Chapter 9 - Ahead on our way... Among the fields they go, without a care in the world, err... with heavy concern about the world I should say, our heroes and current members of the AVALANCE... They reach a town where everything is blue, literally. The floors are blue, the roofs are blue, even the sky is blue! Everyone: No kidding! Not, my friends! With all honesty, the entire town is blue! But let us not bother with those details... Let us follow our friends to the inn, where they will spend the night... Mel: Okay, Bruce stays with Jun and Red to protect them... and Cloud is protecting ME! Kaz: And who's protecting me? Mel: Oh you're so amusing! Red: I hate to interfere but how about if Cloud told us of his memories of Nibelheim and Sephiroth? Kaz: Ghh... No way! Bruce: Aw, you're no fun! Kaz: Bruce, I never asked for your opinion! Bruce: Shit man, you're making everyone blue or something! Jun: Maybe it's the city. It's all blue... Mel: I say we go to the shops... I need new weapons! Kaz: (great. new tortures) Bruce: I'll buy you the best weapons there are, baby! Mel: You sick pervert! Bruce: (leering) Sounds so nice when you're saying it... Guys, I'll take the lady for a shopping lift... (winks as he pulls Mileena outside.) Red: Wrrrrrr... Kaz: WHAT's now with you? Red: I don't know. I don't like you. Kaz: Me neither but I don't make a matter out of it! Jun: Now now! Why can't we all be friends? Kaz: Friends? Jun: Yes honey! Let's be friends! Kaz: I'd rather go home! Red: I want to go to Cosmo Canyon. But at least for the sake of the play, tell us a few about Sephiroth. Kaz: Sephiroth is... this guy... who... Audience stares like a bunch of mean examiners, if you know what I mean. Kaz: (sweatdropping) ... he is... uh... He's my brother! Audience: ! Kaz: Well not for real! We are different! Jun: Siiigh... (dreamily) Kaz: Honey, you're pushing your luck! Jin: Lee, I think my mother likes you... Lee: Don't worry, love... that's all in the past... Red: Grrrrr... Kaz: Stop it, you're ticking me off! Red: Okay. Kaz: Well, ever since we were young, we were fighting... he was always the best looking... Red: I believe that... Kaz: Arrrrr... Red: rraaaarrr... Jun: Quit it! Bruce and Mileena come back afterwards... Red: Right on time, Cloud was telling us about Sephiroth! Bruce: So what? Man, I say go buy weapons for yourself man, there are some nifty stuff out there for you to buy! Our friends decide to skip the tale of Sephiroth which is a masterpiece that I couldn't dream of ruining in a funfic. So, they go to sleep instead... Mel: Clououd! Tell Bruce to get off of me! Kaz: (evil "snicker snicker" under the covers) ^_^! Red: Zzzzz... A peaceful night embraces our heroes who then wake up the next day and decide to move on. Where for? To find Sephiroth! Kaz: Great. So where do we start? Red: We must cross the mountain range and go to Junon... Bruce: Aw, you playin' smartass or sumthing? I know the script too! Red: But you're too busy chasing Mileena's [beep!] Kaz: So what next? The way to Sephiroth is past the mountain range but alas! A giant snake, known as the Midgar Zolom, master of the enemy skill Beta resides in the mushes and blocks their way... until they raise their level, can't there be a way past it? Bruce: Yo, I say, let's go to that farm over there and ask! A farm stands alone on the empty fields and our heroes go to it... A large fence is what they see and in that fence, some of the strangest birds you will ever see, my dear ladies and gentlemen. The Chocobo. At a size twice that of a human, the wild chocobo is found in the shade of yellow and it is usually a friendly animal... Bruce: Well, lookie there! Jun: Aaaawwww! They are so cute! Red: These are the Chocobos~ Kaz + Mel: WE KNOW! Kaz + Mel (staring at each other): ...? Mel: Looks like we two have many things in common, gorgeous... Kaz: Don't you try~ Jun: Honey, look at it! Isn't it such a darling? (strokes at the Chocobo's fluffy feathers) Bruce: Heeey,hehehey! Heeey there fella! (patting a Chocobo's beak) Jun: Come honey, talk to them! Kaz: Are you crazy? Talk to the - Birds? Jun: Oh yes, honey! They are so friendly! Kaz: What do I care! Jun: Honey... you're being antisocial! Kaz: Because I won't talk to a BIRD? Jun: You are impossible! Kaz: All right, all right! (stands in front of the bird): Hi. Chocobo: Waaark? Kaz: *sigh*... Jun: He likes you! Kaz: Please! Jun: Speak to him! Kaz: WHAT do I say? Jun: Say Waark. Kaz: Waaark?!?!? Jun: Nonono waaark. WAARK! Kaz: (how much more? How much more?!?) ... ahem... Waark! And all of a sudden... a miracle happens! The Chocobos gather in neat lines and start dancing a