Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: The takes place after Voldemort's final downfall. The song referenced is from the musical "Blondel", by Steven Oliver and Tim Rice. I have doubts that anyone reading this has ever heard of it; I have changed some of the words to fit the story. I am using the song entirely without permission.
"I'm about to embark on a quest. Would you like to come with me?" Severus Snape, potions master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was leaning against the door post of the room. Sirius Black nearly jumped out of his skin, scattering the Exploding Snap cards all over the table. Remus Lupin, who had seen Snape approach on silent cat feet, grinned.
"You startled me half to death, Snape." Black growled.
"Only half?" One perfect eyebrow went up; the left. "I must be out of practice."
"What sort of quest?" Lupin asked, cutting across whatever retort Black was about to make, and calmly gathered the cards into a neat stack.
"A very simple one," Snape replied. "Years ago, I promised myself that I would live long enough to piss on Voldemort's grave. I have fulfilled part of that vow, since I am still alive, but I haven't fulfilled the rest of it."
"Isn't that a little childish?" Black asked peevishly. His expression turned even more sour when both Snape and Lupin burst into laughter.
"Yes, a little," Snape admitted as soon as he could speak. "Would you like to come with me?"
"Of course I would," Black said immediately. "That is worth the price of spending time with you."
"I don't know..." Lupin hesitated.
"Moony, are you a Marauder or are you not?" Black demanded. "Snape, much to my surprise, has come up with a perfect piece of mischief and you're hesitating?"
"No, I want to come along, but..."
"Out with it, Lupin," Snape demanded.
"Well, in order to piss on his grave, we will have to drink quite a bit," Lupin said thoughtfully. "After all, it wouldn't be fitting if we didn't give the occasion the effort it deserves."
"Beer," Black pronounced. "We need beer."
The keg of beer was easily obtained from the Leaky Cauldron, once Lupin explained to Rosmerta that he was planning a celebration. She laughed and handed over a full keg of her finest brew. It was a matter of seconds to shrink it so it fit comfortably in his pocket.
Snape had been dispatched to find mugs and Black to locate the exact coordinates of the Dark Lord's grave. Since Tom Riddle, alias Lord Voldemort, was part Muggle, he had been buried in a Muggle graveyard near a small town in south-eastern England. This, they felt, necessitated wearing Muggle clothes.
Lupin had the keg, and Snape the mugs, when Black showed up, with two young men in tow. Ron Weasley and Harry Potter.
"Black..." Snape frowned.
"Oh, give it a rest, Snape. They were just as much a part of the final battle as we were," Black scoffed. "Let them come along. They want to do this as much as we do."
"Why not include Granger as well?" Snape asked.
"I'm not letting Hermione get drunk with a bunch of guys and then see them, er...," Weasley replied, starting out belligerently and ending on a rather weak note.
"I'll tell her you said that," Potter replied. "She'll be thrilled to know she needs your permission."
"Which means you won't be getting any for weeks, Ron," Black added, with a grin.
"Ron's right." Lupin stepped in, ever the peacemaker. "This isn't appropriate for girls."
"Then let's go," Snape replied. Black took Potter by the shoulders and Apparated, Lupin took Ron and Snape Apparated by himself.
They found themselves in an old graveyard, the crescent moon providing just enough light to see a little, but not enough to keep them from tripping over each other. The wisps of fog didn't help, either.
"Oh, for God's sake." Snape's voice could be heard easily over the singing of crickets. "Lumos."
With the help of his wand's illuminated tip, they wandered through the graveyard until they found the newly dug grave. The stone was very plain, with only 'TOM RIDDLE' and the dates written on it.
"He would have hated that," Snape remarked, sitting down on the stone with a remarkable lack of reverence for the dead. "The ministry didn't even put his middle name on it."
"That would have cost extra," Lupin replied, sitting down beside him and pulling out the keg. With a tap of his wand, the keg grew, sitting on the grave itself. "Does anyone know how to open one of these?"
