Author's Notes: We start at an end. Sakura has just passed Yue’s Judgement and Kaho is leaving to go to England. I thought this would be a good place to begin the story, because this is a story about Yue, and although ‘it is finished’, for Yue, things have just begun.
Yue’s point of view is related in present tense, whereas Yukito’s is done in usual past tense. It helps emphasise the fact that these two are separate personalities and minds. Yue’s parts of the story are really just a series of monologues on what he thinks and his comments on what his other self is doing. Remember that Yue doesn’t really live physically in the world (yet), whereas Yukito does, which is why Yukito’s point of view is written like a normal story. The advantage of this switching to-and-fro is that I can jump rather choppily from scene to scene by simply inserting a Yue line of thought.
Kaho speaking to Yue. I needed to insert the ‘questions’ that are going to be paramount in this story, and Yue wasn’t going to think of them. The biggest driving factors for Yue is the past with Clow, and what lies ahead of him in his life with Touya and Sakura. The only way I could get this across was by using a character that would know both sides (Clow and Touya) and yet not hang around to interfere. So Kaho was the only choice.
Shadows of the Moon
"It is finished."
"The end of the trial. I, Judgement Maker Yue, recognise you, Sakura, as the new Master of the Clow Cards."
It is finished. I have a new Master. She is so unlike Clow; she is young, still a child, and she has not come into her full power. But, perhaps, the greatest difference . . .
She wants to be my friend.
Much as I loved Clow, he didn’t care for me in the same way. He was my Master, my creator. His affection for me was as a parent to a child, but even so his mind was on the greater plan, not the individuals. And so he left me, abandoned me if you will, telling me find another one to call Master. I did not want a replacement for Clow. I wished that I could sleep forever in the book and forget the hurt.
But no. I was released into the world and could not sleep. I was created for a purpose, to Judge. Even then, Clow took the decision out of my hands. The next Master was already chosen according to his plan.
I have done all that I can.
What do I do now?
In my introspection the Card Captor has collapsed in front of me. With a pang of guilt, I realise that my duty is not over. My Master is still a young girl-child, and in need of the Guardians’ protection.
But despite appearances, Sakura is strong. Before I can go to her aid, she awakes. Standing up, the Clow Cards fly to their new Master. However, even as this last proof of her authority is made evident, I feel a tremor pass through my body.
"Sakura." She looks up at me. "Even though you are the new Master, you are not yet strong enough to maintain Kerberos and I."
She looks alarmed. "Don’t worry," says the golden lion standing beside her, wings folded. "We’ll stick around in our temporary forms. But when you get into trouble, we’ll release the seal and return to our true forms. We’ll look after you."
Even as Kerberos speaks, I can feel the transformation taking place all on its own. I cannot stay as Yue. The glowing golden seal of the Clow shimmers into existence under my feet. White wings falling, long hair disappearing, eyes fading. My clothes shift into a simple blazer and school uniform. I seem to exist in two places at once – or is it one place?
I slip into the back of Yukito’s mind.
Yukito blinked back the haze of disorientation as a fuzzy blur resolved itself into Sakura Kinomoto. Where was he? It looked like the Tsukimine Shrine but . . .
"What am I doing here?" he asked. Sakura was taken aback at this, but then seemed to listen intently to the little toy on her shoulder. Yukito was in no condition to take notice of it. He rubbed his eyes – they felt like they were weighed down with sand.
Replacing his glasses, he looked around and that only served to confuse him further. Yukito was standing on shaky legs in the Tsukimine Shrine with a worried Sakura in front of him. The girl was dressed in a rather fantastic sun-and-moon dress – Yukito wondered if she and Li were on their way to a fancy dress party. Or maybe they and Tomoyo were just making another home movie – the sable-haired girl had her camera in hand. Yes, that was it, a home movie and they were using the shrine and Mizuki-sensei was helping them! But then, what was he doing there? Had he offered to help and forgotten?
Yukito shook his head, trying to remember. It wasn’t like him to forget such things. He felt the first stirrings of panic as he realised the last hour or so was a complete blank.
What had happened?
If only he wasn’t so tired . . .