waltz! The waltz variation of the Chocobo theme plays... Jun: (ecstatic, binds her hands) Oh they're so CUTE! Darling, they are wonderful! Kaz: Oh my god... Mel: (and he is married to _that_? Oh sigh!) Bruce: Man, that's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, you know it's like the merry-go-round in the luna park, jeez! It brings back memories! The Chocobos end their waltz with a graceful bow and an ecstatic audience claps and cheers. Jun (clapping and cheering herself): Marvellous! Wonderful! Darling, they did it because of you! Kazuya goes pale...: Don't go laying the blame on ME! Jun: Oh honey, you have an effect on animals! Talk to them again! Kazuya cannot even gasp because he's about to puke! Mel: This is sickening... hey! Is that a materia they dropped? Bruce: I don't know... go get it, cheeks! (leering VERY suggestively!) Mel: Up yours! Bruce: They're up just lookin atcha, babe! Kaz: Oh heavens... (picks up the Choco/Mog materia) Red: The best thing you did in a long time! Kaz: Here (gives to Jun). Mel: Oh please, don't let me throw up and ruin it... The guy got his girl a materia from the shooting game in the luna park! Red: He wasn't shooting... Bruce: At this rate, partner, there'll be no need for Vincent in the group! Red: You think I'm cynical? Bruce: Oh! oh! You don't say that you're a cat, are you? Red: To tell the truth I'm sick of amateurs. Bruce: Whom you calling amateurs? Kaz: Do you mind if we moved on to the actual farm? Jun (stroking at a Chocobo): I'll see you later, sweetie! Mel: You don't have to come along if you don't want, Jun! Kaz (whispering dangerously close): Won't you shut it! Mel: Oooh, I'm getting chills! (of course you understood the dangerous was for him!) In the farm they meet an old fat farmer... Choco Billy: Welcome! Kaz: Hi. CB: So what can I do for you? Kaz: See, we want to get ac~ Bruce: Where's the bathroom? CB: Right around this corner... Bruce: Yo, thanks! (rushes) Kaz: *sigh...* Now for us... CB: You have to wait, I only have one bathroom... Kaz: NOT THAT! Red: Arrrgggrrr... Kaz: Red... Red: Sorry. Kaz: We want to cross the mountains but there's a snake on the way... CB: I KNOW! And *I* was supposed to tell you that! Kaz: Okay, but~ CB: Are you gonna tell me how to do my job? Kaz: No but~ CB: I say, shut up and let me tell you, son! Who do you think I am, your father? Kazuya bends closer and takes a better look... Kaz: Actually I think you are... CB: Right! (slaps Kazuya up his damn head but gets his hand cut from his sharp spikes...) CB: mfsfchvzvzsh! Mel: So how can we cross the mountains? CB (leering) I'd take you on my back and rush you if I had to! Jun: Oh but we don't want you to go to such extremes~ CB: Shut up you plank! Jun (about to begin sobbing) Kaz: Ahem! Red: We need a Chocobo! CB: And who do you think I am, Santa Clauss? That would be SC not CB! Mel: Okay, where can we get a Chocobo? CB: Now you're talking! For 2000 gil I'll sell you a Chocobo Lure materia... Mel: Great! More materias! CB: How about it? Kaz: umm... Red: Don't take it. If you go outside, by the Chocobo barn you'll find one lying there for free... CB: WHAT! Shhhhh! Why did you tell them! Red: We're just new and 2000 gil are too much to spend on a stupid materia. CB: Stupid materia! Kaz: Thanks. We'll see you around. CB: Jerks! You'll never make it! Our heroes leave a steaming Choco Billy... Ah, there's Bruce too, right out of the toilet... Bruce: Oh man... have to say, I finished all your paper... sorry... CB: ... Bruce: And the flush won't work... (leaves) Choco Billy falls to his knees in distress... Our heroes find the Chocobo Lure materia, right as Red described... Jun (to Chocobo): Coochie coochie cooo! Mel: Pathetic! Bruce: And now what do we do? Look for Chocobos? Red: Maybe we should have bought some greens... Kaz: I'm not going back there, after we pissed him off that bad... Mel: Let me do it... I'll get them in a... good price... Bruce: Hmmm... ;) Mileena sways towards Choco Billy's hut... Red: You know I'm totally against this... Kaz: Hey. She went on her own free will! Red: Yea but... it's not Choco Billy who sells the greens... it's his grandson in the next hut! Kaz: ... haha... hahaha... [drum roll] haHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA! Bruce: What's so funny! Kaz: Waha.. WAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Jun: Honey! Show some dignity! Impossible. And so our heroes head for the next hut, to buy Chocobo greens with Kazuya laughing his ass off all the way... Kaz: Gag... and... heh... stop... with my ass, WAAAAHAHAHAHAAH!... Bruce: Did anyone give this guy a hyper or something?