Chapter 6 - Saving Aeris The city of Midgar... where the rich and the lucky live... one would think it is a merry place... far from it. It is as dark and gloomy as below, only there is less poverty. And there our brave heroes are, in search of Aeris, the flower girl, known to us as Jun... Kaz: Midgar... Wow! For once, our brave hero goes by the script! Yes, this is it! Our hero stares with sad eyes at the city... and wonders... as his eyes fall upon the Shinra building, where they know Aeris is being kept... Mel: Okay, there are two entrances~ Bruce (leering): Rear or front, what's the difference, baby! Mitzurugi: ! Mel: PERVERT! Kaz: Oh my. I'm getting in. Our hero marches to the front door, then the other two follow, actually Mileena runs after him and Bruce runs after Mileena... God, I'm getting used to it... Shinra guy 1: Hey you! You cannot enter! Shinra guy 2: By tooth and claw, I'll stop you! (hey, how's this? I made it up myself!) Shinra guy 1: Hey, that was good! How about this: Tear my heart off and feed my liver to the dogs! Shinra guy 2: William Shakespeare. A classic my friend! Shinra guy 1: Yea, it was, wasn't it! Kazuya with the sword at hand: Ahem... Do you mind? Shinra guy 2: Oh, not at all! Please, go on with your job! Mel: I say we kick their butt? Shinra guy 2: Oh! What a beauty blinds my vision and drives my heart crazy? Shinra guy 1: Eh, that was too corny~ Shinra guy 2: You think that was too corny? Shinra guy 1: Yeh, that was too corny. Shinra guy 2: You think that was too corny... Shinra guy 1: Yeah, that's what I said, I think that was too corny! Shinra guy 2: Was not! Shinra guy 1: Was too! Shinra guy 2: Was NOT! Shinra guy 1: Was TOO! Bruce: Yo! Are you gonna fight us? Shinra guy 2: In a minute. Was NOT! Shinra guy 1: Was TOO! Kaz: I'm out of here... Bruce: Anyone knows the way to the bathroom? I've gotta go! Shinra guy 2: WAS NOOOOOOT! Bruce: Nah, forget. Mel: Hey, Kazzy-chan? Kazuya snaps angry as can be: WHAT?!? Mileena stares at him with her sweetest face: If you ever want to get corny or whatever with me... I won't say a thing... Kazuya raises his empty hands to the skies and his lips are forming a voiceless 'why? Why?' Rayden: What? I can't hear you! Fujin: Maybe he was talking to me? Shinnok: Arrh, I say let's get on with the show! Our heroes find no resistance as they climb up to the Shinra Tower... In the upper floors, they find the unarmed personell... one of them is especially kind to give them a pass card to higher floors! Bruce: Man, I've gotta go! (twithces his legs and pelvis uncomfortably) Mel: Your [beep] has control over you? Bruce: Shuddup! Kaz: Aw, will you quit! When they reach the room of the executives... and then they hear the name of Hojo... which gives Cloud a startle... Kaz: Hojo! Yes, my friends. The famous scientist, played by, whom else, Doctor Boskonovitch! (The Jacks start doing their winning stretches in tribute) Zangief (overfilled with his Russian pride) BOOOOSKONOOOOVIIIITCH! DeeJay (scared out of his pants): MAAAAAAAAN! Z: (musically) What's the matter, DeeJay? DeeJay? DeeJay? What's the matter, DeeJay? DeeJay~ DeeJay: MAAAAAN! Kaz: Excuse me... Secretary (played by Chun Li): Yes? Kaz: Do you know~ Bruce: What's the way to the restroom? Chun Li: Right around this corner, sir! Bruce: Thanks (running as fast as he can!) In the bathroom... Person: Sometimes you hear voices in here... you'll find this weird... but you do... In the meanwhile... Bruce: UUUUUUNGHHHH! Heh? I hear voices! Hey! He's right! I hear voices! Kaz: Where? Bruce: Up there! Mel: It's a trick to get us in! Kaz: Don't be silly! Mel: You first! Kaz: ... It would be a great idea if it was indeed a trick of Bruce to get them both there and do things I won't repeat but let's just say that he was right... Kaz: Speak for yourself! Bruce: Hey! Talking about gratitude! I've lead you to the high ups, haven't I? Kaz - Mel: SHUDDUP! Bruce: Geez... and you think you know somebody... But what is going on in the backstage, while our heroes are debating whether to climb on the ventilation? Backstages... Anna: I've had it with you, [beep]! Nina: Is it so hard for you to realise that I'm sexier and prettier and they chose ME? Anna: That is no reason to steal my clothes! First you start with one of my beloved red stiletto shoes! Then the other! And now you're stealing my scarlet dress! Nina: Why, guess what! Anna: Give it back! Oh the fierce catfight going on before us! I think we'd better leave the harmful scene... Heihachi: NOO! I want two busty women fighting! (sick old man...) Instead, we will follow our heroes... Heihachi: Get back in the dressing room! *exasperated sigh...