Disclaimer: None of these people belong to me! I am making no money off of this!
By Lady Feylene
Snape walked stiffly into the large classroom, his fists baled at his sides. He did not want to be there. At all. The Gryffindor's and Slytherin's were gathered together, all looking up with various expressions as Snape took his seat behind the desk. Some looked amused, some interested, and some horrified.
"You all know why you are here." He began, his black eyes cold and unreadable as he stared out in front of them. "I am here because I failed to call out the correct side of a coin yet *again*. I want to lecture you about as much as you want to listen to me, so let's get this over with as quickly as possible. First things first: this is s a lecture, not a discussion, please lower your hand Mr. Longbottom. I am however....required to permit a question and answer session afterwards. For your own sakes, let's hope I cover everything in the lecture." He folded his hands, preparing himself. Why was it nearly every year *he* had to give the fifth year double house sex ed class? Professor Sprout was taking care of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs this year, but Flitwick had done it last year. Minerva McGonagall hadn't had to teach a sex ed lecture in years....
"If you are anything like normal teenagers, you're already fornicating like rabbits. You may as well do it safely and properly. First things first: For god's sake, if you're going to do it make sure you do it with someone you care for. If you don't, you will regret it, and that can destroy your entire sexual future, and cause you to have performance anxiety. If you are a man, you will be pitied by your peers, made fun of by your rivals, and laughed at by your partners. If you are a woman, it is perfectly normal.
"You all must know the rudiments of sexual intercourse by this point. It's as simple as assembling a portable cauldron. Thrust tab A into slot B and repeat as necessary. But there is more to sex then the intercourse. There is of course foreplay, which is mainly erotic stimulation to prepare for the main event. Foreplay is a necessity in male/female intercourse. Foreplay stimulates the arousal of both the male and female. Arousal on both parts is the ideal situation. Men must be aroused to function properly, and women must be aroused for comfortable and pleasant copulation. Women are self lubricating.
"There are three forms of stimulation. Manual, oral, and sexual. For best results, perform in that order. If you have an intelligence level higher then a House-Elf, you can try combining two of them for better results. I don't think I need to go into detail there. There are deviant forms of stimulation, if you really want to know about them go buy yourself a copy of the Wizards Karma Sutra. Or find a teacher willing to sign you a note to retrieve it from the restricted section of the library. No I will not, so don't even ask. If you are mentally healthy and stable, normal foreplay and stimulation will be all you need. If not...I can't help you. There are of course 'normal' deviations which serve to make for a happy and mildly experimental sex life. We will be discussing those later.
"I have gone over the basics of male/female sex. Now we head into the uncharted territory of same sex intercourse. Oh, do be quiet. Mr. Malfoy stop snickering, Miss Patil stop giggling. There is nothing dirty, wrong, or immoral about two people of the same gender engaging in sexual activities. Again I emphasize the emotional aspect of sexual activity. Love is not limited to gender, race, creed, or anything else. Neither is sex. We will begin this stage of the lecture with lesbian intercourse. Mr. Malfoy, I believe I asked you to be quiet? Thank you.
"Women are of course limited to only manual and oral stimulation, but apparently they have come up with all sorts of substitutes for the third. I personally know nothing about it, nor do I have any wish to. There is little need for women to use any sort of protection, as they certainly cannot get each other pregnant and it is far more difficult for bodily fluids to be transferred. In fact, the only time that there is an exchanging of bodily fluids-the dangerous kind, I mean-is during oral stimulation.
"Men are not as limited. All three forms of stimulation can be used. But sexual intercourse is more complicated. Men are *not* self lubricating. In the least. Therefore an outside lubricant is needed. These can be purchased-or if you've a hand at potions- made. I would ask you all to stop smirking and tittering like that. If I may continue? Primary sexual intercourse-of any kind-is painful. But especially for men, as that is *not* what *that* was made for. Would someone kindly explain to Mr. Longbottom what I'm talking about, because I can tell by his face he has no idea. Ah, thank you Mr. Weasley, yes I can tell by his stricken expression he understands completely. Or as completely as he is able. As I was saying: plenty of lubricant must be used, as well as caution. Remember: during sex, you are not trying to pound herbs. Rough, quick thrusts are not recommended. Precautions are.
"Precautions. There are various forms. Charms, potions, items-both wizard made and muggle-incantations...as long as humans have been sentient, there have been preventatives. The most common is a condom. They are rubber sheaths that fit over the male reproductive organ to contain fluid. They come in various sizes, widths, colors and even flavors. Put your hand *down* Miss Parkinson, this is a *lecture*. They come in flavors because they are recommended for oral sex. There are also female condoms, but I don't pretend to understand how those work. I believe they are something like regular condoms, only backwards. All muggle preventatives have drawbacks. Women have the birth control pill, but that does not prevent diseases. Diaphragms-another female thing-often times do not stop all fluids. Muggle condoms can break. Most charms and all potions prevent only pregnancy. Unbreakables are your best bet, as they are just that.
