Chapter 25 - Wutai or how much we hate Yuffie Dedicating this chapter to the game's best enemy, the Adamantaimai who generously donates us the BEST Enemy Skill, the Death Force, good to piss off master Tonbery, aka the critter with the star in the northern crater when he tries to knife you, she gives adaman bangles which are rather cool and personally, I first tried the Omnislash on one... So therefore, please, applause Adamantaimai! Audience: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Adamantaimai: Sigh... (very tiredly...) And now on to the story. Wutai my friends is an island of mysticism and materia. It is a beautiful place full of good monsters for practice, full of many cool items but first things first. Our friends lead the tiny Bronco through the sea to the coasts of Wutai and find that they have to take long and winding roads, over bridges that shake below their feet... Jun: Ughl! I'm afraid of heights! Kaz: Here (picks her up in his arms) Jun: Honey! (surprised but happy all the same) Vincent: Such act of chivalry... Mel (with anime tears in her anime-ish wide eyes): Life is just not fair! Cid: Ya want me to carry ya? Mileena looks doubtfully as Cid offers his back: Hop on, miss! Mel: Well... (thinks) Xiaoyu: I want a horsey ride! Hey Red, will you take me? Red: Rrrrrr... Mel: On second thought, never mind, take Yuffie. Xiaoyu: WEEEEEEE! (runs and jumps onto Cid's proposed back!) Cid: (ack!) Easy there little one! Xiaoyu: Goody!! Red: (to Mileena) What's with all that kindness all of a sudden? Mel: I DON'T KNOW! Must be the PMS! CS: Oh dear, spare it, will you! Mel: You men NEVER understand us women! You have NO idea what we're going through! CS: I never said I'm a man! Red: ? Vincent: But... I always thought... CS: I've been hiding this for so long! I can't be secret about my sexuality any longer! Jun: You're a woman? Cid: Ugliest woman I've ever seen! Kaz: Guys, I'm a little lost around here, which way do we go? Red: Just follow the bridges... Don't blame our hero... Wutai is confusing to walk on and let's not forget that the leader of our team is unaware of the maps of this place, which were all along with the script he never read... Jun: Let me find the way for you! I always were a path finder! Mel: Eugh! Xiaoyu: Um, why don't you just follow me? I'm from this place, remember? Vincent: I think she has a point... Xiaoyu: Sure do! Hey-ho mr horsey! Cid: Don't spur me! Kaz: Hey, there are enemies here! Great enemies my dear friends, that will piss you off, aka put you in fury and thus help raise your level... the worst I dare say are the spaz voice weeds but if my memory doesn't deceive me, these are the ones that put you in fury... so love them, will ya! And while we're still on the coast... Mel: Hey Jun! Here's a huge turtle for you! Jun: Oh my! It's the~ Everyone: Adamantaimai! (spotlights fall on Adamantaimai and a wild applause receives her...) Adamantaimai: Iuwwww... Yuffie: I'll steal from her! CS: And I will manipulate her! Kaz: And I'll... (looks at an angry Jun) I'll lead her to a secure area where she can lay her eggs... Jun: ^_^ Xiaoyu: Got the adaman bangle... Mel: Gorgeous! Next we get is MINE! CS: Got the Death Force... Kaz: (getting my wife out of this) Say Jun, come see what I found... Jun: What? Red: Ready Mel? Mel: It's Mileena! Red: Whatever (attacks Adamantaimai) Mileena attacks Adamantaimai Adamantaimai: Ieuwww... (falls) Taratata ta-ta-Ta-taTAAAAAA!! Audience applauses Adamantaimai's excellent performance... Jun: What did you want to show me honey? Kaz: Hmm? Err... Haha! (scratches his head anime-style with a matching huge smile) It's gone! Jun: Hmm? Kaz: Eheheh, yea! ^_^ I'll show you some other time! Cid: I'm telling you, I and Vincent don't get enough exposure! Red: That's because you're new and we haven't got to know you well enough yet. Vincent: I don't mind... I don't want to draw attention on me... Cid: Yea but... even Cait Sith gets more attention than I! CS: And what's wrong with that?!? A lot but let me remind you this is a parody... and I'm just a narrator of the mishaps I witness... CS: I object! Why must it be a parody for me to get some spotlight! Kaz: Because... a spotlight isn't enough... mhmfmf... Cid: A FLOODlight maybe... Kaz + Cid: RAHAAAAAAAAHahahahaaaa! CS: Horrible, horrible dweebs! (starts chasing them) Kaz: Easy there, you'll get a stroke! Cid: Gah, gwah, gwah! (smoking does have effects when you run...) Xiaoyu: Weeeeee! Me play too! Fatball, lardball! Jun: Stop it all of you! Honey! Behave! Vincent: Such disgrace to see the Count and his minnions do the dance of the crazy mongoose in broad daylight! Mel: Well close your eyes, loverboy! Running and laughing they go, finally reaching a field where Yuffie seems anxious and everyone wonders... Xiaoyu: Well I guess... we've come to the right place... Kaz: Hmmm? (what the