Chapter 5 - Saving Tifa But do not worry, my kind readers. Jun is not a girl to give into so easily! When she sees our hero and runs to him, new strength comes to her and... she lands Rain with a fierce swing! Audience: Go Jun! Go Jun! Go Jun! Go Jun! Kaz: Nice shot... Jun: ...(swings at him too!) Kaz: ...! >BONG!< he hits the floor! Jun: Where were YOU! Kaz: Ugh... agh... I... I came as fast as I could! Jun: A little later and you would have lost your exclusiveness! Kaz: (mumbles) Yeah, as if I had it in the first place! Jun: Honey! (rumbling) But let us not dwell into this hardly worthy conversation and let us URGE our heroes to seek for Tifa who is in an undoubtedly greater distress... Don Corneo's bedroom... Don: Come to papa little girl! Tifa: Ai... (gag!) Um... can't we get to know each other first? Don: I'm Don, you're Tifa, now let's get in business! When suddenly... Jun: Hold it right there, Don Corneo! Kaz: Yeah! She's dangerous! um, I mean her! (points at Jun) Mel: Cloud! (and who is THIS!) Don: Ohoho! Now I'm had! But please... don't do me wrong... step right there on that carpet... Mel: Not like that you idiot, first we must learn a few things from you! Don: Oh. Is that so. Hm. Okay. Shoot. Jun: ... Kaz: ... Tifa: ... Wedge: THEY HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIIIIPT!!! HAAAAA! Tifa: - Kaz - Jun: WE HAAAAAVE! Audience: (crickets are heard chirping...) Tifa: On second thought, why don't we just step onto the carpet? Don: Yea... after all, I wouldn't give you the answers anyway... Kaz: Haven't read the script either? Don-Ganryu nods in understanding. Kaz: Well, I cannot blame you... (steps on the carpet) Don pulls the switch... Tifa - Jun - Kaz: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA! >SPLASH!< It is the sewers my dear friends... our heroes survive but they have to defeat another danger, in the form of a monster... To make it short they do but next they have to find their way out of the sewers. That isn't as easy as it seems but they will struggle the best they can! When finally... Tifa: Oh look! It's... All three of them: The SLUMS! Tifa: What's going on? In the heat of the moment, they run to the slums, where everything seems to be falling out of place! What is this? Dear oh Dear! It's the SHINRA! They have discovered the base of the AVALANCE and now... they are attacking in full power, ruining whatever is left of the homes of the people... in an act of bloody revenge... A slum guy (played by Charlie - SF): Yo! Barret is up there, fighting the Shinra! Kaz: Right to him! Tifa: Wait! Marlene! She was in the bar! Jun: I'll go for her! Jun runs off to the Seventh Heaven... Once she goes, Tifa drops her sad face and her eyes gleam at Kazuya... Tifa: Now it's us, loverboy! Kaz: Yikes!! See with what speed our hero is running up the stairs with Tifa in hot pursuit behind him! Will his panic make his feet faster than the sexy legs of the fastest videogame fighter? Kaz: It'd better! On their way up... they stumble to Jessie... Jessie: Death... where is thy sting... Yes my friends... I'm afraid it is the end of that brave woman... One more victim to the Shinra... They see Wedge second... Wedge: I'm here before KooOOOSSAK! But they run past him too. They have to hurry! Biggs... Oh unfortunate being, slain too... Our hero, bends over him... Biggs pulls himself up with difficulty... you can see it's his last breath but his eyes are wide as they look at Cloud... Biggs: I knew... you were... not that bad... afterall... The audience stands up clapping with enthusiasm, all serious and sad, swept by these lines and Kossak's superb acting... my dear ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed a sad moment for the AVALANCE and our tale... It is the moment when Biggs died. Kazuya holds onto Biggs with eyes that wobble as the poor youth dies... Audience: *CLAP CLAP* BIZZZZ!!! Zangief: DeeJay... *sniff* that was wonderful! DeeJay: Eeh? To the top... Kaz: Bruce! Help! Bruce: Hey baby! You came running to papa's arms... Tifa: Damn. Kaz: Bruce, you'd better keep that chick of yours TIED! Mel: Oh, so you want to play tough games, right? While the heroes of the epic are arguing over those "battle" details... a rattling helicopter comes to the sky... and we see that Jun-Aeris is being caught by... Tseng! Kaz: Jun! Jun: Honey, I have to buy a few things for the house and this kind gentleman is giving me a ride... Kaz: Get down here you [beep!] Haven't I told you not to accept rides from strangers! Jun: What? Honey I can't hear you! Well, see you later! The helicopter hovers to the sky... Jun: Oh! and... Marlene is at my mother's! In that dramatic kidnap, Aeris is removed from the group and our heroes watch the helicopter in the distance... Kaz: JUUUUUUUUUUN! Bruce: Hot