Author's Notes: Yue always starts off speaking, and he’ll end the chapters as well. Since this whole story is about Yue trying to find himself and his reasons for being here, these opening and closing monologues are a good way to raise questions and sum up what happened in the chapter.
I completely made up the relationship between Yue and Yukito. I do, however, think it’s plausible. As the Sakura Card Arc progresses, we can see a softening in Yue’s demeanor, as well as Yukito becoming a little less adorably innocent and perpetually happy.
Shadows of the Moon
I hope that everything will go back to how it was before the Judgement, when I could sleep, dream, barely aware of Yukito as everyday he awoke, attended school, spent time with all the ones who care for him, ending a normal day in contented slumber. But things can never be quite that way again, although it may seem to. I have been jolted into full awareness and I see Yukito’s life as he lives it.
It also means that I can no longer hide from what I fear, what I want and the questions that have plagued me ever since Clow died.
Since I am awake and fully conscious at the back of Yukito’s mind, always watching, any unconscious feeling and desire I feel will appear in my false form. And every time it happens, it again causes to question my very identity.
I no longer know who I really am. Created as the detached Judge Yue, but I have spent years nearly asleep, dreaming Yukito’s life. I had taken other forms before, but never so completely.
These other ones never truly existed as themselves, for it was my mind behind the face playing the puppeteer. These other forms had never allowed me to forget the pain after Clow’s death, and it was to try to escape that pain that I created, with pain-staking care, Tsukishiro Yukito. A person I never was, and someone I fantasised myself to be, if I was human. A person who would not be lonely, who could be loved, a person who could feel and display his emotions without fear.
We all have our dreams.
Sometimes I dream of what would happen if I could truly become Yukito. I wish I could. Then maybe I wouldn’t be lonely anymore.
Until that day, if and when it ever comes, I will know of Yukito’s emotions without really experiencing for myself, as if I watch my fantasy from out in the audience.
Yukito smiled as he gazed out his bedroom window at the beginning of yet another beautiful day. Then again, all days were beautiful to him; cloudy days, rainy days, hot summer days, he could find something to admire in all of them. There was a bright side to every situation, there was good in everyone.
His grandparents were away, as they often were, but Yukito didn’t mind. He wanted them to enjoy themselves, and he was well able to take care of himself. Oh, there had been that strange day when he had kept fainting and blacking out – but his friends had been there to help him and he hadn’t had any spells since then.
In his characteristic good humor, Yukito readied himself for school, ate the usual large breakfast, checked the house and left. He smiled as he strolled to the usual corner. One of the best parts of the day was coming up.
The trees lining the meeting place were full with their flowers. Looking up, the sun peeking through and onto his face, Yukito closed his eyes as a light breeze swept through, catching the looser cherry-blossoms and sweeping them along.
It was lovely.
Why do I enjoy this, some part of him asked in wonderment.
Because it is beautiful, Yukito immediately replied.
Chirr . . . chirr . . . chirr . . .
Sound of wheels on pavement. Yukito looked down the path. A welcome pair was coming quickly towards him, the muffled sound of bickering barely audible over the skates and bike. A familiar voice called his name, the name only one person used and Yukito smiled again.
"Yukito-san!" exclaimed Sakura, blushing in her usual way as she cruised to an abrupt stop in front of him, clasping her hands in front of her face. The girl was adorably cute in her school uniform, auburn hair framing her face and two large green eyes peered shyly up into his own hazel ones.
"Good morning, Sakura-chan," greeted Yukito warmly. Then the rider of the bike braked to a controlled halt and his smile softened.
There could be no greater contrast to Yukito than his best friend. Touya was tall with dark hair just falling into his blue eyes as opposed to Yukito’s more effeminate and pale features. Personality wise, they were just as different, one more reserved and silent, the other open and friendly.