The world swam in front of his eyes and his long legs collapsed beneath him. He vaguely noticed Sakura leaning towards him with a worried look. His limbs wouldn’t obey his commands to prevent him from falling over and Sakura wasn’t strong enough to catch him . . . Yukito braced himself for a hard greeting with the floor of the shrine.
It never came. Yukito sank into a pair of arms that came out of nowhere and held him closely, lowering him gently to the ground. However they did not release him right away, but rather, cradled him protectively. Yukito looked up into a pair of deep blue eyes filled with worry.
"To . . . To-ya?"
Yukito didn’t think his friend heard him. The ever-present darkness enveloped him before the name left his lips.
Have you ever wondered what happens when you sleep? Though there is complete darkness and the body cannot move, the consciousness wanders. When Yukito sleeps, it allows me to think without his emotions clouding my mind. And at the moment I need to think without distraction. I have problems I cannot find answers to.
I am aware of Yukito’s feelings – indeed in sometimes they are so intense I cannot tell if they are his or mine. There is his affection for Sakura, the Card Captor, as if she was his own sister and the care he displays towards her friends Tomoyo and Li Syaoran. But most of all, what I – no Yukito, feels for Touya goes far, far beyond one would expect a friend to harbor to another.
This emotion is disturbing. I had felt it once and all it did was leave me open to a pain that would not begin to heal until I took this form, which allows me, for a little while, to forget. But what is even more disturbing is the question of who really feels this love – Yue, or Yukito.
It cannot be my feelings. I am not supposed to feel these things. I was created to be the most impartial of Judges, to be detached from emotions and all the baggage that comes with them. I will not let myself to feel these things.
The last time I let myself be untrue to my nature, Clow died, leaving me alone. And the pain from his loss is something I do not wish to feel again.
Deep within myself however, I know that I want to feel these emotions, to be more than just a Card, a creation. What scares me the most, is that this unconscious desire is manifesting itself in my false form. Though Yukito is a complete person in himself, at some level he is myself, the embodiment of everything I want to be.
Surely this isn’t true! I laugh derisively at my flight of fancy without humor.
It is but a theory, I try to reassure myself. I am meant to look at the facts, and judge for myself what the truth is. And there is no proof that Yukito is my unconscious self, as I am his unconscious self.
But even as I told myself this, I know there is proof. Much as I try to deny it, I do at some level of my being that I refuse to acknowledge, feel something more for the brother of the Card Captor. He is so much like Clow – tall, dark, powerful in his own way. But unlike Clow, Touya is far, far more caring.
Though I have tried to tell myself that I feel nothing, I cannot help it. And my desires show themselves in Yukito. Yukito loves Touya for his own reasons, of course, but ultimately, the initial attraction has come from me.
This scares me. Am I not being true to what Clow made me to be? He is my Master –
- but not any more. Sakura is the new Mistress of the Clow Cards and Clow is dead. My loyalties should now be to her. And she has told me to be her friend.
Do I like Sakura? Do I want to be friends with her? Yukito already loves her – but he isn’t me. And even though Sakura is my Master, she isn’t Clow Reed. He fell ill and died, never to return.
I should stop searching for him. I have my duty to fulfil now, to protect the new Master of the Cards.
Do I have any other reason to exist apart from duty?
Yukito easily lifted the suitcase and carried it over to the taxi, handing it over to Touya who grimaced.
"You don’t have to help," grumbled the other boy as he placed the suitcase inside the boot. "You shouldn’t exert yourself."
"I’m okay," replied Yukito. He smiled, and kept the expression until Touya grudgingly gave in with a reluctant smile of his own. How like To-ya to be so worried over the ones he cared about. Though why he didn’t like the boy Syaoran he wasn’t sure. The boy wasn’t bad, and Yukito was sure that the little struggle he had had with Sakura when he first arrived was all a misunderstanding.
Yukito always tried to see the best in people.
A little distance away from them, Mizuki-sensei was speaking quietly with the three children. It seemed to be quite an interesting conversation, if the expressions of the children were anything to go by. Sakura was a pretty blush pink, though it was nothing compared to Li’s beet-root red face. Only Tomoyo seemed anything resembling calm, but then again, he had never seen the sable-haired girl ruffled. Yukito turned in search of any more bags to load, and finding none, walked over to the group as Touya called out behind him that he was finished. In response, the beautiful red-haired teacher hurried over.
