light and shove him toward his bed.
He flumps over backwards on it and stretches out.
I wait a moment, then shut his door.
Now for the other one, who is trying to open the wrong door.
I brush his hands away and lead him to the door of his dorm.
He finds his bed in the dark and sits down, completely missing it. He sighs and lies down on the floor, so I leave him there.
They are gonna have SUCH bad hangovers in the morning.
As predicted, Zell stumbles into breakfast looking like shit.
"I need some coffee.......... thanks."
I'd told the others about their little trip, and Quistis, ever practical, had bought two black coffees in preperation.
"Heeeeeeeeey! Who's got a hangover then?" Selphie squeaks
Zell looks pained.
"Please... don't shout."
"Opps! Sorry! Guess you really do have a hangover!"
"Please... someone gag her."
Irvine slaps a hand over her mouth and pulls her onto his lap.
"S'okay. I got 'er."
Seifer sits down next to me and puts his head down on the table.
"Nice to see you too."
Quistis shoves him his coffee.
"I see we had a busy night then?"
"Oh no, we stayed in and watched Bambi. Of course we had a busy night! Why do you think we look like shit?!"
"Sorry mate, stupid question."
"You got that right."
"Have you learned nothing, Irvine? Never anger Seifer when us he has a hangover."
"Thank you, Quistis."
"You're welcome. Now drink your coffee, it's getting cold."
Where would we be without her?
How long can a hangover last?
It's four o'clock and they're STILL closeted up. So lucky me, I'm stuck with Selphie and Irvine until Quistis finishes teaching her class.
"Guess what!! It says for Zell's stars 'you'll feel a lot better for getting it off your chest'.... hey, maybe we should leave this where he can see it....!"
Irvine reaches over and took the magazine.
"Selphie, this is a girls magazine. I sincerely doubt that Zell would read it if we left it out for him. Seifer, on other hand...."
He hands it back.
"Oh, I don't know. I caught him reading the problem pages once......"
See what I've had to put up with?
"Ugh! Why can't they hurry up and tell us?! This is driving me nuts!!"
"Selphie, it's been two days."
"It's all right for you! They know you know!"
What did I do to deserve this?
"What is it with you and the 'they know we know he knows that-'"
"For gods sake Irvine, don't you start."
He pulls an innocent face. I scowl.
"Yes, I thought so too."
"Ok, testosterone wars over. Wanna hear your stars? Good."
She scanned the page and then grinned.
"Hey! Squall, listen to yours! ' you just can't help feeling a bit left out, and wishing-"
I grabbed for the magazine. She holds it up and keeps reading.
"Wishing that you were someone else. However, try and keep your jealousy in check! My my Squall! We are a jealous boy!"
"Let me see that!"
I snatch the magazine.
"Yeah, well it's better than Irvines! 'if things seem a bit slow, try livening it up by trying something new. You'll both be surprised!"
"Nah, reckon we've done all the kinky stuff ever invented!"
Selphie slaps the back of his head and giggles. He has that effect on people.
"Hey, isn't it time for Quistis class to finish?"
"What? No, not for another ten-"
"We'd better go meet her."
"But we've still got-"
"I SAID we'd BETTER go MEET her."
Anything for a bit of intelligent conversation.
We were walking down the corridor when we saw Zell. For someone with a hangover, he looked extremely bouncy.
"Zelllllllll! I thought you were mank?"
"I got better."
"Back in our-HIS- back in his room, I think. I went to get us some drinks."
"We'll come too!!"
Boy did he perk up fast. I wonder what brought on the sudden change?
Quistis found us talking in the cafeteria, shortly after Seifer appeared to enquire where the bloody hell his coffee was.
"Here you are, I've been looking for you lot. I thought you were meeting me from my class?"
"Oh shit, yes we were, weren't we?"
"Sorry, Quistis, I kinda kept them talking."