* Our heroes creep through the ventilation over to the conference room... where they see the Shinra leaders, discussing about their future plans... You can see President Gen Fu Shinra (DoA make a wave once again), Hojo as doctor Boskonovitch and along, the sexy blonde Scarlet in a dazzling red outfit, with her messed up hair and scratched face, general Heidegger, played by Zangief (at which stage all the *Really* big fighters of every game shake their fists in praise) and the mysterious, dark personality of Reeve... played by, whom else... Shang Tsung. Audience: CHEEEEEEER!!! Jax: Her? You had HER playing a MAN! Shangy: Whhyyyyy youu! Let me get down there and... Heidegger: Unghr... Doctor Boskonovitch... I am a fan of yours. DrB: Yes. my boy? Where? Z: Ungh... over here... DrB: Aaah! (adjusting his glasses). There you are, my boy! Reeve: What's that stench! Bruce (whispered): Hoops! Kaz (whispered): Man, you stink! Gen Fu: This place stinks! As a president, I vote to find another place for our meetings! Bruce: Check the "mellons" of that broad! Kaz: Hmm... indeed... (rubs his chin with his thumb...) Mel: You are horrible! Bruce: Don't worry baby, I still like yours better! (pinches her butt and muffles her): Hey! You don't want them to hear us, do you? ...hmm... that gives me an idea... Our hero Kazuya is again the only one listening... Kaz: Hey, jerk away from me! Mel: MFFFHHHRRRR! (verrry angrily!) Gen Fu: So, we'll meet in a better place. See you tomorrow. Scarlet: Kyahaha! I'm hot! Even though this dress is a size too big... Anna: In the BREASTS?!? Nina: IN the A[beep]! Anna: [BEEP]! Nina: [Beep] yourself! Z: It stinks here... piiiiiif! Kaz: Okay, we've learned all we want. Now will you two stop [beep]ing around and help me find Jun? Mel: HRRRRRR! Bruce: Relax man! We'll find her! Now, do you mind letting me chill? Kaz: (desperate) Take your time... And so our heroes get out of the ventilation hole and breathe again freely... (so do I, pif!) The tree of them exit the lavatories, followed by suspicious stares, wondering exactly _what_ went on with those three in the closet. Kaz: Okay, what's on the script? Bruce: Oh. Now you want me to tell you what's on the script? Kazuya sighs in exasperation: IF you please. Bruce: Hmpf. I'll do it for a change. Mel: It says go up to floor 66... Bruce: Hey! He didn't ask you! Mileena sticks her tongue out to Bruce. Bruce leers: See how she tempts me? Kaz: *siiiigh* on to floor sixty six... (oh man, I like that number!) Up on the 66th floor my dear ladies and gentlemen, is the laboratory where Hojo is doing his dark and disgusting experiments... Our friends walk with extreme caution... getting closer to the experimental area... On their way they see a chamber... Bruce: I say, what is this? Kaz: Let me take a look! WOW! Bruce: Hey what? It is my friends, a sight that is harmful for the eyes... Mothers, cover the eyes of your children, gentlemen, cover the eyes of your fair ladies! For this is Jenova's naked torso, without the head, (and the excellent actress behind it is Sheeva...) Kaz (horny): Look at the size of those things! Bruce: I say, I've never seen Anything like that... eeeah...! Mel: If anyone wants me I'll be next room... Kaz: Where's the rest of it? Bruce: Beats me... hey! Where's the broad makin' for? Kaz: Hmm? But then, our hero's eyes jump up in surprise: Aeris! I mean... JUN! It is indeed Jun my friends... the poor girl is locked in the same room with a ferocious fire lion (Everyone makes a huge wave in tribute to Red XIII whom I cannot replace with anyone!) and there is Hojo there too, watching with a pleasant smile... Jun is stroking the lion and the lion purrs in pleasure... DrB: It's a touching scene... Kaz: Don't worry Jun, I'll save you! ... wait a minute... I know it's a movie and that it is not true... What am I saying, Jun get out of there! Bruce: Na man, that's not the way to do it, you have to kick some ass and then save the lady, you know what I mean? Mel: Oh wait... there is a materia there... I have to get it! A fierce battle commences over the rescue of Jun... Bruce: Dammit, you think you know the script better than I? Kaz: I don't care about the script, I wanna go home! When Jun and Red exit the glass compactor... Jun: Honey! I found this cute kitty... can I keep him? Kazuya glares at Red and Red gnarls at him... Kaz: You think it's friendly? Jun: Of course he is! Come on, stroke him! Kazuya glares back at the intensely gnarling lion... Kaz: Urrr... Bruce patting Red on the head: Hey, he likes me! Jun: Oh honey, please? Please? Bruce: Yea man, please? You know, they say pets are good to keep, they help your psychology or sumethin... (hey, I'm doing the accent part very well, aren't I?) Kaz: Oh... argh... Audience: Keep him! Yea! Keep it! (synchronised): We want Red! We want Red! We want Red! We want Red! Kazuya at the audience with a puzzled look: ... ? Audience: WE WANT RED! WE WANT RED! WE WANT RED! WE WANT RED! (faster and louder!) Jun: Honey, please? Audience: WEWANTRED,WEWANTRED,WEWANTRED,WEWANT~ Kaz: ... all right... Audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Jun (hugs him): Oh thank you! THANK YOU! Kaz: Oh dear... But then... unfortunately my friends... the Shinra come... Shinra guy 1: Yea, they came in without fighting us! Shinra guy 2: And they said my lines were too corny! Shinra guy 3: Did they say that! Shinra guy 1 + 2: Yes they did! Kaz - Mel - Bruce: Did not! Shinra guy 1 + 2 + 3: Did too! Kaz - Mel - Bruce: Did not! Shinra guy 1 + 2 + 3: Did too! Shinra guy 3: Whatever. You're under arrest! All: Oh damn! And as you see... they're busted again...