For some reason, Yukito had a flashed image of another person, superimposed over Touya’s image. A man, tall and darkly handsome like his friend, but older and with an aura of overwhelming power. There were feelings that accompanied the image – sadness, confusion but also a feeling of frustration, as if someone was close, yet far away.
Yukito blinked, but the sensation passed as if it had never happened.
"Yuki? What’s up?"
"Nothing. I’m fine."
Touya gave his friend one of his rare smiles and wordlessly offered his help, as was the ritual, and Yukito climbed on the bike’s back pillion seat for the daily ride to school, Sakura skating alongside. Holding lightly to his friend’s waist, he kept up a light conversation. Now and again he would say something that would cause Sakura to blush adorably, and he would smile at her – which caused her to turn even redder.
She was so cute. He wished he had a little sister like her.
Sometimes Touya would add his own input – usually in the form of some brotherly insult to his sister. Yukito laughed, pretending not to see the glares the girl sent to her older sibling as they made their way to school.
I find school interesting. It is a chance to learn new things every day, not just the facts and theories that the teacher up the front raises, but also a chance for me to learn about people. There is a wealth of personalities to observe; relationships and interactions that are endlessly fascinating.
A trio of girls chatter and giggle over by the window, waving to a fourth that enters the class. In the middle of the, a large group of boys loll over the chairs and sit on the tables, their voices loud and rough behavior good natured. Topics of discussion range from the banal to the in-depth, though most at the moment seems to be the homework the teacher is expected to dose out today like bad medicine. Over in the far corner a young couple sits, making use of a little private time before the class begins, attentions are focused wholly on each other.
Normal people living normal lives. Everything that makes up what it is to be human.
Perhaps I can learn.
Yukito took his place at the desk to Touya’s right, putting his rather large bag of food away. He grinned at the look his friend gave.
"I wonder how you can eat so much and still stay as thin as a stick," joked Touya as the stragglers filed into the room to their respective desks.
"It tastes good," replied Yukito with a smile. Then he looked up as the teacher entered the classroom, leaving the door open behind him.
"Stand. Bow. Sit."
In accordance to the class representative’s commands, the class greeted the teacher. The man nodded to them all then coughed before speaking.
"Today I’d like to introduce a new transfer student into our class," said the teacher. He looked towards the door and gestured for the person outside to come in.
Yukito – and the entire class looked at the newcomer. A girl, pretty with long, strawberry blond, almost pinkish hair entered and gave the room a big smile. Though not exceedingly tall, there was the hint of strength with her well-built arms and legs. She looked around the room and her smile seemed to grow wider as her eyes fell on Touya. When her gaze moved to Yukito, her grin seemed to become ever so slightly sly.
"I’m Akizuki Nakuru!" she said brightly. "Nice to meet you all!"
The teacher nodded and pointed to an empty desk to Touya’s left. "You can sit next to Kinomoto-san there."
Akizuki’s smile never faded as she crossed the distance from the front of the room to the desk. She sat down, pinkish hair falling about her shoulders and turned her grin onto Touya.
"You’re Kinomoto-san?" she said to him.
Touya looked at her sideways. "Yeah, I’m Kinomoto Touya. This is my best friend, Tsukishiro Yukito," he said, gesturing to the young man to his right.
Yukito smiled. "Hello."
Akizuki didn’t seem to hear him. "Do you like sports, Touya-kun?" she asked.
Touya frowned at the use of his name, but didn’t correct her on it. "I play soccer," he replied warily.
"Ooh, can I watch you sometime?" begged Akizuki, tugging on Touya’s sleeve. Yukito watched, not coming to his friend’s rescue though there was no way he could have missed the agitated expression of Touya’s face.
Yukito is too nice sometimes. If I could, I would step between them without hesitation and tell the girl quite firmly that she shouldn’t behave like that. As it is, all I can do is watch with displeasure.
There is that feeling of not-quite anger again. What is it that Mizuki-sensei called it?
