Author's Notes: Thanks to all the usual suspects (libertine, kissaki, krissy, lunarennui, Miss Breed, Rube, and to Audrey, without whom this ending would not exist. Thanks to and to all reviewers, who's comments are cherished.
Chapter Seventeen - Correspondence
By Ivy Blossom
I woke up this afternoon in the hospital. I can't write, I have to use this damn quick quotes quill, I hate it. It reminds me of Rita Skeeter. I wish I had woken up next to you instead. I feel just awful, my arms and legs hurt very much. I don't blame you for that, I understand why you did it. Come soon, I need to see you. Ron told me about what happened, and I read the papers. I know I was wrong. I'm so sorry. Please, come soon.
I didn't see you yesterday at all, did you come? They won't tell me, they just say that lots of people have been in. I'm sleeping most of the time. Wake me when you're here, won't you? I need to see you so much it hurts.
p.s. Did I say how sorry I am? Please forgive me.
Dumbledore tells me that you're very busy, that the press hound you daily and are
keeping you from me. I don't believe him, of course. I know you're angry with me. You and
your stubborn temper.
I wish that I
Okay, I know I did the wrong thing. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I
misunderstood. Look at it from my point of view, for god's sake, I didn't know that I
fucked it all up at the time. I didn't know what you were trying to do. I didn't know that
your mother was forcing your hand.
How was I supposed to know? I didn't
know. I should have guessed. I should have known better. But I didn't. I just didn't. I'm
used to leaping in, it's a Gryffindor trait, jump in first, ask questions later. I know, I
know. You should have left me at home. You should have just killed me and been done with
it. I feel awful.
Please. Come see me. Forgive me. Please.
I miss you terribly. I see that you are not willing to forgive me yet. That's okay. You have every right to be angry, and I can live with that. But I can't live without seeing you. Come here and yell at me. Come here and shout and stamp your feet and spit at me if you have to. Come here and refuse to speak to me at all, just come here. Please!
You didn't believe those things your mother said about me, did you? She was right when she said that I saw lots of things. I did. I was horrified, but not the way she said. Draco, I feel so guilty. I feel so guilty for wanting you the way I do. You're so much more than that to me, you know that, right? I feel guilty because people have abused you so horribly, treated you with so little respect, and then I come along and keep trying to jump you. I feel like an idiot. You must think well, I can't imagine. I hope you understand. I hope you know that I never meant to treat you like that. I lust for you, I want you, I love the way you touch me but I love you, too. I love you so much I feel like it's a part of me. I wish there were more that I could give you.
I knew there were things in your past, I didn't expect it would be so
so brutal. I
should have guessed. Oh, Draco, I'm so sorry I saw it. I'm sorry I saw it when I know you
didn't want me to. It changes nothing, nothing in me, at least. I love you, Draco, what
other people have done to you is meaningless. It's horrible, it's sad, and I wish you
could have told me, but it does nothing to change the way I feel about you. You do
understand that, right? I hope I've never
made you feel
the way those Death
Ea oh god Draco. I just hope I don't force you back into memories that
can't even write about it. I need to see you. I need to hold you. Please.
I saw things about your mother, too. Did you know she nearly drowned when she was small? Her parents loved her very much. Voldemort and I are a lot alike, and that scares me. Is that why you stay away from me? Please. Please come see me. I have so much to talk about and I want to talk about it with you. I don't think anyone else will understand, not after all this. Do you understand how I need you? Do you hate that? Please. Tell me.
All my heart,
I read the papers yesterday, I held them with my own hands for a change too. This
healing process is going very very slowly, I'm not sure when I can even go home. The
headlines are good: DRACO MALFOY: HERO! They're so wrong about so many things, and yet so
right about this at the same time. You are a hero, and we'd have a lot more to celebrate
if it weren't for me. I can't tell you how sorry I am. You look good in the pictures,
though you seem tired and annoyed with the press. That seems about right. Part of me
thought you might enjoy the
attention since, after all, you always hated how much
of that I used to get! but it doesn't look at though you are. Surprise surprise.
It's not all fun, is it. I guess this is particularly bad, since it's so hollow. I'm sorry
I stole that from you too. Maybe that's why you're so mad at me. I cut out all the
pictures and I look at them when I'm alone. Even your picture self scowls at me. You look
much happier when Ron is looking at the pictures. I miss you. God, I miss you so much. I
dream about you all the time.
Last night I dreamed that you were here, sitting in this chair next to my bed, and I just talked for a long time. You didn't say anything, you just sat there and listened. I covered everything. It took hours, in the dream. I have to lie still here, but in the dream I could walk around. I paced a lot, you just looked at me, walking back and forth. I looked in your eyes when I said the really, really tough bits. I love to look in your eyes. They're not just gray, you know, there's a little bit of all kinds of colours in there. Green, blue, brown, all of it. You have multi-coloured eyes. You're a marvel, but I already knew that. Anyway, in the dream I kept talking and talking and talking. And when I was finished you nodded and hugged me and everything was okay again. It felt so good, to have your arms around me. You have no idea how much I miss that. I don't know what I said in the dream, I wish I did. I'd write it all out now and send it and hope to see you walking into my room. I still watch for you. You know I never see you. Why? Can you at least just tell me that much? I know I fucked up. I know I ruined everything. Please, come here and let me apologize properly? Please. I need you.
p.s. I sent this once, and Hegwig brought it back. Are you refusing my letters? I'm sending it again just in case she got lost.
I can't believe you. You fucking asshole, how dare you. Break up with me via Ron? Are you insane? I can't believe this. I can't believe YOU. After all this, after all that I forgave YOU for, you're going to pull something like this? Don't you even respect me enough to at least tell me YOURSELF? Or are you really so SCARED of a guy who can't even GET OUT OF BED? Jesus, Draco. I can't believe this. After all that. Fuck you, Draco.
Okay. I was a little angry when I sent the last letter. Hedwig nipped me hard for that. I'm sorry I got out of control there. I understand, you want this to be over. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm really, really sorry to hear it. I don't understand. I'll never understand. Ron tells me you left some things behind in our flat. From the sounds of it, it was everything I ever gave you. Do you really want to forget me? Do you want to forget all of it? I hope you took those other pictures at least, they're yours, I told you they were. I want you to have them.
I hope we can still be friends. You mean a great deal to me, and you always will.
p.s. I know you need time to get over this, but I hope I can owl you from time to time. I still feel this need to talk to you, there are things only you will understand. I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but I'm doing my best here.
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