"It needs to be on a table or something," Black observed. He levitated it to a nearby plinth, the grave of somebody or other who died a century ago. "You don't mind, Leon, do you? We'll share with you," he said to the grave. With great ceremony, he opened the stopcock and let a small stream of beer fall onto the man's grave.
Harry and Ron were looking at each other, a little wide eyed. It was a little disconcerting to see three grown men behave this way.
"So what do we do now?" Harry asked timidly.
"We proceed to get thoroughly pissed," Snape replied. "Black, if you will do the honours?"
Black filled the mugs and handed them around. They solemnly clinked the mugs together and drank.
"So who's going to go first?" Ron asked suddenly. He was well on his way to being quite drunk. "Do we just whizz as we feel like it or is there some sort of ceremony involved?"
"I've never seen the need for a ceremony when I have to take a piss," Lupin replied, finishing off his mug and holding it our for more. Black, who was sitting comfortably cross legged on Leon's grave, refilled it and handed it back.
Ron was sitting on the plinth beside the keg and Harry was leaning on his godfather. Both of them went to rise, but Snape beat them to it. Standing up, with a hand on Lupin shoulder to keep him steady, waved his mug in the boy's direction.
"No, no. Ron's right. We need a ceremony." He took a deep breath and began to sing.
"Before we begin, a pause for reflection - A master of magic has bitten the dust. Though he and I had the odd disagreement, His power was mighty, his breed upper crust. So let us not dismiss this man as if We're dealing with an ordinary stiff."
While Ron and Harry looked confused, Black and Lupin snickered.
"He was vile as they come." Snape continued, then looked at Black.
"A barbarous bum." Black chimed in.
"His character dumb and drab," Lupin continued.
"There'll be dancing in the streets when people hear he's on the slab," Snape finished.
"He was vicious and mean." Black took up the song.
"Loved being obscene."
"Unpleasant, unclean and crude."
"He could make a strong man shudder by the way he consumed his food," Lupin added.
"How can words do justice to a man a saint would love to harm?"
"With no beginning to his talent, with no glimmering of charm."
"He had the most revolting breath."
"This is a most important death," the three men sang together.
"It's the end of the span of a swine of a man," Snape continued.
"Who'd murder his gran for gain."
"He made a major contribution to our understanding of pain."
"He needed his guards."
"He cheated at cards."
"And ditto regards his wife."
"The world is now a better place."
"He had no single saving grace."
"He never joined the human race."
"He was disgusting, forever lusting. No one was safe with him around..." The three warbled on, then the song petered off to nothingness. By this time, Ron and Harry were laughing, partly at the song and partly at the sight of the three older men now standing with their arms around each other, singing drunkenly.
"The rest of the song doesn't work," Black mourned.
"Then I guess the ceremonial part is over," Lupin commented.
"Right," Snape said as briskly as he could while trying to stand up straight without leaning on Lupin. "On your feet, boys. Let's do Hogwarts proud."
Ron and Harry stumbled to their feet and braced themselves. More or less at the same time, all five of them undid their trousers and took out their penises. Soon, a long stream of urine was being aimed at Tom Riddle's grave, to the accompaniment of long, relieved sighs of men with very full bladders.
"Right, then." A crisp voice interrupted them and Ron turned at the sound, accidentally spraying Harry's shoes. "What's all this?"
"Brilliant. Just brilliant," Black muttered. "Too drunk to apparate, so we get to spend a night in gaol. As soon as I sober up, I'm going to rip your lungs out, Snape."
"Stop whinging, Black," Snape replied. "You went along with it, so you have no cause to complain. Besides, Albus will be here soon to bail us out. A memory charm to the constable and we're off the hook."
"Harry, that was a good thing you did," Lupin murmured sleepily, snuggling closer to Snape, with his head pillowed comfortably on Snape's lap.
"Having Hedwig along was a good idea, Harry," Black allowed, then glared at his best friend and worst enemy. "Oh, for God's sake. Would you two stop it for just five minutes?"