It’s more intense now, and I can’t help myself, though I do my best to hide it, burying it before it grows strong enough to reflect itself in Yukito’s behavior. Angrily I remind myself – again – that I should not feel these things.
"Has Sakura-chan been sleeping well?" Yukito asked.
With an expression of relief, Touya turned towards Yukito, trying to disengage the girl from his arm. "She’s better now, though she still -"
"Who’s Sakura-chan?" interrupted Akizuki.
"Touya-kun’s little sister," replied Yukito good-naturedly.
"You have a little sister?" asked Akizuki. Suddenly her eyes seemed intent for a moment then she was back to her starry-eyed self. "Is she cute?"
Yukito smiled. "Yes," he said, not seeing Touya’s gestures to get him to be quiet.
"She’s very cute and very kind," continued Yukito, "like To-ya."
Touya gave Yukito a startled look but his attention was broken as Akizuki looked at him with stars in her eyes. "Ooooh, then she must be a very nice girl if she is like Touya-kun." And she clung onto his arm like a limpet.
Yukito smiled as Touya looked faintly betrayed. For the briefest of seconds, Yukito’s eyes flashed an amethyst purple before returning to their usual hazel.
Annoyance isn’t so powerful an emotion as jealousy, which is perhaps why Yukito didn’t seem to mind Akizuki’s constant presence near Touya, even though I do. She followed him everywhere, barely paying Yukito the slightest attention, pestering Touya with questions and hanging onto him. Touya gave Yukito many pleading looks that day for salvation, most of which weren’t understood.
I understand though, and sometimes my irritation with Akizuki and Yukito is enough to make Yukito take action. It didn’t happen enough for Touya’s liking.
But there is still something not ‘right’ about the girl, something that tells me that she isn’t ‘normal.’ Even to address Akizuki as ‘she’ doesn’t feel right. I sense Akizuki is not what she seems to be – like me.
I wonder if Akizuki knows this, or like Yukito, is unaware of her true nature.
By lunchtime it seemed that Touya had had enough of his persistent shadow. In the two seconds it took for Akizuki to bend over and retie a wayward shoelace, he had grabbed Yukito’s hand and started to bolt.
"Eh, To-ya, why are we running?" asked Yukito as he followed behind. His fingers were enclosed in his larger hand almost in their entirety, with no possible means of escape.
"I haven’t had a single moment alone with you the entire day," growled Touya. It was evident where he was going, his and Yukito’s usual lunch place under the tree beside the fence that separated Seijou from Sakura’s school. "And I do not want her to sit with us for lunch."
"You can’t blame Akizuki," said Yukito as Touya pulled him round a corner. "This is her first day after all."
Is the word ‘annoyance’ not part of Yukito’s vocabulary? I really wonder just how alike we are.
"But I understand if you want to be alone for a while."
Touya slowed as he approached the tree then sat down, pulling Yukito down with him. "Not completely by myself," he corrected. "I’d like you to stay."
Yukito’s hand for some reason was still in his. It trembled like a small bird. Yukito just smiled as if the holding of hands was perfectly natural.
Smooth skin on skin, near pale white fingers in darker tan as if Touya held moonlight in his hand.
His hand is warm with the pulse of life beating rapidly through it. Physical sensations. I can feel them, immediate and now rather than through another. Then I feel emotions like I have never felt them before – peace, contentment, love – oh yes love, that is the major part of it. And I sense that I – Yukito – am also experiencing new feelings of sadness, loneliness, jealousy.
The line between me and me blurs.
With extreme force of will I pull my mind away from Yukito’s, trying withstand a siren’s song of oneness. Oneness isn’t supposed to happen. I breathe a sigh of relief as we are once again, tentatively separate.
There is also regret . . .
"Ne, To-ya, I need to eat my lunch," said Yukito.