"S'okay, Zell. Well, I'm glad I caught you all together-"
"I'm just getting to that, Selphie. Cid wants us to go on a mission together, tomorrow morning. We're taking some of the junior class men on a training exercise or something. I haven't got the details yet."
"Hooray! I haven't been on a mission in ages-"
"I thought you went last week, remember? When Squall fell over in the mud?"
"Oh yeah! That was so cool. And he went 'ah bollocks' 'cause he was wearing his new leather pants!"
"Hey! I am actually here you know!"
"Oops! Sorry! But you must admit, it was funny."
"No, it was not."
"Well, it was 'fer us, mate!"
That's the third time Selphie's told that story, and each time it gets less and less funny. Or that may just be because I'm the punch line.
I knocked again. Fine, if he wasn't going to wake up with that, I better try something else.
I hammered on the door.
Okay, not exactly original, but I was running short of ideas.
Plus it seemed to work. A sleepy voice swore at me from inside.
I smiled and unlocked the door, opened it and slipped inside, closing it behind me.
"Zell? I thought I'd come wake you. We don't want a repeat performance of last time."
"Urgh, is it time already? 'Kay, we're getting up. Do you mind?"
I dutifully turned away while Zell groped for his clothes.
"S'okay, I'm decent."
I turned back. A very sleepy Zell was standing behind me wearing a black robe and holding a bundle of clothes and rubbing his eyes. Seifer was sitting up in the bed. Zell shoved him the bundle of clothes.
"Thanks for waking us up."
"S'okay. I'll see you on the bridge in a few minutes."
I was halfway out the door when he spoke again.
"We're gonna tell 'em today."
I conveyed Zells news to the others while we waited for them on the bridge.
Our charges were already where ever it was we were going. We were all set to go join them in the Ragnork. All we needed to do was collect Seifer and Zell and go.
We were all very quiet as we climbed aboard the Ragnork. Unnaturally so. Even Selphie was silent. Were all waiting.
Selphie squirmed impatiently in her seat.
All eyes were on Zell and Seifer, the silence expectant.
Seifer stood up and pulled Zell up with him.
"We've got something to tell you."
He nudged Zell.
"Me'n'Seifer are couple."
"At last! We thought you were never going to tell us!!"
"What? We did wait ages!"
"Oh yeah. Worked it out ages ago."
"You.... you knew? AND YOU NEVER SAID A WORD!?!?!?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SLEEP I LOST WORRYING ABOUT HOW TO TELL YOU?!?!?!?!?!?"
"Zell...calm down....we told them....it's all ok now...."
"I WASTED ALL THAT TIME AND EFFORT FOR NOTHING?!!?!"
"I'll take him outside... before he hurts someone...."
Seifer hauled a fuming Zell out of the room.
"They never said a WORD! I bet they knew for AGES and-"
Zell was suddenly silenced. I leaned backwards to look out of the glass pane in the door.
They were kissing.
Well, it certainly shut him up, and now at least we won't get my-final-heavened. And now we don't have to pretend anymore. But... I don't know. It was kinda fun while it lasted.
"We'll be there in five minutes! Get all your stuff together!" Selphie yelled from the front of the ship.
"Squall, go and see where those two are." Quistis commanded, still trying to wrestle her bagel off Irvine, who had managed to eat half, protesting that he'd had to get up so early he had missed breakfast.
I headed out from the scenes of chaos that seem to follow us wherever we go, and out to find Seifer and Zell.
When I found them, they were standing on the deck watching the ship cut through the waves. Seifer had his arm slung lazily around Zell, who was leaning against the tall blonde, the picture of contentment.
I didn't like to disturb them. They looked so happy. They could have been made for each other. So I left them watching the approaching shoreline and went to try and work out how it was that everyone but me managed to find someone to love apart from me.
All together now... *aaahhhhh*. Well, whadya think? Oh, and for any Rinoa fans, I don't like her so in this she's dead/kidnapped/abducted by aliens. I'll let you choose. Please tell me in the reviews you WILL be writing....
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