damn! She's skinny as a stick! Mel: ... honey, huh? (eyeing Kazuya suspiciously) But alas. The fight goes on and the whole thing is bombed by the Turks... everything is falling down when... Bruce: Look! A chord! Let's go Tarzan on that chord! (grabs chord) Kaz: *sigh* I'm all for that... (hangs onto Bruce) Mel: Wow... (ogling at Kazuya's butt) Me TOO! (hangs onto Kazuya with all she's got!) Kaz: Grlrlrl! (choking) Mel: What's the problem, honey? Never played the hero before? (snatches Kazuya's butt) Bruce: Hang on! In what seems to be the leap of faith, they jump and let things take their course. The heroic escape happens through a hole of the wall and them three flee on time, before the whole thing collapses... upon the slums... While outside... Bruce: MARLEEEEEEEENEEEE! (oh man, I should apply for the oscars!) Mel: Okay, you mister, you have a lot of explaining to do! Kaz: Leave me alone! This thing is insane and I'm trapped in it! Bruce: Heck, okay, I say we move on with the scenario. Let's go to Aeris's home and check on Marlene and her mom (winks) Kaz: Don't get your hopes up, she's a hag. Bruce (unfolding a piece of paper) Well, that's what it says. Go to Aeris's house. Kaz: Kay... let's do it! Having taken that decision after finally reading the script, our heroes stride their way to Aeris's home... At her home. Elmyra: Jun... They took her! Bruce: Hey now miss Elmyra... we'll get your daughter (and you have a nice figure, miss Elmyra!) Elmyra: Ahuhuhuhuhu! You mercenaries, all the same, doing anything to get a girl's heart... Umm... Ahum! Marlene is upstairs! Bruce: Is she asleep? Elmyra winks... Bruce: Then, umm... Looking at Kazuya and Tifa: Well see you guys later! Kazuya pales: You... are... ? Bruce (whispering): well yeah, what does it look like to you? (leaves, chasing a giggling Elmyra) Kazuya falls on a chair, when he sees Mileena's fiery eyes... Mel: Where did we leave it? Kaz: Mileena... look... this is too confusing for me, I bet it is confusing to you too... (backs away) Mel: Here here, loverboy! Kaz: I... I think I've gotta go... (runs like hell!) Mel: Come back to mama! (runs like hell after him!) Later this evening... Bruce: Hehe... So how did it go? Kaz: (with a mean stare) Bruce: Oh. Oh! Don't have to tell me. Elmyra: Food for the heroes (smiles as Bruce pats her hips, then sits along in the table) Mel: So what do we do now? Bruce: Well, we go to save Jun. And then, bring her back to her mama (playfully pinches Elmyra on the cheek). Kaz: I say, we go now and get on with it. Mel: Are you _always_ in a hurry? Kaz: Depends who's chasing me! Bruce: Ah, turtle dove quarrel... Don't let us botherin' ya! Kaz: Shuddup! Bruce: Yoooo! Chill it! I think, my friends, the team is getting to know themselves better. And therefore, after Elmyra's _generous_ hospitality, they leave, in seek of Aeris... The remainders of the slums are even more pitiful, if that is possible. Yet our friends climb up a rope. Our hero, Kazuya, goes first... Mel: Move your ass, loverboy! (pushes his ass) Kaz: Get your hands OFF! (seemingly intending to stomp her) Bruce: What a view! Mel: AIYEEEE! Hurry! (climbs like a cat, over Kazuya, makes the mistake to step on his spikes and her foot bleeds - YAIII! - but still, she is the first to reach on top. Bruce in hot pursuit climbs up fast, steps onto Kazuya too and onto the deadly spike - YIAUCH! - but he won't leave Tifa for the world!) Bruce: I'm telling you, she was wearing a string slip! Mel: Go away, you pervert! Kazuya is hanging from the rope, neither going up or down, just glaring at the camera with profound rage. Me!: Move on! Kazuya climbs up, hand after hand until he reaches the top, where Bruce and Mileena are chasing each other, jumping from platforms to chords, to anything they may step upon, including Kazuya's shoulders (no, they don't make the mistake to step on the spike twice!) Kaz: Watch where you're stepping, idiots! Hey... what is this? Hmm... if I can put power in this device... Kazuya does his impressive lightning effects and voila! The road to the city of Midgar is open! Kaz: Guys? Bruce and Mileena are very busy struggling... Kaz: Oh well. So long! Bruce: Hey! Where ya going? Kaz: Oh! I thought you were too busy... fighting... ;) Mileena looks at him with murderous eyes. Kaz: Don't let me stand in your way~ Mel: We're coming! Kaz: Crap. Mel: We're coming along! Bruce: Ah well, all work and no play. Boss, you seriously have this working syndrome... is it with Japanese or is it you? You work like a dog! Kaz: Bruce, that's enough! Bruce sruggs his shoulders: Yea, whatever. And so our heroes go forth, leaving it all aside, to save Aeris. (music background - the prelude) Nina: UGGHHH!! I Can't stand the prelude! Anna: Neither can I! Nina and Anna: UUUUUGGGHHHHH!