Chapter 11 At the entrance of the Shinra base... Guard (played by Lei Wulong): ~ Jun: and don't go giving me those lame excuses again! I will go up and see your superiors and have a talk with them! Guard-Lei: B-but...~ Jun: No buts! (Mileena: for a moment I thought she'd say 'No butts'...) (Bruce: You're one tracked mind chick, you know that?) (Mel: [beep] off!) (Bruce: Only with you, babe!) Jun: Honey, for once I'll ask you to abuse your authority! Tell this man he should open the gates for me! Kazuya sighs - (what next?) Red: Um, I'm afraid you cannot use that gateway to the top of the tower until later in the game... Bruce: Oh, sucks! You mean we must climb all the way up? Kaz: Unless you fly... Bruce: Man, you wanna get flyin' with an uppercut? Kaz: Oh, yea? Jun: Listen to you! Nature's in danger and all you care about is silly puns and fights! Mel: It's not over you they're fighting, so stay away... Red: And what makes you think they're fighting over you? Mel: Rrrrr... pussy cat... on your way. Bruce: What? It's over you we're fightin? Kaz: Not me~ Bruce: Yo... I'm tellin ya once... stay away from my dame. You hear? You have one fiiine piece of yours, so stick to it! Kaz: (exasperated) It NEVER crossed my mind! Mel: Really? And how about that time in the Shinra tower? Kaz: That was a RAPE! Bruce: You [beep]in' raped mah girl? Kaz: AGH!!! But what is this? Jun-Aeris has fetched chains... Red: ? Jun: Fine... I'll chain myself on the gate to protest! Kaz: Look Bruce... ! Jun? WTF are you doing! Jun: For the rights of the Earth! Bruce: Man, this chick is crazier than I ever thought! Red: Uh, um... why don't we try going by the script? Bruce: I hate to say it but the Chocobo ate ma'script... Mel: Oh Christ! Jun: And I'm not moving! Lei-Guard (posing for the camera): In this case I'll have to arrest you, madam... Jun: Don't you dare! Honey... DO something! Kaz: That had it! Do whatever you're gonna do and when you make up your mind, tell me! (leaves) Bruce: Hey! We haven't settled the thing with mah'girl yet! Kaz: The [beep] with your [beep] girl! Mel: WhaaaaaaaAAAAT?!? It sounds like a tough situation... Our hero abandons the group yet again. Bruce goes after him, Mileena follows suit and so does Red... Jun who sees no one is paying attention to her, drops the chains on Lei's feet... Lei: Yiauh! ...and follows. All go after Kazuya who descends to the beach... And here my friends, we see a beautiful sight... a young pretty girl in a bikini and a pareo, playing with a dolphin near the sandshore... Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Julia Chang! (spotlights fall on Julia in the red bikini and the pareo, posing cutely and the audience claps enthusiastically) Priscilla (played by Julia Chang): Heeey mr Dolphin! Jun: Oh! A dolphin! How cute! (actually I had applied for this role but then they recommended me for Aeris ^_^ ) Bruce: My my my my... (staring at Priscilla) Julia: Hey! Who are you people? You're scaring mr Dolphin! Red: W~ Kaz: WE don't give a DAMN about mr Dolphin! Mr Dolphin: Prrrrrl! >p Kaz: ~ (Jun's hand muffles him...) Jun: Honey! (strictly) But what is this? While our heroes watch, a sea monster rises from the depths of the sea... Julia: Watch out, mr Dolphin! (hey, I've learned my lines pretty well!) (Me: Unlike some people I know...) (Rock: aaaaa....) (Kaz + Mel + Jun + Bruce: AAARRRRRRR!!!!) As I was TRYING to say... (boy this is getting weary!) the sea begins to bubble... as a huge monster appears and attacks our heroes... The team fearlessly attacks to stop the monster and defend Priscilla and her dolphin~ Mr Dolphin: It's MR Dolphin to you! ...oh sighs... okay, MR Dolphin! (happy?) (Mr Dolphin: Yeas) ...and the fight rages on... now all our heroes have one materia and they are all quite deadly with it... and really, the monster is no big deal... and so they slain it... Tatatata ta ta tatataaaaa... (victory fanfare with the proper parody in the end...) But what of Priscilla, the little girl in the bikini? Bruce: I say we take her in turns and blame it on Red? Red: Oh, shut up! But before they decide, a man descends from the village. It turns out that he is Priscilla's father... Father: What are you trying to do! Kaz: (oh great...) Father: What was that, young man? Bruce: Hey! We just saved yer daughter's ass so you'd better be grateful! Jun: Well! Mel: I thought you were going FOR her ass? Bruce: (leering) No worry baby, you know I like yours better... Mel: Pervert! Father: My daughter! Priscilla! (wimpering) Kaz: Hey maybe she's not dead~ Father: Shut up! Kazuya turns his back: Fine. Jun: Oh dear... what now? Kazuya settles himself on the sandshore... Father: Hey you, young man! Kaz (turning