Touya looked down at him, then realised he still had his friend’s hand in his. "Oh. Sorry." He dropped the hand like he had profaned a sacred object. Yukito almost shyly drew it back to himself then raised it to get his sandwich, oblivious to Touya’s confused gaze. He took a bite of his large meal, silver hair blowing slightly in the breeze that blew a few leaves around his head.
I had nearly lost my hold on myself. In front of To-ya too. Do I have so little self-control? To lose control is to lose one’s self and I do not want that. I nearly lost myself in Yukito – or did he nearly lose himself in me?
Touya was still staring at me. What does he see? What is he thinking?
What does he feel?
"Touya-kun!" shouted a voice from behind the tree.
Yukito jumped, dropping his lunch. Touya tried to jump but was held down by Akizuki as she draped her arms around his neck. Yukito looked at her through his glasses with mild surprise.
"Hello, Akizuki-san," he said good-naturedly.
The long-haired girl ignored him. "Where have you been?" she demanded, still holding onto Touya.
Touya spluttered, but perhaps seeing the pleasant expression on Yukito’s face kept a grip on his temper. "Can you please get off?" he said through gritted teeth. "You’re hurting me."
Yukito was reaching out to loosen the girl’s grip before he realised what he was doing. Akizuki released Touya and slid into the small space in between the two friends. She turned her back on Yukito who stared at her back covered in long strawberry-blond hair without comprehending. Then a hollow feeling opened up within him.
I think this is the first time Yukito really feels what it is to hurt.
Akizuki babbled on to Touya not noticing that the young man wasn’t paying her the slightest attention but instead kept looking over her shoulder at his friend.
Yukito wasn’t particularly good at hiding his emotions. It showed up on his delicate face for all to see. Any sunny conversation he intended to begin died away like leaves in autumn. He retrieved his sandwich from where it had fallen back into its paper wrapper and resumed eating silently.
" . . . and I like running too cause I’m really fast and I think I’ll go buy a drink can I get you one Touya-kun?" finished Akizuki, looking at Touya with starry eyes.
Touya nodded absently. With a squeal of delight Akizuki leapt up and ran off. She was as fast as she claimed and had disappeared in the time it took for Touya to move closer to Yukito. More leaves blew down between them. Neither noticed.
"You okay, Yuki?" asked Touya.
Yukito looked up, his charming smile again shining as he looked into Touya’s face. "Of course!" he said. "She really likes you."
Touya rolled his blue eyes as a particularly strong breeze blew a shower of leaves off the stark branches above. "Don’t tell me that," he sighed, moving back to lean against the tree, hands behind his head.
A leaf had fallen down and had gotten caught in Yukito’s silvery hair. Touya glanced at it, then reached out to brush it away.
I force myself to stay in control. As it is, I still close my eyes and smile.
When school finished the two friends somehow managed to avoid Akizuki as they left the school. There was no conversation – words weren’t really needed as Touya and Yukito made their way home.
There was a familiar group gathered at the street corner across the street from an ice-cream store. Tomoyo was easy to recognise with her long sable hair and equally familiar was the stiff pose of Li Syaoran beside her. Yukito sensed Touya tense slightly at the sight of the boy.
Before he could do anything though, a third figure ran up to them holding three popsicles. Sakura’s tousled hair blew in the wind and the seemed to skip as she approached the other children, her back towards her brother and his friend. Before Yukito could say anything, Touya grinned and stealthily crept up behind her. Without warning, his arm flashed and grabbed one of the popsicles.
"Ho-e?" exclaimed Sakura in confusion. She spun around and glared at her elder brother. "Onii-chan!" she said indignantly.
"You shouldn’t do that, To-ya," said Yukito as he caught up with the other.
At the sound of Yukito’s voice, Sakura and Li spun around. Tomoyo smiled.
Touya grinned and took a bite of the popsicle, then held it out to his friend. "You want some?" he offered. Yukito smiled but declined.
"Hello," greeted Tomoyo.