"Bugger off, Black." Snape resumed petting Lupin's hair, not seeming to notice that Harry's eyes were bugging out again. Ron would have reacted even more strongly, had he not been passed out on the bunk in the holding cell.
"Sirius?" Harry practically whimpered, looking at his godfather.
"Don't ask me." Black rolled his eyes. "They've been carrying on like that for ages."
"Remind me next time I transform to bite you on the arse, Sirius," Lupin put in, without opening his eyes.
"You not biting anybody on the arse, Remus," Snape told him.
"Not in wolf form. I won't have you cast aspersions on my potion making abilities by biting someone."
"But it's okay if I'm not in wolf form?"
"Not if it's Black."
"Well, if you're going to be that way about it, Severus," Lupin replied, pettishly. "I'll keep the arse biting just between us, then. Happy?"
"Way too much information, Moony," Black retorted swiftly, looking disgusted. "You're making Harry sick."
"No, he's not," Harry put in. "I think it's the beer." He belched.
"Well, you're making me sick," Black argued. "Honestly, your taste..."
"Well, I'm not the one who slept with Lucinda Avery," Lupin retorted. Black reddened.
"That was a long time ago. Madam Pomfrey took care of the rash easily enough."
"Who's Lucinda Avery?" Harry looked puzzled.
"Lucinda slept with three quarters of our class when we were in sixth year," Snape replied. "She was the means of transmission of every sexually transmitted disease going."
"She was in your house, Snape. Did you ever do it with her?"
"No, but Lucius Malfoy did. Narcissa nearly killed him for it, too."
"She give him the gift that keeps on giving?" Lupin asked.
"No, Narcissa caught him in the act. And a very kinky act, too, as I recall. I've never been able to look at the Quidditch pitch the same way again," Snape said reminiscently.
"But she forgave him, didn't she?" Harry asked. "After all, they did get married."
"Yes, they did and, no, she didn't," Snape replied. "I wonder if he finds Azkaban anywhere near as cold as Narcissa's bed."
Harry listened, fascinated, as the men continued to reminisce. They were all still more than half drunk and were not guarding their tongues. Snape, in particular, knew all of the old scandals, and Black was a born storyteller. He almost wished Hermione had come with them; this was stuff that had never made it into 'Hogwarts: A History.' Being stuck in the drunk tank was not as bad as all that, after all.
"Gentlemen, I would like an explanation." Dumbledore frowned over his half-moon glasses, and looked quite stern. The five of them were now more or less sober, and beginning to feel the effects of a night's hard drinking. "Who's idea was this?"
"Mine." Snape raised a hand.
"You are a teacher in one of the finest wizarding schools in the world; a respectable educator and a powerful wizard in your own right," Dumbledore scolded. "Imagine my surprise when a student's owl arrives, informing me the five of you are in a Muggle holding cell for being drunk and disorderly and for desecrating a graveyard. Do you call this responsible behaviour, befitting your age and position?"
"No." Snape bit his lip and looked at the floor. Lupin, still half asleep, stepped back and Black eased his way toward the door.
"Not so fast, you two." Dumbledore nailed them with a glare. "I would have thought that your Marauder days of irresponsibility and foolishness were long behind you. Sirius, do you honestly think that you are setting a good example for your godson? And Remus, I doubt your behaviour tonight will improve the reputation of werewolves in our society."
Both of them also looked at the floor. Ron and Harry glanced at each other, waiting for Dumbledore to scold them as well.
"Boys..." Dumbledore sighed deeply. "Never mind. I don't know what to say to you. I have tried and tried to instill certain values and look what happens. Selfish, irresponsible..."
"Albus, I apologize," Snape said, softly.
"As well you should."
"I should have thought to invite you."
"Damned right you should have," Dumbledore agreed wistfully. "Alas, the moment is gone and I've missed a golden opportunity. At least tell me this: was it worth it?"
"It was very satisfying."
"Worth every moment."
"Good, good." Dumbledore nodded. "Now get out of here. It's disgraceful to let the boys be up so late."
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