around): Who, me? Mel: Well, you are not young for sure but maybe you still are~ Kaz: Argrgrgrgrrrr... Father: CPR now! Kaz: Wh... what?!? Jun: Honey, come on, it's not hard, I can show you~ Julia: NO WAY! Red: Hey! Stay down! Priscilla gets back down... Bruce: (horny) It's almost like~ Mel + Jun + Priscilla + Red: WE DON'T CARE! Red (to Priscilla): And you! Stay down! Julia: Owww... (annoyed) Father: Get on with it! You want her to die? Jun: Honey, come on, help the girl! Kaz: *sigh* Oh, okay... In deep concern our hero stands up and goes back to his team... He exchanges anxious stares with them and then bends over the unconscious girl... Jun: Now, turn your head and place your hand below her head~ Kaz: Honey... I've done this before! Mel: Yea, right. Red: Shhhht! Mel: Don't you shhs me! Carefully our hero pulls the girl in his arms... and starts giving her CPR... Mel: Sigh... why couldn't it be me who drowned! Jun: Don't be ridicilous! Would you like to die? Mel: [things that I shan't repeat! 8( ] Our hero is bending over the girl, trying to get the breath back in her lounges... Priscila stirrs... her arms move around his neck and he moves his hand around her waist... he brings her closer and soon Priscilla is sighing... WAIT! What's going on? HEY! Stop that! Audience: (is watching with rapt attention as Priscilla ties her arms around him...) Jun: (in an expression of utmost anger) ...hoooneeeyy....!!! Mel: (wide eyed and speechless!) Bruce: My, my, my... (interested...) Red: ? Jun: That's ENOUGH! Me: Okay! Cut, Cut CUT! Well FINALLY the CPR session is over and Julia-Priscila pulls back... Julia: (dreamily) Am I alive? Kaz: ... Mel: Soon you may not be! (VERY angry!) Father: I think I'll take my daughter from here on... (takes Priscilla in his hands and turns to Kazuya): You are a disgrace! Father leaves with Priscilla, who peeks over his shoulder and smiles at a happy Kazuya... Jin: sigh... she hasn't got over me yet... Lee: You're not an easy person to get over... Jin: Oh, Lee... Jin and Lee hold hands tenderly, staring lovingly at each other... Jun: Honey... (steaming, moving towards Kazuya) Kazuya (with that merry expression on his face): What? Mel: WHAT? You have the nerve to ask? Red: He's not talking to you~ Mel: [Beep] ! Kaz: Hey, I did as you told me to! Bruce: Hey, hey, hey! If any of you ladies wants me to give her CPR any time, just holler, willya! Jun: I've had it with you! Kaz: Oh come on, don't be exaggerating! Jun: I'M exaggerating? Mel: No, go ahead, girl! He treated you like dirt, get even! (kick his groin preferably!) Jun: I'm so frustrated! I wanna scream at you! Kaz: Oh, don't be over-reacting for something so small! Jun: Is that what it looks to you? Kaz: Did I act like that when I found out about Hwoarang? Jun: Darling! Bruce: Hey, he's changing the subject! Kaz: Don't tell ME I'm the one who's being wrong~ Red: It's his fault. Bruce: Yea but will she divorce him? Red: I think he'll take her for dinner with candles and he'll make up to her... Bruce: Yea, but then Priscilla will get pregnant... Red: And he won't accept the baby as his... Bruce: No, wait... first Priscilla's gotta sleep with another... Mel: Hey, this is no [beep]ing soap! Jun: Enough! I don't wanna see you again, I don't wanna talk to you again! I want my mother! Jun leaves steaming up to the village... Mel: There goes she... Red: And now she won't be talking to him and for a month or so, we'll only be seeing them for five minutes repeating the same all over again... Bruce: And he'll be leaving messages in her answerin' machine she won't be answering and she'll hear cryin... ...but before Jun reaches the steps, she turns back... Bruce: Heh? Na what is she doing now? Red: Have no idea... Mel: Was hoping you were gonna say 'beats me...' (cracks knuckles) ...Jun gets to Kazuya and with all the femininity in her anger, stomps on his foot. Kaz: Hell! Why did you do that! But Jun snaps around, this time leaving for good... Bruce: The end. Red: Next time, same hour, same channel... Mel: Well... (sways to Kazuya) at least you always have me... Kaz: Go to hell! Mel: And one more foot! (trots on Kazuya's other foot, hard) Kaz: Wuauh! Mileena leaves up the steps... Red: Woah! Now that was an unexpected factor... Bruce: Hey, there's action! Ya know, she's his ex-girlfriend and now wants to get him back... Red: Maybe he thought her for dead in a car accident and now she's back to start over... Bruce (to Kazuya): Hey man, when's the next episode? Kaz: WAAARH! Kazuya strides towards the steps and Bruce with Red follow him... Bruce: I hate it when they don't tell me the story! Red: Well if you haven't found a Lion to do the logo of the company yet...