"Yukito-san?!" exclaimed the other two simultaneously. In perfect synchronisation, they blushed.
I had forgotten that Clow’s distant nephew also has feelings for Yukito. Even though he now knows that this attraction is due to the power of the moon, he still blushes. It’s a rather endearing characteristic in these children.
Li’s blush however fades almost immediately when his eyes turned to Sakura’s older brother. Touya doesn’t like him, and the feeling is mutual. The two of them immediately engaged in a glaring contest so intense I could almost see sparks flying between them. That type of naked emotion makes itself visible to those with the power to see.
Touya’s dislike originates from the fact that Li was bullying Sakura on his very first day at her school. Li’s dislike I think stems from the fact that he becomes jealous whenever he sees Touya with me. There was one time I see in Yukito’s memories when Li threw a sprit ward onto Touya’s hand when he saw Touya and Yukito together by the tree where we had lunch.
Now that I think about it, it is probably the type of action I would have taken when I saw Mizuki-sensei with Touya, or Akizuki latching onto Touya’s arm.
Yukito is too naïve to feel jealousy, so it is an entirely new emotion to me. Is that what jealousy is? To see a loved one with another who is not you?
"Would you like me to buy you another one, Sakura-chan?" asked Yukito.
Sakura blushed even redder if that was possible. "I-i-i-it’s okay!" she stammered. She handed the two remaining popsicles to Tomoyo and Li, drawing the other boy away from her brother.
Touya gave a very long and ragged sigh. "I’m tired," he said to no one in particular.
"What’s wrong?" asked Sakura, looking at him concerned, an expression that Yukito shared.
"A new transfer student joined our class," explained Touya, raising his hand to his eyes.
"Mine too," said Sakura. "But why would a transfer student make you tired?"
Before Touya could answer, an all-too-familiar figure appeared out of nowhere, pinkish hair streaming out behind her.
"Touya-kun!" shouted Akizuki. She latched onto Touya by his neck. He had a dismayed look on his face. "I finally found you!"
Yukito and the children stared at the girl in surprise. They stared in startlement, watching the girl and Touya’s fruitless attempts to free himself.
Suddenly Akizuki caught Yukito’s gaze. When neither Yukito nor Touya made an effort to dislodge her, she smiled at Yukito slyly. Yukito looked at her, not understanding.
His eyes darkened to a shade of purple.
I am not going to do anything rash. I refuse to let this . . . this person get under my skin.
Akizuki smiles even wider. Then she turns to the three children and her eyes focus onto the Card Captor. I tense, in case this person, this being intended any harm to my Master.
"Hey, are you Touya-kun’s little sister?" asks Akizuki. Amazingly she lets go of Touya, who rubs his neck.
Sakura looks up at the other girl without fear, only questioning. "I’m Kinomoto Sakura."
"I’m Akizuki Nakuru!" replies Akizuki cheerfully. Then she leans over and took Sakura’s chin in her hand, staring into the Card Captor’s green eyes intently. I draw in just a hint of power, ready for anything that might happen.
Nothing does. "I thought so," the violet-eyed girl says with a tiny smile. "You’re cute." Suddenly she straightens and snatches the popsicle out of Touya’s hand much to his irritated surprise, then scampers off. A few meters up the street she stops and waves. "Until tomorrow, Touya-kun!" she calls.
With one last mysterious smile at Yukito, she runs away. Inwardly, I seethe. But I refuse to lose control.
Everyone stared after the rapidly disappearing form of Akizuki.
"The popsicle . . ." said Li.
"She stole it and made Touya-kun angry," observed Tomoyo.
Touya didn’t look very angry. He stared at Yukito with a serious gaze.
Yukito looked up. "Hmm?" he asked questioningly.
Touya dropped his gaze. "Nothing," he replied in a voice that said it was anything but nothing.
There is another reason why To-ya is like Clow Reed. It is almost impossible to tell what he is really thinking.
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