My Mother Told Me Life Was Like A Box Of Weevils
By Kissaki and Libertine
"Mr. Aspen, is it?"
"Yes. Please come in."
"I've heard a great deal about your - ah - product..."
"You can be candid with me, sir. Candid - and brief. What do you want, and how much of it?"
"I - I was hoping I could test."
"You don't get anything for free in this world, sir. I can assure you, however, that these products are guaranteed to work. And if you find, in any way, that they fall below your expectations, you know where I can be contacted."
"I suppose so. Look - okay, I'll be brief. I think my wife is having an affair with another man. And I - well, I'm not as young as I used to be. I just want to be a bit more, um, virile, I suppose you'd call it. And make sure she's more interested in me. Sexually, if you know what I -"
"I can do that."
"Oh - well, that's wonderf-"
"Indeed. Now, where are they - ah, here. One bottle for you, and one bottle for her. Very simple to administer, instructions are on the pack. Satisfaction is guaranteed. At least, the simulation of satisfaction is. And who knows the difference, in these unenlightened times?"
"Thank you. No, really - thank you. But, er. This isn't the Dark Arts, is it? I mean -"
"You're buying these drugs on the Black Market, aren't you."
"Oh - oh dear."
"Trust me, sir. Your wife will love you for it. And of course, should you experience any legal difficulties, if found in possession of these drugs, I do have some associates who would be quite willing to assist you with any court related business - here's their card."
"N. & L. Malfoy and Co. You know, I think I've heard of them. Don't they have a son who used to be a page 3 model for the Witches Weekly?"
"And he was, you know, doing it with Harry Potter.."
"Didn't everyone want to kill them both at one point for revealing themselves to a village of Muggles? Gosh. I wonder what happened to all that."
"It probably got lost in a continuity black hole."
"Can I offer you a quill to sign your cheque, sir?"
"Oh.. oh. Do you take Wizacard?"
"Indeed, sir. Indeed we do."
Return to Archive | next | prequel