She was such a nice person, thought Yukito, as Mizuki-sensei gave him a smile.
Sakura was staring at him strangely. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even notice when he bent over to ask her what was wrong. He good-naturedly let the matter go and returned his thoughts to the mystery that had been plaguing him for the last two days.
"But why did I suddenly faint like that at the Tsukimine Shrine?" he wondered aloud.
For some reason Sakura was looking very uncomfortable. Not just her, but the boy Li as well. Even the usually calm Tomoyo had a faint blush on her cheeks. Yukito scratched his head as Sakura almost too hastily introduced a topic of conversation.
"I wonder if you can send flowers by mail," began Sakura.
"Eh? Why’s that?" replied Li, just a little too loudly.
"So I can send Mizuki sensei some of her favorite flowers . . ."
"Mm!" said Yukito. "That’s a great idea!"
"You’d have to send them by express . . ." said Tomoyo.
Yukito let his attention drift slightly. He was feeling much better now, after that afternoon at the Shrine. But he had never suffered from such things before and the fact that he had for no apparent reason collapsed disturbed him. What was more worrying was that he couldn’t remember a single thing from after that fiery blast. Had he fainted twice that day? And he hadn’t been in the Shrine when he fainted – so how had he ended up there? And Sakura hadn’t been wearing a costume when he last remembered either.
So many things that didn’t fit. It unsettled him.
"But how long would it take to send flowers to England?"
Yukito looked back over his shoulder. Behind him, he saw Mizuki-sensei take Touya’s arm and bring him to a more private place for a conversation they obviously did not want others to overhear. Every now and then they would look up, sometimes at Sakura, once at Yukito but more often than not they looked at each other. Yukito watched them with an unfamiliar feeling – sad? disappointed? wistful?
He knew that there was some history between his best friend and the beautiful substitute teacher, before he had met Touya. They had separated when Mizuki-sensei had left, but now she had returned, if only for a little while and it looked like at one stage that maybe they were to start again anew.
He should be happy for his friend, Yukito sighed. But still . . .
With a friendly slap on the back, Mizuki-sensei turned away from Touya and waved towards them. By now she was ready to leave, and so the children and Yukito joined Touya in saying their farewells. Best wishes and promises to keep in touch all around, then Touya led the children away. Yukito turned to follow, but was halted when Mizuki-sensei took his arm.
"Eh?" Yukito asked curiously.
Mizuki-sensei looked at him directly, as if into the furthest reaches of his mind.
Yukito’s hazel eyes went blank as his mind slept.
What’s this? Kaho-san is speaking directly to me, and not Yukito?
"You should not be jealous, Judgement Maker," she says. Her words seem to penetrate past Yukito’s awareness. My false form’s face is blank, as he does not hear her. But I hear her. I remembered her saying that she had a little power, and this is perhaps why she can go past my false self and talk directly to me.
"I care for Touya-kun, yes, but not in the way you think," Kaho continues, though I am unable to reply. "And I am not the one he truly loves. As for you, perhaps you should think about what Clow Reed wanted for you, and why he left you."
She turns around and looks over my shoulder. I sense that Sakura is approaching. Mizuki-sensei waves her hand slightly, and the moment passes before I can ask what she means.
Yukito blinked and rubbed his forehead.
"What happened?" he asked. He wavered slightly where he stood, legs suddenly unsteady as if his muscles had been tensed and suddenly relaxed. There was someone behind him, and Yukito realised that Sakura had come up right beside him without him noticing. But Sakura usually walked quite heavily . . .
Mizuki-sensei smiled and reached out a hand to steady him. "You haven’t fully recovered from your fainting spell. I advise that you get a lot of rest."
"I’ll take care of Yukito-san!" chirped Sakura.
Yukito smiled at her, then at Mizuki-sensei. "I think I shall take your advice. I hope we shall see you again soon," he said, extending his hand.
Mizuki-sensei smiled and shook it. Yukito smiled as she climbed into the taxi, turned and walked back to Touya and the others as Kaho Mizuki was driven away, long red hair blowing about her face and the children calling farewell.
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