hell does she mean?) When... Shinra guy 1: Hello! Kaz: Well if it isn't a happy surprise! Shinra guy 2: And it gets better! We brought a friend! Shinra guy 3: Err... hi :) Xiaoyu: I didn't do that... Cid: What do you mean THAT? Mel: [BEEP!] Jun: Mileena? Why are you cursing? Mel: @#$%^& ! My materias! Vincent: Demons of Darkness! CS: Next we need to modernise your vocabulary... Cid: @#$%^&, my materias are missing too! So Yuffie runs away and it's obvious she stole the materia... little pesk she! ;( Jun: I say, how very rude of her! Mel: That brat will [beep][beep]~ cutting sound transmission, until Cid covers Mileena's mouth... Cid: If anyone cusses in this &^@$#% mission, this is me! Mel: MRHFFFF! Kaz: That brat! Red: Fine, you got angry. Now let's go get our materia back. CS: Um, what do we do about these three? Kaz: Leave my friends alone! Vincent: Oh you lucky person... you have friends caring for you... Kaz: My friends are always yours too, Vincent... Mel: Warh! Shinra guy 2: Hmm... I sense foulness around... (eyeing Vincent) Shinra guy 3: Hey, you said you were having fun together, you said you sing... CS: NO singing! Red: Well, shall we? Jun: I need to have a word with Xiaoyu for what she did! Cid: I think she should get her ass spanked! Mel: And I thought Bruce was the pervert... CS: For CRYING out loud, can we move on! Vincent: Cloud, know this. I will go to every extremity to find the materias back. Kazuya softens in a smile... Shinra guy 2: I see... (looking at the smile) Shinra guy 1: Hey look, if it's a bad moment... Kaz: Oh no, it's not... we're just angry at Yuffie... Shinra guy 1: I see... I never liked her either. Jun: I took her for a nice girl at first... CS: She was always such a pesk! She shrilled so loud! Red: Let's get moving and you can talk about it in the way! The battles are far harder now that they have no materia to assist... but that helps raising their level faster, since they don't waste EXP on the materia and besides, they collected lots of throwable junk from previous battles... so nothing stops our heroes from reaching the mystical city of Wutai. If my kind readers would like to interject the very appropriate music of Wutai, it would help adjust to this beautiful town. After bidding farewell to the three Shinra guys, our friends enter the oriental scenery. Kaz: Did you see Yuffie? Marshal Law: No, but good things come to those who wait... Kaz: You're so obliging! MLaw: Glad to know I can be of assistance to you my kind travellers! Red: Cut that in, whatever are you saying? These are not the lines! MLaw: Ah, but my friend, I gave the script to someone who was in greater need of it than I! (group slaps head anime-ish) CS: And who might that be? MLaw: I didn't ask his name but I know he lives in that pagoda by the Temple of the five gods... Red: Just as I thought. Well! We've never been by the script so let's move on... Vincent: I don't know if the scenery of this place matches my liking or behaviour... Mel: Then beat it! Vincent: ... Kaz: Tifa! How can you be so hostile to poor Vincent? Isn't it enough that he spent so many days in that (shudders) coffin? Mel: Good, GOD! Rayden: Yes, my dear? ;) Kaz: Hey you up there! Why do you respond to her? Rayden: Because she's curvy, sexy and doesn't immitate my lightning skills! Kaz: Are you calling me an impostor? Jun: Honey, don't start an argument~ Kaz: Jun, will you please~ Rayden: And besides, she's from my game... Toshin: Hey! And what is that supposed to mean? That I get to hear his grumbles? CS: Oh how can you create a pandemonium EVERY time? Cid: Say, would you guys mind if we moved on with the story? I kinda liked it... Kaz: Get down here and say that to my face if yo dare! Rayden: Get up here if you can! CS: My head! Oh my head! Mel: What, are you pregnant? CS: Why! Red: Oh, that had it! (Runs before Kazuya and poses threateningly with the teeth bared) Red: WRAARRRRRRRRRRRRR... Kaz: What! Red: GRRRRRAAARRRRRRRRR... Jun: Honey, I think he wants to play your game! Kaz: Oh yea? (kicks Red in the nose!) . . . My dear friends... you know better than I what there is to follow... don't you? Therefore, to spare you from the brutal scene... Background noises: WAAARH! GRARH! WAAIIIIIII! ...I'll only say that in the end they convinced Red to let our hero be... Jun in the background: say you're sorry and Red will release you~ ...and the story went on. Kaz: Donth thinkth i'll forgeth thath! Red: I'll *cough!* make sure you *cough!* won't *gouh, gouh!* Jun: Now, now everybody! Why can't we just be~ Unsorted voices: NO! Forget it! Shhuth up! [Beep!] Vincent: Cloud... let me heal you... Mel: Grrr... you just HAD to! Kaz: Vincent... you're always... so nice... Vincent blushes in a smile. Jun: I'll heal Red... Cid: @#$%^&*, what about our materia? I'm glad someone remembered! Now let's go back to chasing Yuffie, shall we!