"For the final part of the lecture, I will be discussing those various forms of mildly experimental sex. After a while, two people begin to get bored with the same routine. Light bondage, role-playing, introducing new positions...all of these are accepted forms of deviant pleasure. Bondage is the consensual tying up or strapping down of your partner. I stress consensual. Role-playing is exactly what it sounds like. And no, not the dice rolling type. There are various sexual positions, from the standard missionary to something known only as the Mind Blower. Again, for details please look to the Wizards Karma Sutra. Another healthy way of spicing up your sex life is a threesome. This can be a fun and healthy experience for everyone involved. And of course lingerie, erotic massages, and edible body paint are all interesting extras you can experiment with.
"Now...does anyone have any questions? Do not be embarrassed, if you are wondering about it then statistically speaking so are at least three of your classmates." Snape paused. This was the part he hated. A strait lecture he could handle, he'd done it enough times that it didn't phase him. But some of the questions the students came up with...well, he'd not been stumped or flustered in seven years, and he was not about to start.
"Yes, Mr. Malfoy?"
"You didn't go over sex with animals. I think Longbottom..."
"Mr. Malfoy, if anyone in this room wishes to practice bestiality, that is their concern and not mine. Or yours. Besides, I think the mechanics would be rather obvious." Snape sighed. He wasn't going to get off easy this year, either. "Miss Granger?"
"Aren't there charms and potions to cure...um...performance anxiety?"
"Oh. Yes there are." For the first time in years a relevant question. "For men at least. Muggles have a little blue pill they call Viagra, but it has some nasty side affects. There is a simple erection charm that I am not going to teach you. If you really need it, go find it for yourself. Mr. Finnigan?"
"Is masturbation healthy?"
"In moderation. Necessary if you are not receiving stimulation from an outside source. You're father is a muggle, correct? Ah. Then let me assure you that you will not go blind, nor will it turn black and fall off. Miss Patil?"
"Uh...is there anyway to, you know...um...well, Lavender and I were wondering..."
"Miss Brown, it appears you will have to finish, since your friend has gone crimson and apparently started to choke?"
"Well...we were wondering...if you can...stop it from hurting?"
"I am going to assume you mean 'you' generally and are not addressing me specifically. There are numbing charms, but that blocks out all sensation. If you are that concerned, you can take care of it yourself." Snape sighed at the blank looks he was receiving from Pavarti and Lavender. "Perform a numbing charm and take care of it yourself. Manually." No realization dawned. He closed his eyes and counted to three. "Numb yourself and breech your own hymen, either with your fingers or a manual aid."
"Precisely. Mr. Weasley? You look as though you have something to add. I'm sure I can answer whatever it is your whispering to Mr. Potter."
"No, please share it with the class. As I said, if you are wondering at least three of your classmates are as well. Unless you and Mr. Potter were discussing something of a...private matter?" Snape raised his eyebrow, grinning cruelly as Ron turned an even deeper shade of red. He mumbled something into his desk, and Snape sighed.
"Please speak up Mr. Weasley, I didn't quite catch that."
Ron was a flaming scarlet now, and he rose and walked up to Snape's desk, whispering to him. Snape nodded, and steepled his fingers.
"Mr. Weasley here was just wondering if size does in fact matter." Snape grinned wider at Ron's strangled expression. "You may sit down now, Mr. Weasley. And be happy to know that it does not. Size has nothing to do with it whatsoever. Well, perhaps I should rephrase that. Lack of size is not a problem. Abundance of size, however, is. For anyone suffering from that unfortunate condition, I will reemphasize lubricant. Miss Granger again."
"What about other beings?"
"Other...? Oh." Snap hadn't understood the question. "The only other beings a human can comfortably copulate with are the undead and lycanthropes. Vampires and werewolves, Mr. Potter. Though I would not advise sexual intercourse with a vampire. During the act they are known to lose control and bite, without even realizing they are doing it. They have little self control when stimulated. On the other hand, lycanthropes are known for their stamina and resilience. Their sexual drive is linked with their cycle, and grows as their time approaches. They become nearly insatiable. If you really want a wild night of passion, sleep with a werewolf a night or two before he changes. I can assure you, you will not find a more passionate, unrestrained or able lover." Snape paused, looking at the students faces. Some were horror stricken, some disgusted, and a few were smirking knowingly. Only Neville looked as confused as he had the entire class. Realization of what he had just said dawned on Snape, and he felt his mouth tighten and his temple throb.
"Ahem. Are there any more questions?" He asked, fighting to keep control of his voice. "Relevant questions, Mr. Malfoy. I see. Then you are dismissed. I hope you all learned something today. Useful. That you can put to use." There was no saving it. The damage had been done. "Oh, just get out!" He snapped, waving his hand at the door. "And ten points from Gryffindor, I heard that Mr. Weasley!" As the class filed out, whispering to one another, Snape clenched his teeth together tightly. "Watch your mouth, Mr. Malfoy. Five more points from Gryffindor, Miss Patil."
Then they were gone, and Snape was alone in his classroom, vowing to himself that this was the last year he would *ever* teach that god forsaken class!
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